A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

Whatever would give you the idea that I’m her damn brother?

Brick!”

Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They’re like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous— and cool like Johnny Depp.

Free sex with room.”

Look!” Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. “Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!””Of course he is!”...

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

I’ve got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

Ah, damn it, lass,’he called after her. ‘I’ve busted my stitches wide open.”What?’she cried, hurrying back to him. ‘Let me see!”Ah-ha!’ He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap.’You...

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

We bask in the scent of cinnamon beforeMom puts a scone her plate.’His name is Rich,’ she says.I select a scone too.’I like a man with an adjective for a name.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

I didn’t leave much room … It’s kind of funny how it’s working out.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

Think that street lingo was the street lingo about eight decades ago, Hanna. So now it’s just lingo.

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you’re a cruel spiteful selfish slut?…You’re vicious. You’re unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you’re the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in...

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.

One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it’s a finite resource, constantly in...

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding

A brick could be used to gauge the level of reciprocated sexual interest of the person or object of your desire. A brick works best, however, when the focus of your lust is the brick...

I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn’t slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend...

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn’t notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

And remember, it’s also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy.

Hey, Ethan.””Yeah?””Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade, the day we met?””The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice.”He grinned and shot...

I’ve never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I’ve done a lot of stuff. I don’t know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching...

Why won’t you answer my question correctly!

yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* …. who...

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on “play dates,” or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a...

Quick question: Is having no plan the same as having a terrible plan, or are those different categories?

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took’s great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a...

I left Indiana, and I ain’t been back since. I’ve been doing comedy and paying my bills.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

You can just keep carrying me. It’s very relaxing.

Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs.

Love is a tomato. And while it’s true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.

Everyone has someone to call on when they’re down, let me be that someone when that ones not around.

I visited Seven Sisters Inn, and all I got was a gun pulled on me. But that’s OK, because I brought a spare pair of underwear. Oddly, I didn’t find the man who stuck a...

Neden genetik?-Hmm… Çünkü takıntılı ebeveynlere hayallerindeki iBebek’leri tasarlamaları için yardım etme hayalim var. Beyaz ırk, zayıf, sarı saç, mavi göz, sağlıklı, mümkünse erkek, mümkün olsun erkek olsun lütfen doktor hanım, sayısalcı ve heteroseksüel.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn’t really exist.