Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia!

I think it’s because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that’s real.

We drank coffee like two lovers, despite the fact that we were strangers separated by a window and about two hundred feet. Thank God for binoculars.

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. “How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. ‘I can take ’em. I don’t need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.’ How’d that...

If I were a superhero, I’d be Honesty Man. I’d be so transparent I’d be invisible.

It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.

Stupid male ego.

And oil’s not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham – instant mixing.

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been practicing my tuba, and I’m ready for a duet.

What do you want? Where’s the goddamn ice I ordered? Where’s the booze? There’s a war on, man! People are being killed!

A horse blanket, Mel?I remembered what I was wearing. ‘It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was...

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.

First rule of thievery,’ Eli said, grinning, ‘only run if you’re not coming back.’ (…) ‘First rule of thievery, never use the same entrance twice.’ Miranda rolled her eyes. ‘How many ‘first rules’ of thievery...

They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap.”Ah,” he said. “Must deactivate the security….Turn around, please.””What?””Turn around, Claire. It’s a secure password!””You have GOT to be...

Comment, Mademoiselle? Vous appellés cela betrügen? Corriger la fortune, l’enchainer sous ses doits, etre sûr de son fait, das nenn die Deutsch betrügen? betrügen! O, was ist die deutsch Sprak für ein arm Sprak! für...

A brick could be used to disguise the fact that I’m blushing. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! Don’t look at the rose of my ears, look at the rouge of the construction cube.

Only dead fishes go with the flow.. I guess that make me a dead fish!

I later discovered that in order to be a good athlete one must care intensely what is happening with a ball, even if one doesn’t have possession of it. This was ultimately my failure: my...

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?

pg. 231-232: They’d given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around...

A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA.

Eat your heart out. Oh, wait. You can’t. It’s not organic.

A woman needs a man like a tortoise needs a crah helmet.

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

American people are not evil. Given information, they will do the right thing. But they’re not given the information.

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

Just because someone gets arrested doesn’t mean what they are doing is wrong. Some laws are unfair and unjust.

In the Catskills, nostalgia runs backwards. The upwardly mobile Jewish masses of the 1950s and 1960s have been replaced by the Jews of 19th century Poland.

A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and only the winners are allowed under the blanket. Sorry, fellas, but there is...

I laughed all the way through Love Story.

Some people would say it’s a bad idea to bring a fire-spider into a public library. Those people would probably be right, but it was better than leaving him alone in the house for nine...

I took a nap and used a napkin as a blanket. Obviously it was a small nap.

Just like a summer sausage, and I’m not talking about the snack-sized ones. And it’s attached to a body that could put Dwayne Johnson to shame. What women could resist a package like that? I’d...

I hear Mr. Palmer tell Hannah that it was an electrical fault. Five arsonists in one school and it ends up being something so technically boring.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta

Come Hell or High Water” usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could have only one book, what would it be? I always say, “How to Build a Boat.

Nix had told Emma before she’d left for Europe that on this trip she would ‘do that which you were born to do.’ Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her...

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.