Excuse me?” I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. “Coffee? I thought we came here for pie.” “I don’t eat the kind of pie they serve here.” I felt a flash of heat go...

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn’t been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn’t figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he’d customized it....

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

A blanket could be used to help acclimate your body for your after death experience. Hell is hot, so you’d better warm up first.

loosing character is not easy, behind lots of hard work

Whatever would give you the idea that I’m her damn brother?

Brick!”

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They’re like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous— and cool like Johnny Depp.

Free sex with room.”

Ish #303 “It’s a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

Look!” Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. “Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!””Of course he is!”...

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thyeyes—and moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle’s.

I’ve got a Siamese cat. It has 2 heads and 18 lives.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

Holy broken nose, Batman!

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

(About sweeping)….What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.

Ah, damn it, lass,’he called after her. ‘I’ve busted my stitches wide open.”What?’she cried, hurrying back to him. ‘Let me see!”Ah-ha!’ He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap.’You...

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

It makes you more open, it gives you perspective, having a child.

We bask in the scent of cinnamon beforeMom puts a scone her plate.’His name is Rich,’ she says.I select a scone too.’I like a man with an adjective for a name.

A brick could be used to say hi to Pink Floyd.

Prayers For Rain’ begins like practically every Cure song, with an introduction that’s longer than most Bo Diddley singles. Never mind the omnipresent chill, why does Robert Smith write such interminable intros? I can put...

I didn’t leave much room … It’s kind of funny how it’s working out.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

Think that street lingo was the street lingo about eight decades ago, Hanna. So now it’s just lingo.

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

Lepida, has anyone ever told you that you’re a cruel spiteful selfish slut?…You’re vicious. You’re unprincipled. You mistreat your slaves and abuse your daughter. And furthermore you’re the worst, most neglectful, most criminal wife in...

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

I like stepping into the future. Therefore, I look for doorknobs.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.

One of the most jolting days of adulthood comes the first time you run out of toilet paper. Toilet paper, up until this point, always just existed. And now it’s a finite resource, constantly in...

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding

A brick could be used to gauge the level of reciprocated sexual interest of the person or object of your desire. A brick works best, however, when the focus of your lust is the brick...

I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn’t slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend...

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

I had a dream about you last night. The champagne was non-alcoholic. You didn’t notice, and laughed at my jokes anyway.

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a...

I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of ‘proving theorems.’ Is a writer’s job mainly that of ‘writing sentences?

Would you like to sit?” Kellen asked her.”You’d better do it soon,” Owen whispered close to her ear, “or I’m going to bend you over that table and break the club’s no-penetration-in-the-lounge rule.

And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.