I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others…

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?

I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.

The only person I compete with is Satan. If that happens to be you, then could you please move out of the way? You’re standing in Christ’s spot.

Regifting is its own rereward.

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife.

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

My love for you is shaped like a left foot. And if you pulled my love out of your ass you’d know that.

You don’t know their situation,” my mom would say. I considered it such an impolite question that for years I didn’t even ask myself. Thirty-five turned into forty faster than McDonald’s food turns into cold...

I’m crazy in love. I’m just crazy.

Mom, camping is not a date; it’s an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.

The past is the past. I believe that people can change, under the right conditions (like plastic surgery).

The essence of courage is timing. Take me, for example. I’ll show up to fight anybody, anywhere. I’ll just show up a day late.

50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.

I had some Mexican for dinner. Who knew cannibalism could be so tasty?

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

I got hired by a newspaper to write a column on current events, so I wrote about Benjamin Franklin’s charting of the Gulf Stream.

If love were seaweed, I’d ask myself one question: Are you the sort of person who’d swim through it, or would you rather eat it? As for me, pass me my Speedo, and a spoon.

I don’t believe in failure. I’m perseverant – I believe in failing.

I had a dream about you where you were an economic hero. So is the real life you like the dream you? Answer this question: If Paul Krugman and Ben Bernanke were about to die,...

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or...

A brick could be used to keep yourself warm, and a blanket could be used in the construction of a house. But just like wearing your boxers on the outside of your pants, if you...

Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.

If I asked you to do something for me, I don’t suppose you’d listen?” When he had my attention, he continued, “I’m going to take you home. Try to forget tonight happened. Try to act...

Ah bet she’s a dirty wee minx in the scratcher. Y’see that “butter wouldnae melt” expression she’s goat goin on? That’s jist a smokescreen – ah guarantee she goes like a train.’ Jimmy belched, considerately...

When I am judging a theory, I ask myself whether, if I were God, I would have arranged the world in such a way.

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves.

I have no intention of bobbing on Vlad’s knob. Or yours.” I tossed into remove the wide smirk my response had given him and it worked.

Today vegetables. Tomorrow…the world!

Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all.

I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments before your attack, I assumed the identity of a bowl of Jell-O. Later...

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a...

Belatedly, I notice how much easier it is to walk on these sticks when you can’t feel your legs. Lesson number one for hooch wear, be drunk. It might make dancing more of a challenge,...

There’s a little bit of magic in every box!

I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

What did Isabelle want?” Jace asked.Alec hesitated. “Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with us.””Sure,” said Magnus. “And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world...

Why spend ten dollars to buy one item that does two things, when for five dollars a piece I can sell you two items that each does one thing?

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

Well, I’m sure there are people of Turkish origin wouldn’t want to do that, but external forces would try to influence the situation in Turkey.

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...

I want to be a man of mountaintops: to scale the heights, achieve a sublime transcendence, and breathe in the thin air. Transcendence requires suffocation.

The thing we have in common is we both love to make love. Maybe one day we can merge our mutual interest and make love to each other.