Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

He and the girl had almost nothing to say to each other. One thing he did say was, ‘I ain’t got any tattoo on my back.”What you got on it?’ the girl said.’My shirt,’ Parker...

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

You know that’s why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It’s because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with...

I am the Magic Chicken of Desire. Just add water. And a brick and a blanket.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

Fuck,” Ranger said.Ranger didn’t often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door...

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

That’s what I hear Janet. Of course, living it up can take years off your life and add them to your face.

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told…and have a sense of humor doing it.

There is a lot to learn about love and positions.

You say that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world? Well I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his time and efforts on woman ass and 20 percent on her entire body.

I stop stretching and face him, unwilling to back down from this visual standoff. I’m not going to let him perform his little Jedi mind tricks on me, no matter how much I wish I...

According to the fortune-cookie logic most people live by, the best things in life are free. That’s crap. I have a gold-plated robot that scratches the exact part of my back where my hands can’t...

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels….

A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.

Whatever it is,” I said, “the point is moot because as long as I’m on these pills, I can’t make contact to ask.”Derek … snapped, “Then you need to stop taking the pills.”Love to. If...

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

Jon: Our only thought is to entertain you!Garfield: Feed me.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams” This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he’s gone too far. Unfortunately, I can’t put a cover of my...

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

Don’t be hating on my peacock. It’s just not right. – Kye

I, uh—,” I began oh so coherently, and then I jumped up, almost knocking himover, and raced down the dock. I took off, flying fast, like a rocket.

Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play...

A brick could be used to make music. But why not use something more humane, like your armpit.

Well, I’ve seen porn!” Evan defends and Dan just looks at him. “Okay, captain Pornie, walk me through it,” Dan challenges. “I’ll be the pizza guy, and Jeff can be the plumber. You can be…...

They arrived home again to a most peculiar sight. The small garden at the front of the Banana House had been transformed. A tidal wave of cushions, beanbags, quilts, hearth rugs, and sleeping bags appeared...

I really detest movies like Indecent Proposal and Pretty Woman because they send a message to women that sleeping with a rich man is the ultimate goal and really that’s such a small part of...

Enough!” ter Borcht said.

I’ve always been led to believe that the ultimate goal for an author is the movie deal. Now I understand that the movie deal is merely a MEANS TO A MUCH HIGHER END: NAIL POLISH.

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...

She got icing all over her face. I think that’s why I like her. For the good stuff, she’s willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn’t want a girl like that?

I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.

He balled his hand into a fist. “You are such a bitch.” “Woof, woof,” I said.

Seriously, it makes sense. He’s always tired and pale, and keeps himself away from people so he won’t bite them….Maybe that’s what he’s doing when he disappears. Getting his fix of blood.

And the challenge in the next round would be determined by the winner of this test. “Like, what, the DOM-matrix?” ~Tara Reese

This [discovery of a cell-free yeast extract] will make him famous, even though he has no talent for chemistry.{Comment on German scientist Eduard Buchner who later ironically won a Nobel Prize in Chemistry for this...

Jenna, standing in the doorway with her mouth and hand full of shelled pistachios, says, ‘”Real’ is a dirty word in this place’.

Yes, I’m a nice man and I enjoy babies. I’m a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

Jonquil went by with a full plate of food, and Petunia reached out and tried to snag a small cream puff from it. Jonquil lifted it over Petunia’s head before she could, and clucked her...

Yes! Yes! There’s the attitude. Where was that girl during the race? Off getting sushi?

True love is jealousy in disguise: A man cannot restrict his lover from going to the club because he hates her, he actually hates the men who would come around and touch her.

But have you ever seen one?….They shook their heads. “Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage – “Man, she liked that Bible. I’d read it and could definitely understand it’s appeal, but...