The world looks very different to me now at twenty. I have outgrown my early opinions and ideals with my short dresses, just as Mrs. Walton said we would. Now the critics can say ‘Thou...

The fun is being able to have a show that you can do but then always being able to look out for that opportunity to do something different.

What is pink, blurry, and always leaving when you’re arriving? Love.

We really need to find a cure for stupidity, and fast! I’ve heard it’s contagious…No wonder why there’s so many of them.

Death is complicated.”-Johann Kraus

Sure. What’s the worst that could happen.” Twenty minutes later, we had our answer. “I can’t frecking believe this.”I cringed. “I’m so sorry.””I’m bald!” Giguhl continued. “I look like a freak.””It’s not that bad,” I...

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more...

He needed to gather her up, hold on to her, anything to help her stop trembling. Something was going to shake loose if she didn’t.

You going to stay in there all night, because we’re getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can’t hear a damn thing.

The fact that you and I are acquaintances only interested and amused the ghosts further. Gossip bunch, really.

Don’t go there, Bob. Let’s just not go there.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me,...

Our lips met hungrily, and his clever artistic hands wrapped around my hips. A sudden buzz from my regular cell phone startled me from the kissing.”Don’t,” said Adrian, his eyes ablaze and breathing ragged.”What if...

What would make them think I was the model for Midori?!” She told me to fix the misunderstanding immediately, so that’s why I’m writing this reply now. Please stop causing problems in my household. Thank...

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in.

please” anyone but themselves

And my piece of advice is…don’t flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.

Spartacus,” I called, “how’s it hanging?” Probably not too well. Once you’re dead, had your organs removed, and are resurrected as an undead mummified cat, your testicles probably looked like old raisins that had rolled...

Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say on a Date.1. You’re wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where’s the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad...

Tumia kipaji ulichopewa na Mungu.

You don’t have any friends, your sister dumped you, you’re a freak eater..and you’ve got some weird thing about Simon Snow.””I object to every single thing you just said.”Reagan chewed. And frowned. She was wearing...

What do you think is the problem? You’re a cute kid-­‐uh, guy. Man. You’re a cuteman.

Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle.

It was funny. I gave her the sheet and she said, ‘Mrs. Solar, I’m sweating.’ She was stunned.

A brick could be used to sell tickets to a new sport called Glurping. If you think it sounds disgusting now, wait until you see it live!

Hello lover.

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph]Since I’m an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn’t care less — it’s not like it’ll have any impact on me,...

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

I suspect it is simply my good looks. . . .

I cannot go to school today”Said little Peggy Ann McKay.”I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I’m going blind in my right eye.My...

I mean, we’re ninjas.””Well maybe you’re a ninja,” I said”You’re just a really loud, awkward ninja,” Margo said, “but we are both ninjas.

She knows all about black holes.

America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Just remember, all you have to do is say otherwise.

If you’re signing up all the pretty girls in Alden, I want to join too,” Max told Christy.”We aren’t taking men,” she explained.He cocked his eyebrow. “What? We aren’t sensitive enough for your kind of...

Rumo!” said Rumo. “That’s right!” Smyke exclaimed. “You Rumo, me Smyke.” “You Rumo, me Smyke.” Rumo repeated eagerly. “No, no.” Smyke chuckled.

don’t make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.

Scrawny? Baby, I invented scrawny. Scrawny is the new sizzling hot.

Depressed beyond what I’d previously thought possible, I stripped, showered, and slipped on a fresh pair of jeans and a tee shirt and headed for my mom’s, trying to figure out why a bank would...

A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t!

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a ‘Peanuts’ character.

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

I think it’s because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that’s real.