The unredacted text hides a black smudge mark.

Agatha had her tubes tied and now she can’t get any toothpaste.

Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around inebriated.

So, my sweet, did it put the fun into funeral?

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations.

Some parts of the Bible I find a little troubling. For example, if Jesus really believed in nonviolence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

You want to stab me again, don’t you?”He didn’t look at all ashamed. “Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities.”I groaned. “I’ve created a monster.””I don’t think someone who recently crawled...

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.

Oh, you need Alan to betray Nick and then you’ll steal Nick’s powers and kill them both,” said Mae. “Great idea. Hey, can i come? I’ll bring a picnic lunch if you promise not to...

Wish you were here” on the back, where exactly are you saying you wish they were?

I love the world, just, you know…not the people in it.

You fellows are amazing,’ the sweaty cook roared over the stoves. ‘Everything happens to you only. Each time you come here, you have a new adventure story to entertain us

I have a funny side. I have a soft and sympathetic side. I have a serious side, and a seriously romantic side. I have lots of sides; it’s the main course I haven’t quite figured...

For our third date, Agatha said she wanted to pay separately. And I wouldn’t have readily agreed had I known she also meant she wanted to eat separately too.

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it’s when the idiot laughs at you.

A brick is to a blanket, as the moon is to Sun Tzu. Fear my fearlessness!

Once Errol righted himself into some semblance of horsemanship, they set off at an easy canter. That is, the other horses set off at a canter, while Errol’s horse settled into a teeth-shattering trot. After...

If I had a funny thought and a runny nose, but only had one napkin and no paper, I’d rather use that napkin to write on than blow my nose. After all, that’s what sleeves...

Tradition or not, I sometimes thought putting children on an old guy’s lap was already creepy enough. We didn’t need to mix alcohol into it.

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

My favorite thing to do is watch the radiation box. Not the TV, but the microwave.

I suspect I am a hooligan.

yes” in eyes. Except when I blink. Blinking is definitely a no action.

My parents would read those books to me as well but they used to make me starving when I was a kid because they were always eating ham sandwiches with the crusts off and drinking...

I come from a long line of miserable people.

One day Orafoura and I were walking along and I turned and said, “I wish I could capture the weather in a bottle.” Without looking at me he said, “You can capture rain in a...

Braden’s.

Carnal love: a practical man’s love. A love you can see, touch, and taste if you’re kinky. If you can’t hear it, you’re probably better suited to its more abstract form.

Who inspires me to write? My clone. I just want him to appreciate me as a person.

I’d like to point out that we’ve had zero problem reaching each other’s mouths.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Salsa music is best when chewing on nachos. I’m a spicy lover. Taste me and see.

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven’t found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.

I’m a whore!”Miki hit the brakes…her hands.. gripping the steering wheel, glanced at Sara. “You’re not wearing any underwear, are you?”Sara let out a strangled squeal…

That’s the trouble with cookbooks. Like sex education and nuclear physics, they are founded on an illusion. They bespeak order, but they end in tears.

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

You read a book for the story, for each of its words,” Gordy said, “and you draw your cartoons for the story, for each of the words and images. And, yeah, you need to take...

Generally with the Oscars or the Emmys there isn’t much you can do until the nominations are announced. Then you know what kind of year you’re dealing with – what’s been overlooked, what the issues...

Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video,” I said.

Wehehehehell, if it isn’t Ollie-Ollie-oxidant-free…”You can take…all the tea in China…put it in a big brown…bag for me.He’s as sweet as tupelo honey; he’s an angel of the first degree.Men with insight…men in granite…knights in...

It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

I don’t use big words to show off because it’s ostentatious.

Trust her; we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!