No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

That’s why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

If you want to be seen, stand up.If you want to be heard, speak up.If you want to be appreciated, shut up.

And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl…there’s a little voice that say, ‘I wonder where he would go…’…if it hadn’t been for his head…

A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.

It depends on if you’re drinking or pouring.

gray hair is gods graffiti

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.

Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.

I’m not the boss of my house. I don’t know how I lost it, I don’t know when I lost it, I don’t really think I ever had it. But I’ve seen the boss’s job…and...

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever have is now.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

And so the dentist says ‘Rinse.’ So you lean over, and you’re lookin’ at this miniature toilet bowl.

It isn’t a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that’s beautiful.