Remember Stalingrad. Remember the crash of 1929. Remember the Industrial Revolution. Now remember that I am the proletariat cog in the machine that causes the meltdown of the aristocratic assembly line. Ben Franklin was a...

Secret 400. Those who complain that it’s lonely at the top never invite you up there to keep them company.

The first two letters of her name were M and E and I thought, Yes! Finally, a name I can relate to.

When you make the judgement as a network that there are only three candidates, you are censoring points of view.

Flattery will get me nowhere? That’s a hell of a lot better than the place I am now.

On March 5th, I’m having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don’t be late!

I’m fairly competant as a director and actor, but I am Mr. Neurotic as a writer. I just don’t have enough confidence in my abilities to take criticism well. I take it personally. Start with...

If a piano fell from the sky, my first reaction would be, Oh my God! I hope it didn’t crush my bag of chips I left lying on the ground.

A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.

You can’t put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I’d demand coupons for clones.

My table seats eight, so that’s my maximum. Having a small number of guests is the only way to generate good conversation. Besides, your whole house doesn’t get wrecked that way.

Being sociable is a skill you can learn. It’s like throwing a spiral, riding a bicycle, or murdering your clone’s lover, who also happens to be your girlfriend.

I remember calling the council’s cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican...

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

I love you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I love you. I think you’re stupid. I think you’re a loser. I think you’re wonderful. I want to be with you. I...

Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods,...

Fifteen minutes later, a meeting was called. “Okay, look.” Deb’s face was dead serious. “I know I just joined this project, and I don’t want to offend anyone. But I’m going to be honest. I...

Love your wife, your servant and your enemy equally, and file her credit card bills under the ‘enemy’ folder.

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

How now, my sweet creature of bombast! How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou saw’st thien own knee?

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

It wasn’t that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of...

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

I hope I never get so hard up I have to do advertisements. I’ve gotten ridiculous offers.

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn’t quite possible.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

After all, this was the place where I’d had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football’s first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location...

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I killed him, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed every second of every month of the torture process.

I want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details

I always carry a spoon in my pocket. You know, just in case it rains.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! PATIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! NOW!

What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning!

Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I’m going to ask you to sit still, or I’ll put you in the trunk.

This doesn’t mean you’re getting a discount.”Audrey heaved a mock sigh. “Oh well. I guess I’ll have to ply you with sexual favors, then.”Gnome choked on the soup. “I’m old enough to be your grandfather!”Audrey...

It’s equally my obligation as a comedian to point out what is wrong with us and get us talking about our problems as it is pointing out what’s wrong (with) the way, for example, the...

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

Gideon could not imagine any other young unmarried woman of his acquaintance passing up the opportunity to snare, if not himself, then the Carradice fortune. In any case, the number of women who’d rejected him...

Every time we made love, one of us cried. Mostly it was me, out of joy, but occasionally it was her, out of despair.

(Sookie’s Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.

I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it’s great, but sometimes you just don’t feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

I just know.”-Luke and Clary, pg.209-

Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

What’s so funny?””-Sorry,” David said, reddening again. “You just taste so sweet.””-What do you mean, sweet?”He licked his bottom lip one more time.”-You taste like honey.””-Honey?””-Yeah, I thought I was going nuts the day…well, you...