HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or...

A brick could be used to keep yourself warm, and a blanket could be used in the construction of a house. But just like wearing your boxers on the outside of your pants, if you...

Love at first sight is possible, but it pays to take a second look.

The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.

If I asked you to do something for me, I don’t suppose you’d listen?” When he had my attention, he continued, “I’m going to take you home. Try to forget tonight happened. Try to act...

Ah bet she’s a dirty wee minx in the scratcher. Y’see that “butter wouldnae melt” expression she’s goat goin on? That’s jist a smokescreen – ah guarantee she goes like a train.’ Jimmy belched, considerately...

When I am judging a theory, I ask myself whether, if I were God, I would have arranged the world in such a way.

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves.

I have no intention of bobbing on Vlad’s knob. Or yours.” I tossed into remove the wide smirk my response had given him and it worked.

Today vegetables. Tomorrow…the world!

Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all.

I had a dream about you. You told me you loved me, and then you stabbed me with a spoon. Luckily, moments before your attack, I assumed the identity of a bowl of Jell-O. Later...

One girl raved about a nice voicemail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a...

Belatedly, I notice how much easier it is to walk on these sticks when you can’t feel your legs. Lesson number one for hooch wear, be drunk. It might make dancing more of a challenge,...

There’s a little bit of magic in every box!

I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

What did Isabelle want?” Jace asked.Alec hesitated. “Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with us.””Sure,” said Magnus. “And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world...

Why spend ten dollars to buy one item that does two things, when for five dollars a piece I can sell you two items that each does one thing?

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

But if we leave them alone, just satisfying ourselves with social work, economic work and the building up of a national army, it can make progress, hopefully within a short time.

I’d dig a hole the size of the grand canyon to find a love the size of an acorn, and I’d use a shovel the size of a squirrel.

Of course it hurts, it’s a spanking. How else would it work?

His haircut looked like a spinning Frisbee on his forehead, and that’s why I fell in love. Because his girlfriend got tired of stray dogs trying to catch his face, and she liked that I...

That’s it. Can you do the scene?”The actor lifts up his foot to stick it in his mouth. I reach over from my seat and help him to fit it into his bulging cheeks. The...

Vanessa Sky Ellis scours the streets of NYC looking for celebrities to take selfies with, while I scrounge up quarters to try to buy love out of vending machines. I have had sex with more...

You are hard at work madam ,” said the man near her.Yes,” Answered Madam Defarge ; ” I have a good deal to do.”What do you make, Madam ?”Many things.”For instance —“For instance,” returned Madam...

It’s your right to have wishes and dreams. We all have them. It’s what makes us who we are – susceptible, stupid, and blind. But love gives us hope to live another day

I don’t know. I moved to L.A. to be a rock star and a comedian, and now I’m a contributor to Cosmopolitan,

There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions and slight southeasterly curvature of his manhood.

no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how...

Whatever you may say, genuine emotions are aroused by people. The first smile of a newborn, love confession, hang-loose chatting with friends, weekly meetings with dears, and a lot more other things initiated by two...

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics’ heads, where they are safe.

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist’s career.

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

Threat Level Fuchsia. Fuchsia!

We drank coffee like two lovers, despite the fact that we were strangers separated by a window and about two hundred feet. Thank God for binoculars.

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

If I were a superhero, I’d be Honesty Man. I’d be so transparent I’d be invisible.

It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.

And oil’s not supposed to mix with water. But then someone invented mayonnaise, and wham – instant mixing.

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been practicing my tuba, and I’m ready for a duet.

What do you want? Where’s the goddamn ice I ordered? Where’s the booze? There’s a war on, man! People are being killed!

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.