If you feel badly enough about dialing a suicide prevention hotline by mistake, it wasn’t a mistake.

I know a thing or two about a thing or two. One of those things is not love. Also, one of those things is not love.

If you don’t hire me, it doesn’t matter anywayBut if you hire me, the answers are all classified

I fixed your car,” he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table.I palmed them and eyed him speculatively. “You fixed my car?””I have walked the earth for more...

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Foul!” yelled Jamie, who seemed extremely happy not to be the one facing a blade. “Distracting technique! Put your shirt back on right now.

Intelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both.

Nice guys finish last but that’s what makes them good in bed.

They call it a mushroom cloud because ‘cauliflower cloud’ would just be too scary.

He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and part wind do not get cold.

I’d love to be what I have been.

I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

People in hell want snowcones.

She moved her hands like crane claws as she spoke, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. It was the dirtiest I love you I’ve ever heard.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

I had a dream about you. You were Ginger Rogers, and you were trying to teach me to dance, even though my movements were as stiff as a mannequin. I think you tolerated my abysmal...

I normally don’t do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

Me and my grandma are getting married. Just not to each other.

You need anything we’re only an hour away, give or take, honey. You call. We’ll help you hide the body.

Like the ocean I wave. Hello and goodbye are the same, when I talk with my hand.

I had done Shrek as a Canadian and I’m very proud to be Canadian, but I knew I could give more to it.

Oh God, is this like Silence of the Lambs?” Tears flowed down her face. “I don’t want to go down the hole! I won’t put lotion on the skin! Look at me, you won’t be...

I may not carry a detective’s badge, but I’m certainly the highest ranking member of Albatross Harbor’s neighborhood watch program. And like tilapia, I know something smells fishy when I taste it. In my neighborhood,...

Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no...

I squared my shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that I was standing in the apartment of the sea witch, wearing a fairy-tale prom gown, waiting for the attack of the mermaids.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to...

Our love was soggy, like the biscuits I forgot to take out of the bathtub.

It’s hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever let someone like me bring him to his knees-and make no mistake, I...

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion.

Two bricks, parallel and horizontal, equals an equal sign.

I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They’re like, ‘Who is this guy?’ And I’m like, ‘the end of your industry.

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

Leadership is being the first egg in the omelet.

Bücher haben Ehrgefühl. Wenn man sie verleiht, kommen sie nicht mehr zurück.

And you look beautiful,” she added.”I look like a cake.””But a beautiful cake.

If somebody came up with a really good idea, everyone would back it. Especially when we did the show, we had a real dedication that, if you were in somebody else’s scene, everyone worked their...

Words were his delight; Hers, a gay gracefulnessOf dancing and moving. But when to the place Of deep loving (Starlight at midnight)At last they came, Their full communion And consummation,Their complete sphere,Was stillness for her,Silence...

Morality is of the highest importance – but for us, not for God.

When I’m drivin’ in my car, and a man comes on the…ra-di-o…he’s tellin’ me more and more…about some useless in-for-ma-tion! Supposed to fire my im-agin-a-tion! I CAN’T GET NO!

Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still...

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

We losers don’t fear death. For us it’s the end of a lifelong losing spell.

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn’t stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the...

It wasn’t until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I’m just behind the jokes.

You will have relatively less problems to solve, if you don’t confuse problems with inconveniences.