Secret 46. Safe house, dangerous bedroom.

The only thing more honest than a politician is, well, EVERYTHING.

Those generic avatar images for uploading a personal photo are really convenient for me, because my face looks exactly like that.

Witnesses in my dream can place me in my bed, asleep, at the time of the murder.

All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.

Love is a funny thing. It’s so funny it will make you laugh until you cry.

Cats are like walking brooms you can actually comfortably cuddle with.

Oh, there are so many ways to categorize and catalogue things. Alphabetically, numerically, by date, weight, height, color, monetary value, sentimental value, or by Orafoura’s spiritual index. For me, I order things to subdue the...

I want to do something spontaneous, like combust.

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts.

I went to the mountains, but they were closed. Apparently I wasn’t on Mountain Time.

What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.

If you’re at the bar trying to pick up women, remember: bend at the knees.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman – the idea of her.

I want to merge running a marathon and doing a handstand into one action. It will look similar to how I’d make love to a mannequin.

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write in cursive and am endorsing checks for money I can’t recall earning.

I don’t have a car.”His eyes sliced into mine. “I walked here,” I explained. “I’m on foot.””Angel,” he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.

You’re never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh.

It wasn’t love at first sight. They ran into each other one morning in a sunny clearing in the forest. A few moments of stunned silence. `Glockenspiel,’ Adam pronounced, thinking (but with terrible doubt) he’d...

Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn’t be done.

Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a...

We have an active program. We have nuclear weapons, we are a nuclear power. We have an advanced missiles program.

All these old guys, they were exactly the same on stage as off, and they couldn’t help being comedians.

If you think rightly, every problem is financial problem or eventually becomes one.

We saw Uncle Jack every Christmas, and every Christmas he yelled across the street for Miss Maudie to come marry him. Miss Mauide would yell back, “Call a little louder, Jack Finch, and they’ll hear...

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.

The list of who’s the best is only one person long. My penis is only one person long too, if that person is two-inches tall.

Plus, in one of his e-mails, the guy said he didn’t like pancakes. What kind of asshole doesn’t like pancakes?

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name

I make love like a sandwich ate at my best friend. It’s only happened to me once, and I very nearly didn’t have to pay for it.

You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

I was just thinking that he might be willing. It’s not like he needs his semen.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

But if too many countries, as has been the case, interfere too much in the internal affairs, the political situation of Afghanistan, then of course we can’t hope satisfactory results.

Last Sunday it was cloudy, and I thought, Who named this day? Then I thought, Why is there no Loveday? Naturally, It would follow Jarodday.

Okay, gang,” I said, “according to blueprints, there’s an elevator access panel on the east side of the building. We may get a little dirty, but—””I thought we’d just go through the doors,” Liz said,...

Displacement of ‘What goes around, comes around’ is Zero.

He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too...

Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it, like a porn farmer.

She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was...

The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary.His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had reliquished their mortal coils in the internecine conflagration that ended their conjoined separatist movement, IRA-Q....

I didn’t actually know what regret tasted like—but I imagined if it did have a flavor, it would be lutefisk.

teenagers are never joking. when seeking to prove a point, principals and teachers should remember that teenagers are never, ever sarcasic or ironic. if they say “I wish someone would drop a bomb on this...

Most of the people I worked with in my old job were pretty cool. We used to go out drinking after lights out and the less pleasant members of staff would be the topic of...