They came out in a dim, damp basement – a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. ‘You take me to the nicest places,’ Claire said, and sneezed.

However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, “I’m just crying because of how wrong you are.

Holding hands with your lover is special, especially when that hand is plastic, and that lover is a mannequin.

Don’t fucking quote me!

Sometimes in my class I have people come in and do monologues inspired by people they know and I always find that to be useful to do specifics about somebody and then you’re actually doing...

I’ve been to a horse farm, a magical place where jockeys grow on trees. That’s where we made love for the first time like it was the second time.

I have absolutely no idea, Melinda,” he said, grinning.

The two seemed on casual terms, leading me to wonder how long this limousine had been in her life, and whether she had ever seen the inside, and if so, whether she climbed in the...

My girlfriend and I are close. She’s like a brother to me. My brother is also dating her. We make love like mannequins and mashed potatoes, despite the fact that I’m single and an only...

Though I normally approve of plain speaking, as you know, I would suggest that as part of your good behavior, you refer to the king as ‘his grace’ or even simply ‘the king’ instead of...

I think I liked the idea better when it was in my head.

You’re nasty and you’re loud,you’re mean enough for two,If I could be a cloud,I’d rain all day on you.

I think the enemy is self-censorship. In a free society the biggest danger is that you’re afraid to the point where you censor yourself.

I held a nail in place and slammed it with the hammer. Best. Chore. Ever.

Eve talking to someone on her computer and having trouble with the language translator…..”I have two like crimes. Your data and your input on Leclerk would be very helpful”Marie pursed her lips and humor danced...

Their faces were clay-coloured and featureless, yet not stupid; they might have been shrewd turnips.

Go out with me tomorow night,” Perry went on. “Let me prove to you that I’m the guy you want.””I…I guess I coul go out tomorrow night,” Miranda sounded shocked and a little swept off...

Mallory dropped her head to the steering wheel. “Look, I’m mad at you, okay? This isn’t about me. I know my painful memories are relative. My life is good. I’m lucky. This isn’t about how...

My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business.

I can see clearly now, my brain is gone.Lucy

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the...

God’s children and their happiness are my reasons for being.

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone’s sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.

With my grandma, every Sunday after church.

Lucas: I wanted to talk to you after class, but you disappeared.Me: I have another class right after. One of those profs who stops talking, stares at you and waits until you get to your...

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.

I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said “That’s not what I meant when...

He thinks things through too much.

Subject: SundownDate: June 14 2011 09:35To: Christian GreyDear Completely & Utterly SmittenI love waking up with you, too. But I love being in bed with you and in elevators and on pianos and billiard tables...

Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. “This is darling, Gabriel. Don’t you love it? You’re right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of...

Whatcha do to Ricky Ricardo? Found him talking real fast in Spanish.” “Nothing.” She looked at Tony. “He’s just moody, and the moodier he gets, the less you can understand him.

Boohoo.

Um i’m happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,’ Paris muttered.

Some stories have to be written because no one would believe the absurdity of it all.

We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn’t have enough time to have sex with me.

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord.” Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. “Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.

To truly fail in life is to never try. When you fall on your face, it is an opportunity for you to find the road again. It may remind you how hard the road is,...

How are you doing, son?””If you don’t get started, I’ll rip out your heart and have it for breakfast.”- Michael to Solo

As you get older, you realize it’s work. It’s that fine line between love and companionship. But passionate love? I’d love to know how to make that last.

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our...

What the hell is that?” I laughed.”It’s my fox hat.””Your fox hat?””Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.””Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.”Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in...

Well, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think they might have noticed we broke into Gringotts.

Ma’am,’ Augustus said, nodding toward her, ‘your daughter’s car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we’ll be forced to call the police.’ After...

“So what’s your team called?” asked Kate, twisting her legs into a pretzel-like configuration, “We’re called the Winmates because we’re inmates who win.” Kate looked back and forth at Reynie and Constance, searching their expression...

The adults said the only good food was the bacon, but the kids knew better. They had never had a more fun breakfast in their lives. Although they had to agree the bacon was very...

The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don’t have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn’t resemble art in any way.

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.

If I go back home to Wittenberg, I’ll lie down in a coffin and give the maggots a fat doctor to eat.