I think the Internet’s been a tremendous tool in terms of breaking down the power structure of information and entertainment, particularly at a time when so much information and entertainment were in the hands of...

When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?

I vowed in front of God – and Elvis – that I wouldn’t, didn’t I?

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other...

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It’s nature’s way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the...

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny...

When you are angry try your best to go to sleep, it keeps you away from speaking, writing and thinking while you are angry.

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts,” he declared. “I doubt if he could kill a duck.”Tyrion shrugged. “Fetch the duck.

No I’m not.

Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.

Good dog! Nice fetch!””He wasn’t fetching.””Bring her here, boy. Good job!”The dog looked from Zack to me.”I’ve been training him,” Zack said. “Up till now he’s brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he’s...

Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.

So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.

Breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. “Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood- I mean Gideon- but I must go and murder the cook....

Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.

I thought, What a miserable life he’s had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a jobas a driver—and he is a good driver, no question of it, a far better one...

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

…She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

Improvisation is almost like the retarded cousin in the comedy world. We’ve been trying forever to get improvisation on TV. It’s just like stand-up. It’s best when it’s just left alone. It doesn’t translate always...

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

A customer facing crucial decisions: What should I wipe myself with? What should I brush with? His personal hygiene was deteriorating rapidly as he stared at the rows of possibilities, sweating profusely. Would he ever...

I want her when she doesn’t want me, and I don’t want her when she wants me. Now that’s love in the 21st century!

I’m bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is “In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

I’ll kill you with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll kill you with something deadlier, like a karate chop.

All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I’ve got to figure out how that happened.

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

But Amy,” Elder says. “Space suits!

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Eating be eating, b’ain’t it, Birdie?”Nay, Uncle Bear: In Caermelor, at the Royal Court, they be so-oh, so much more advanced than anywhere else. ‘Tis not done to wipe your fingers on your hair or...

What do you hope to get out of this meeting? – CIA Counterintelligence official, polling the audience before the start of a briefing on CIThat’s what I hope to get: out of this meeting. –...

I could make dinner with one hand. Especially if I was serving Masturbation Stew.

Sometimes, when it’s going badly, she wonders if what she believes to be a love of the written word is really just a fetish for stationery. The true writer, the born writer, will scribble words...

Oh,” she said, in a very different way. “Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I’d love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

Why wasn’t I already kissing this woman? Why wasn’t I naked, eating violets, and playing music underneath the open sky?Looking around the room again, everything seemed terribly ridiculous. These people sitting on their benches wearing...

Claws to self, Vampira, I assume you brush your teeth twice a day but I have no idea where those hands of yours have been.

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

It’s delicious like my favorite treat! It’s definitely good to eat!

Pops: How about you finish this sentence for me, Jason? When a girl says no she means…Justin, looking desperately at me: No?Nana: Are you sure?Justin, shifting uncomfortably: I’m sure. No means no.Nana: Well look at...

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.

Jake eyed his brother. “I never forget. All data is stored in my memory banks. And one day, candy pig, you will pay.””You ‘re such a geek.””Thesbo.””That’s Jack’s latest insult.”Seth gestured with his wine-glass. “A...

A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so I know what you’re going through. You’re going through a dark tunnel, and...

This shit is easy peasy, pumpkin peasy, pumpkin pie, muthafucka!

Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something.