Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): …~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies....

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone’s orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

Of course Will was right again. But I realized clearly for the first time how desperate our plight was. It has been foolish to think we could rescue Kai. Now, wherever he is, it couldn’t...

I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills.

Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive.

Oh, I’m good. Seriously, after all these years, you’d think I would stop amazing myself. But here I am, still doing it.

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

Let’s start a new family.

That’s your truck parked up by the factory isn’t it?” Magnus pointed. “It’s awfully butch for a bookseller.

I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.

A man’s mind is like his car. If it gets to knocking too much, he’d better have it overhauled or change it.

I eat toast and ice—because bread and water just aren’t enough for me. I’m also an insatiable lover.

girlsplease give yourbodies and yourlivestothe young menwhodeserve thembesidesthere isno wayI would welcometheintolerabledullsenseless hellyou would bringmeandI wish youluckin bedandoutbut notinminethankyou.

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

Yeah? Well, if there’s anything worse than a whore it’s a bore.

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

I had a dream about you last night… you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs.

I pee in the sink, so I can save time by washing my hands at the same time that I am urinating. I’ll bet you’re wondering where my favorite place to make love is.

Vanilla has become too genericized. It’s become standard, which is good. Vanilla is a household name. But the same standardization that’s made it so popular has taken the novelty out of it. Being the vanguard...

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

Sir,” returned Mrs. Sparsit, ” I cannot say that i have heard him precisely snore, and therefore must not make that statement. But on winter evenings, when he has fallen asleep at his table, I...

The wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I...

And I sort of felt her…you know.” Alan made an exaggerated shape of a heart. “You touched her heart?” Mike queried. “No! Her bum. It’s sort of, you know, heart shaped. Big heart.”He flexed his...

Life is too short to dance with ugly men

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call “food”.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

It was a well-known fact that Lorna was leaving in six months’ time, since Lorna had been leaving in six months’ time for close to twenty-five years.

… a man doesn’t like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn’t know anything.

You don’t just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with it.

… but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, ‘What if Jesus had known kung fu?

You aren’t going to throw up are you? This is one of my favourite suits.

For many, many years.” The crooked smile on Trent’s mouth sent a shiver throughout my body. He was utterly dangerous when he wanted to be.

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people’s home wasn’t one of them. Usually boys of...

I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me,...

A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking.

Because when I first saw you I thought─no, I knew─you were special. Because I still think that every time I look at you. Because I think you’re smart and funny and brave. But most of...

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard!

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt.

Nerd life is just so much better than regular life.

Calm your tits, pussycat.

You’re a big boy, No. You’ll figure something out. Just make sure it includes the groveling.” -AbbyIt come to all of us. Especially those of us foolish enough to fall in love with women who...

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you.

A brick could be used to make it harder for people to achieve their dreams. A brick is just another obstacle they have to overcome if they are going to achieve their goals.

Maybe it was me,” Grandma said.”Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.