I want to never stop growing as a person. I’d love to be well over 8 feet tall.

He can say things that are funny but they don’t know because they can’t understand it. Sometimes I’m laughing even if no one else is.

Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.

Refutation of Baldy’s LawBaldy’s Law: Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 1. Suppose some of it + the rest of it = all of it.2. By King’s Rule, there’s...

I am the Love Ventriloquist. And if you say I’m not, I’ll say it so it sounds like you said I am.

Back in the day, before he was president, you just know James Madison’s homies called him JMad.

If I were an alcoholic, I’d work at a wine farm, where grape booze grows on trees, bottled and ready to chug.

Be levelheaded, that your head be not leveled.

To maximize love, I try to emulate an omelet. And I’m not just saying that to sound romantic.

During my first tour, the COS told me “Your contact reporting needs more glandularity.” I said “You mean granularity?” He said “That too.

I want to learn the language of the sun, and burn Agatha’s eyes out with my love poems.

Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.

If you feel like you’re drowning, don’t forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you’re actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

The Central Intelligence Agency is a CIA front.

Men are but wheat, and the government is the bread”? Ah yes, that was my grandfather, who shouted that shortly before hurling a loaf of bread at President Hoover during the great depression.

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He...

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

You and I are saying the same thing, you’re just adding an extra ‘not’ at the beginning.

With anal sex, I suggest you start gently. Find a slender midget. Or a member of Congress.

Would you kick her ass already?” Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. “Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad.”I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a...

Love happens to some people, sometimes. Other times other stuff happens to other people. I’m a person like those people.

If you’re a comedian undergoing brain surgery, I assume you’re not permitted to be conscious during the procedure, for your own safety.

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.

Experience is the best teacher I’ve ever had. I’m sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it’s true.

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

A cat purring on your lap while you sip hot tea, is there anything better? Oh, and you’re floating in a zero gravity environment.

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

I’m so paranoid that everyone starts to look like everyone. I convince myself I’m a con named Vince. My lips are thin and tight, but my tongue is broad and loose. I’m taking my secrets...

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.

Growing up, I used to practice Invisibility Technique Number Twelve, which I took from the Book of Orafoura. IT#12 simply states: Act like a tree and hope your opponent can’t see the trees for the...

Having good intentions isn’t enough when actions fail; you also need some bad intentions so that you look competent.

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

First people lose their hair, then their vices, then their motivation. Then a toupee brings it all flowing back.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.

Take a picture ladies, it lasts longer.” he mutters

The important thing to remember is that bugs don’t actually talk.

I mean, I’ve sold all these scripts and nothing’s been made. Studios have closed, stars have died. I had a director find Jesus. And the pictures just don’t get made.

My operational cover won’t withstand scrutiny. It starts blushing and giggling every time.

Oh please,” Scout said.”Don’t take that tone with me. You know you’d love to have a minion. Someone at your beck and call. Someone to do your bidding. How many times have you said to...

Heat radiated off Henry’s face. Salty snot ran down his upper lip. A majestic fart propelled him to the top of Section 12, just at the springing of the stadium’s curve. He slapped the sign...

To get faster and better service, ring a bell. It’s the same principal as honking at someone in traffic. People respond well to it, and they seem to really enjoy it.

To the issues of friendship, love, business and war, “surprise” is the optimistic solution.

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It’s not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven’t turned into monsters ourselves–survivor’s guilt, that’s called....

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he’ll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee.”That was code. It...

I don’t beg for those things which can be earned.