It’s because I’m pregnant, Christian.”He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. “If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier.

I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I’m not expecting it.

I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don’t know why they’d decided to confine its purpose just to sitting....

Just in case you get any ideas, know that I’ll be sleeping with a feather in one hand and massage oil in the other.

I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I’d better go drown myself before I freeze to death.

Working for Mab now, are you, Wolfman?” he smirked. “Like a good little attack dog? Will you also roll over and beg if she asks?

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?””That’s right. My mother’s folks are from Killarney.””Oh, really?””O’Reilly, actually. But what’s a vowel between friends?””Very good. You should be on the stage.””It’s funny you should mention that.”The...

It’s four A.M.! Who goes to bed this early!?

Why would I go looking for someone I know wants to kill me?

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

I never said you were supposed to be a jailer, i only said a normal person would have questioned why someone would create a decoy nun and then crawl out the window.

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Stephen answered, but not that I had lost self-respect. What kind of liberation would that be to...

A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean coldsome. I wouldn’t know, because I’m homefull.

Oh my god, I am a banana.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

I’ve knitted myself a hat, it’s plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it’s spring. I put it on and feel like a...

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

Do not complain about two things; your job and your position, because you can always change them.

A brick could be translated into Spanish, and then used to landscape a lawn.

Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?”Bob’s eyes darted nervously. “I’d . . . prefer not to. I’d really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And...

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

His ass has seen more cock than a poultry farm!

A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off.

Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

I had to say it gave me a warm feeling to picture Meredith Winslow spending twenty years or so in an ill fitting orange jumpsuit, cozying up to a great big girl named Beulah

A brick is like fruitcake. You don’t want to use it up all at once, and in fact, you don’t want to use it up at all. Well, if you won’t use it, then give...

Why write about the past? Well, there’s more of it.

Is that clear?” said Borcht “as clear as pea soup” I said

Be a Samurai.Because you just never know what’s behind the freaking sky.

A blanket could be used to fill in the blank.

Get me outa here. F*ckin’ creepy cheerleaders.

A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes...

You think that killing people will make them like you more, but it doesn’t,it just makes them dead.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

I’m sorry to hear that.

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

A blanket could be used to stimulate the topographical terrain of a mountainous region. Kind of makes you feel like God, if you think about it.

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

It’s horribly cute.” He kissed me, looked at the hat, and then he kissed me again. I vowed never to lose the pom-pom hat.

I saw a nipple and I got an erection. It was a man’s nipple, and I was standing alone in front of a mirror.