If you want to know what’s going on, keep your mind in the fridge or it might go off.

“He loved her…It was noble of him. It was beautiful.”-“It was stupid.

Short men are happy, for they can pass easily through the door. Tall men are happy, for they can stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, short men are angry, for they cannot stand erect and pluck oranges with their hands. Again, tall men are angry, for they cannot pass easily through the...

Next to God, Family is the best thing.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

It seems to me that very sad things always contain an element of the comical

Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to?

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in.

I’ve never been lost, but I was mighty turned around for three days once.

Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

Assumptions are unopened windows that foolish birds fly into, and their broken bodies are evidence gathered too late.

This book had two authors, and they were both the same person.

I cannot, I cannot,’ cried Marianne; ‘leave me, leave me, if I distress you; leave me, hate me, forget me! But do not torture me so. Oh! how easy for those who have no sorrow of their own to talk of extertion!

Dear Edmond,While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your furniture was missing. And by all, I do mean everything. So I raced around town trying to replace all your...

01210 is a pyramid, & worms move like handicapped snakes. My dream belongs in a wheelchair, because I just spilled coffee all over my sleep.

…You see I believe in that stuff to: yoga and mystical powers. I once knew a man who could kill himself on command. Can you believe that? . . . Why do you laugh? . . . Believe it! By will of his own mind, he could make his heart stop beating for good’ My...

Life is like an atom bomb… It’s a blast… but it can be a bummer too!

Thomas was sick of being accused of knowing things.

It is better to make an irrational noise in a bush than in a desert.

Well Connor thought ruefully At least now I know who to thank for my anger issues.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.

Foxbrush sneezed again.He couldn’t help himself. It’s not something a fellow likes to do when a stunningly beautiful woman is leaning toward him with an expression on her face like Nidawi’s wore. But sneezes are not prey to the wants or wishes of those inflicted with them. He sneezed so violently that he nearly knocked...