I can fly around the world in one night. I can wink and go up a chimney in a split second. I can be in 500 shopping malls on the same weekend. I can even...

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

Answering the question ‘How would you like to smell?’ by saying ‘I’d rather I didn’t’ is also no longer acceptable. It’s not playing the game. Men are expected to put some cash into the cosmetic...

Rivera rubbed his temples. “Satan told you to do it?” he said wearily.”No.””Elvis?””I told you, it’s supernatural.

The table was covered with food like roast chicken, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, roast turkey, roast liquorice and, the centrepiece, a roasted knight.

I like big books and I cannot lie.You other readers can’t denyThat when a kid walks in with The Name of the WindLike a hardbound brick of win.Story bling.Wanna swipe that thingCause you see that...

I like to think I’m not stupid often, tonight proves that when I am, I do it in a big way.

If you ordered up a whore here, you’d probably get a theater major doing Joan Crawford as Sadie Thompson. I wonder what would happen if I ordered up a Hershey bar?” His eyes lit up...

It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

I think the reason I choose the comic approach so often is because it’s harder, therefore affording me the opportunity to show off.

Today I feel like I did tomorrow.

A stitch in time saves uncontrollable blood loss

Knowledge may be power, but half of what I know I wish I could forget.

When people get into their 30s plus “boyfriend” sounds weird…if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term “manfriend” or “snookie bookie cuddles pie”.