He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the...

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be...

To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...

I wrote a song called “Stinky Sodomite.” It isn’t a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it is a children’s song that teaches them how to count. In fact, the...

world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones.

Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

Love is like water, except it’s either fog or ice. I make love like a steamy 32 degrees.

I’m not sitting around doing nothing. I’m busy petting the cat. Why hasn’t anybody told the philosophers that this is the meaning of life?

Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.

I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening and morning?

Lecture’s over.

Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?

I can always say no to a bottle of booze, but only after saying yes to the alcohol inside.

I just invented a hug machine. It’s solar powered so you can use it when you feel depressed, like on a cloudy day. Shit.

I am the Today Monster, and I’m hungry for yesterday. And I’m thirsty for coffee, which is like drinking tomorrow.

My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your living room carpet.

I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.

I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.

The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no money.

The last 33 years of my life have been a blur, like a hummingbird’s beating wings. Time flies, but not backwards, like a hummingbird can.

So I just got a call from the hotel, and they want me to start work tomorrow. I’m excited to have a job, but bummed out about working.

I had a dream about you. You were guarding a bridge that I needed to cross. You asked if I had the proper paperwork, and I said I did, but I was just missing one...

There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that...

Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing.

I know how to handle a sword, a gun, and a kangaroo pouch stuffed with marshmallows. You should fear me.

I observe Stand Still Day. I also observe whatever I’m standing in front of at the time. I hope on that day I see how much you love me.

This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.

Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.

drimorious” not exist, but neither does an honest politician.

I make love like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you, so why don’t I show you?

I think a cool war helmet is painted with red and white concentric circles, exactly like a bull’s eye. But I’m not a fighter—I’m a lover. That’s why I’m joining the military. I figure after...

Leave me with my leftover meatloaf and my Yesterday Sandwich. I’ll be in love tomorrow, if you come back with the ketchup.

I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.

She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking.

If I owned a t-shirt shop, I would honor Eli Whitney by putting his face on a t-shirt made from 100% cotton. FREE admission if you’re topless.

Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap sheets in America belong to politicians.

Laws are chains to the many, and whips to the few.

I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you.

A figure 8 doesn’t figure into my plans to live to infinity.

Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says, interpolate the opposite.

If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.

Spaghetti for brains albino idea weasel.”And that was when I stabbed her with a piece of garlic toast. It seemed like the most appropriate response. The police didn’t seem to agree, and I could tell...

I’m getting in my mom’s van and I’m going home.” I was just a kid, too. But I cared. With him gone, who was I going to play Plato and Socrates with?

I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.

Your vote doesn’t count. All that counts is who counts the votes.

I had to hand it to him, leaving the empty glove lying on the bed was an apt metaphor for love. Two things I can say about my grandpa are that he is wise, and...

You can have your cake, but you can’t eat it. You have to sit there and watch me scarf it down.