I prefer to urinate standing on my feet, rather than doing a handstand. You should see me enjoy a cup of coffee.

I killed my clone. It’s not murder, it’s partial suicide. I want a stiff drink, but not alcohol. I want formaldehyde.

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

When you use your pen to think, you’re never wasting ink.

Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening...

It’s easy to say I love you, but much harder to show it. Be bold. Be in love—and show it. Love is like writing—show, don’t tell.

If I were a betting man, and Thank Vegas I’m not, I’d say this bartender looks guilty of murder. Or maybe he just looks drunk. Possibly the two looks are identical.

I didn’t hear what was said, but I laughed, because I was too embarrassed to embarrass him by breaking up his punch line and laughter by asking him to repeat it.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

A flowing flurry of flowers fell to the floor when I fell in love, as if my heart were a garden that gushed forth and flooded her being with the fragrance of romance.

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks.

The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?

I don’t know what I’ll do until I know what you’ll do. I’m proactive with my preemptive reactive strategy.

Boxing gloves/oven mitts could be used to fight fires. My uppercut can knock you out cold, like melting ice. Sip it slowly.

Some dogs look like giant mustaches. I shaved mine off because it was barking too much. My love life has improved by leaps and meows.

I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.

I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.

I have developed a flavorless soup that’s indistinguishable from hot water. It’s the first soup to taste great frozen. Would you like some to go, in a thermos?

I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn’t cheer so loud when I’m trying to sleep.

I own nothing, but at least nothing owns me. Well, besides the bank.

I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?

Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.

I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.

Love is like a rain cloud under the dome of an umbrella. But I’m cool with that, because that’s what I call a portable shower.

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).

I often wonder how far I’d go for love. I guess it all depends on the price of gas.

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece.

My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be...

Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?

My hotel room faces the ocean. My face is also oceanic.

A brick could be used as a period on a really large sentence. A blanket could be used as a really large tilde sign.

My computer file is zipped, but my pants are not. Let us make love like 1968, before Al Gore invented the internet.

Bricks could be used to build structures that homosapiens can live in and engage in homosexuality in. Crazy, right? Well, it is 2012, and I think the world is progressive enough to finally accept houses.

I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.

There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.

Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And critics are like a box of forgotten leftovers in my fridge from a...

I don’t know, from other people’s pockets?

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.

This is my logo for Steve

The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.

I couldn’t pay the prostitute, and that’s the truth. She could have asked my wife, who would have told her that I’m no cheat.

I could be the man of your dreams. I could also be the alarm clock, stealing you away from the man of your dreams.

My lucky rabbit’s foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.

I fed her a placebo, a sugar pill, and then tried to sugarcoat the truth. The truth was I was lying when I said I loved her. Oh, I it was true I loved her,...

I had a dream about you. I was a sleeping bag salesman, and you sold insomnia. I tried talking you into selling sex instead, because that way we could sell combo packages. But you said...

When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.

Question for your life: If Socrates had a clone, would he advise that clone to know thy self, or to know myself, with myself in this case being himself?

If I have to tell you it is, it isn’t.

The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.