I’m a disciplined author. My diligent daily writing technique is called sleeping.

I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I’m a natural politician.

Coffee has a way of falling into my cup the way love does not. I’m so tired of being a lone sip when I should be a chug.

What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.

I’ll carry Carrie, yet keep my hands empty. I’ll hold her in my thoughts.

I ordered an extra large handshake to go, but I had no idea it would be so greasy—or that it would leave a stain on my crotch. Ugh, politics!

If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the gift of life—your own. Yes, you’d get to keep it!

I had a dream about you. You were washing your car, and I was washing my horse. You thought I belonged in the 19th century, and I thought you belonged in a zoo. I wasn’t...

In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.

A politician’s autobiography is a book that’s nothing more than a collection of paper, like toilet paper, only it’s stacked instead of rolled.

Boys will be boys. Well, some boys will be girls.

I had a dream about you. I was in love with you, but you didn’t even know I existed. In fact, like a politician with integrity, I didn’t exist, and that’s the best part, because...

I don’t care if you live by the motto: let the chips fall where they may, but don’t you dare spill the salsa. Not unless you’re holding it while we’re enjoying romance in motion known...

If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician.

I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and 3% orange juice, for a chaser. That formula is accurate, give or take...

Rejoice in the rain. Pretend you’ve just exited the desert.” I knew my words impacted her because she shivered in delight. I should be a politician.

I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.

Rembrandt painted portraits, The Karate Kid painted fences, and I paint my toenails. But I’m not a snob, I still consider those other two guys to be artists.

In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three people surveyed) stated that my armpits are the greatest thing since Louis XVI....

My favorite color on canvas is nudity.

I’m in the Just Under A Decade club. That’s how long it took me to get a four-year degree.

Wrong Way,” and I thought, I agree. So I turned around and went home.

Face to face marketing is like trying to dig a grave with a spoon. Kill it faster with a shovel.

Batman’s cape would make a great canvas for a cave painting.

I’d rather ride a unicorn than a unicycle. But my enemies, they could all ride a unicycle with a horn instead of a seat.

As a sculptor, I prefer busts. As a lover of women, I prefer busts. And as a football enthusiast, I prefer Robert Griffin III.

Not only did I not win the sweepstakes, but I didn’t even bother to enter. I feel discriminated against.

I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that to try to save some lives, but then my body relented and I...

I’m a competitor, and I welcome competition. My ideal matchup would be the best versus the best, or more concretely, me versus my clone. I don’t know if he’d beat me or if I’d beat...

No, we are building a joke.”

Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.

A brick could be used to get a new job. Hire me! I have a brick, and I’m not afraid to use it.

I had a dream about you. We were racing to be the slowest person on earth. You were winning, which meant you were losing. You were gloating because you were a winner, and I was...

I’m so hungry I could eat some silverware.

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

I had a dream about you. I had a flat tire on the interstate, which is really embarrassing for a hitchhiker who is using that tire as a substitute for pants. You were the only...

I want to go to Sing Sing prison. I’ll bet they’ve got a good chorus.

A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin.

My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book I want.

I want to be more like James Bond, and less like Ian Fleming.

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

Amy, she’s got a memory like an elephant, and a body like a meow.

When a guy at the urinal says to me, “If you shake it more than twice, you’re playing with it,” I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, “Shh. I’m about...

The Titanic.” Surely a brick with that name would never sink.

The reason the police buy water cannons is not only to control rowdy crowds, but also because my penis is not for sale. However, it is for rent, but not in the fight against freedom.

Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning...

Sleep with family is a napkin (nap plus kin), and I used a napkin as a blanket.

You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.

Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.

A brick could be used as a weight to keep the cardboard cutout of the Federal Government from blowing over. Well, at least unless a hurricane gets here, which would mean the government knocked down...