He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.

Lots of stores have self-checkout lanes now. That’s clever. They get us to buy their goods—and do their work too. Instead of paying cashiers to check us out, it’s like they’ve enticed us to pay...

I’m twice as old as she is tall. She’s half my age in height. We have a David and Goliath kind of love.

Many people wonder, is my love a llama—or an alpaca? The answer, is yes.

Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?

I have a phobia of balloons—and other sharp objects. I also have a fear of too much love—giving, not getting.

The world is a sad place today. I miss the good ol’ days. Gosh, why can’t I just go back to last weekend?

I went to a potluck. I brought my own pot—and luck. The pot was empty, just like my promise to bring food the next time.

I had tons of fun, minus 3,999 pounds.

I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging down all the water out of the goldfish bowl. My friends know I...

A brick is a lot like love. I mean, I’m sure it is. It simply must be. However, I can’t think of how at the moment, but that’s natural, because I’m not Cupid. OK, here’s...

Question for your life: If you could change War’s name, do you think you’d change its nature?

If I had a hand for a penis, would a hand job be appropriate in place of a handshake at business meetings?

A brick could be used as a stamp on a letter, to increase the weight and boost the cost and profitability of the postal service. It would be government efficiency at its finest.

I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so disgusted that I had to turn off the political debate.

With any new business deal, don’t think about how much you can afford to get—think about how much you can afford to give. A spirit of giving will allow you to get.

Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.

There’s a relentless wave of WTF coming out of Washington DC.

If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I’d use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33 percent would be spent in your celebration. I only offer that statistic so...

The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.

Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.

Love is like a corn-dog popsicle, and I’m on the Most Wanted list. Unfortunately it’s by the government, specifically the FDA, and not by women.

In a battle of believability, the winner is the one with the best body language, not the clearest logic.

Do you ever wonder if you’re the antichrist? I do. Not for myself of course, but I think you’re the devil.

Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around gentleman.

There’s truth in what you say, even though it’s all lies.

Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.

But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can...

Reading a book is like having the ability to dip a straw into the author’s soul and sip and slurp without lowering the water table of wisdom.

I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all the politicians except Barney Frank, who’d actually derive pleasure from the experiment.

Things I can’t live without: food, water, love. But not her love, because I haven’t had that in a long time, yet I’m still alive.

At first, the drudgery of mastering your craft is a prison—boring, slow, and with an awareness of how much time you’ll have to put in. But somewhere along your prison sentence, you come to see...

If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together.

No thanks. The one I have isn’t broken.

swimod.” Afterwards I felt like I was drowning in foolishness.

I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I like them.

I walk with a purpose. And a limp. (The limp helps serve my purpose, which is to gain sympathy.)

A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still,...

Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. You can’t fool an old sheep like me. To prove it, I’ll tell you that I’ve been continuously voting for the same person for president for...

I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.

To find my mistakes, you’re going to need a shovel—and a missing person’s list.

There aren’t two political parties in this country, it’s all just one big party—and the citizens aren’t invited.

Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.

Alone is just another word for love.

Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might be a 1.2. Interestingly, piss and shit are numerically represented by 1 and...

Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.

I was part of a focus group once, but to be honest, I couldn’t concentrate.

My life story is 75% true. But which quarter is a lie? Better check my pants pockets—the one the politician’s wearing.

A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).