Mow the carpet, vacuum the lawn, and make love like war.

Just as when we step into a mosque and its high open dome leads our minds up , up , to greater things , so a great carpet seeks to do the same under the...

You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better...

With gas cookers and chip pans in every kitchen, the chip-pan fire was by far the most popular method these Proddies had for burning their houses down. The second technique was the ever popular chimney...

I’m getting gray hair in all sorts of crazy places. Like all over my carpet. It’s like I live in a nursing home, except without all the sex.

My clothes are for the international jet set. They are very much for the red carpet.

We had sex by the fireplace. I remember because my waxy nipples started dripping on the carpet.

There’s bloodstains on my carpet, so I can’t have any vampire over, lest they lick they carpet while I’m urinating on it. Ugh, first world problems.

With the rising cost of food, either the portions get smaller, or the quality gets inferior. So, for example, pizza that used to taste like cardboard now tastes like carpet. Unvacuumed carpet, because I asked...

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

The worst to ever happen to a person who aims at the sky is to fall on the tallest mountain; the best that can happen to a person who aims at the ceiling of his...

When you’re on your deathbed, you won’t regret not having spent more time cleaning. Buy brown carpet, to camouflage the coffee stains.

A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet. Honk if you want coffee, and I’ll pour you an umbrellaful.

I write like if the color yellow had legs and could run a marathon while reclining back in a comfy sofa. I want some coffee, but I’m too lazy to get off my couch and...

My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your living room carpet.