This morning I ate a hamburger for breakfast, and then wept like a baby into an open jar of mayonnaise. I guess that’s just the champion in me.

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.

Nobody would use scissors to mow a golf course, I need a haircut, and I’ve only got 18 holes to do it in. If I had a wheelchair, maybe I could improve my handicap.

My last two girlfriends were named Anna, though the second one spelled her name backwards. So instead of Anna, it was spelled Anna, and that’s how I came to tell the two apart.

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady Gaga. Actually, perhaps that’s too cruel, too close to torture.

You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third grade shuttle run to prove it. I’ve kept it all these years to remind myself that I’m a winner.

She said no to my sexual advances. Makes me wonder if she even knew the seven colors of the rainbow add up to the length of my penis.

Love splattered on my life like bird shit on a windshield.

She made my heart melt, like butter. I loved her over a juicy corn on the cob.

I am two Jennifers away from making love to an Emily. It always seems like two people with one name are constantly standing in the way of my dreams. I wish they’d step aside so...

I live my life by a code. I drew on the Magna Carta for inspiration. It may have been the most expensive doodle ever. The British Library kicked me out, and threatened to prosecute me...

I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was there, and he is probably my father.

I am who I pretend to be, and right now I’m pretending to be my own clone.

50 bucks sounds fair to me. Especially since I’m not doing anything to earn it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch his back, and I get to enjoy the sunlight for a few moments.

Nothing is more romantic than being able to park in a handicapped spot.”

My wooden love is being eaten my termites. Romance in action.

Love is a feel-good feeling, like feeling a cat’s fur while my hair is on fire and my grandpa is reciting the pledge of allegiance while staring at my star-spangle-bannered boxers.

Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

My favorite time of the day is 3:33 pm, though I rarely see it because it’s a little too early to be getting up for the day.

Witty sayings don’t grow on bumpers the way babies do. I was raised by a single rush hour.

Neighbors, I’m on the fence about them.

If you drink, you risk divulging your secrets. Here, have another glass.

We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, but only after we buy some milk, cereal, and a book of baby names.

Sometimes I retreat into sleep to advance my mood.

A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake.

Like a pair of dead batteries, I felt energized. Love is the light in my Can of Darkness.

I have about as much practice sleeping as everyone else, though I’d like to have more.

Science.” I don’t believe in it. Science has yet to validate my disbelief in Bigfoot.

My first inclination is to make my business all about me, but my second instinct is to make my business all about everyone else, because everyone else is where all the money is at.

I’d like to sell mustaches in a can—for the connoisseur consumer and gentleman lover in every woman.

Some people snort cocaine. I snort powdered love. It’s like powdered sugar, only sweeter.

Money’s a tool, like a wrench, and until I make more I need to tighten my belt.

My penis’ name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.

There’s late, there’s fashionably late, and then there’s me, who’s always unfashionably late. If the party starts at 8:00 on March 5th, I’ll be there at 8:00 on March 5th—the following year.

I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!

It’s better to say something too little, than nothing too much.

A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp!

I’m two quarters the way to having 50 cents. That’s right, I have one quarter. But I’m also one quarter in love, and I feel rich!

A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

Love is the walrus I crayon with like it’s the Eifel Tower. I know, love doesn’t make much sense to me, either.

Love takes courage, if you’re doing it right. Not the kind of courage a soldier has, but the kind of courage a writer has. Say, I’m a writer, and I’m a lover—therefore I must be...

Who’d win in a fight, a tongue twister, or a tornado? How about who’d make a better lover in a diaper, me or Cupid?

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

If you could smell my smile, you’d nose how bad I want to kiss you. But you can’t, and I don’t.

If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that, so I’ll just sit here and continue sipping my mug full of steaming vagina.

There’s lots of love in Ocala. Must be something in the water. That’s probably why I have to pee so much.

The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I think I know the answer, so here is my address: Jarod Kintz 12321...