If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.

A blanket that has arms to hold you when you are sad, now that’s what I call a comforter.

I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while daydreaming. So here we have a case where two halves equal one quarter,...

This guy was a class act. And that class was Acting 101. If I were the professor, I’d have given him an F—for murder.

My feathery imagination took flight when I saw this photo. I’ll let you imagine what I imagined.

I’ve always felt that love and luck are two sides of the same pair of jeans. Pick a partner that won’t pick your pockets, and you won’t have to be plucky to find pleasure.

I often fantasize about torturing some of the lazier letters of the alphabet, like C, U, and E, because together they only manage to accomplish as much as the solitary letter Q.

I can’t fly with one wing. But I can’t go hungry either, and I already ate both the legs, the breasts, and the other wing.

A Letter to Andre Breton, Originally Composed on a Leaf of Lettuce With an Ink-dippedCarrotOn my bed, my green comforterdraped over my knees like a lumpy turtle,I think about the Berlin Wall of years that...

Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

Smaller plates discourage gluttony. But so does dining with dwarves.

I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew it by acting like I didn’t know it.

A meow’s a sound I want to look at. And after I see it, I want to pet it.

Strive and thrive on high fives. Oh sure, I’d rather eat a round of applause, but when you’re starving you’ll eat anything. Even still, I’d rather eat a bucket of boos than anything from McDonald’s.

I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That’s because it was a book on love that I read while making love. I multitask...

Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.

Fish strips—where food meets getting naked. My love is also nourishing and nude, and if you want to see it, you’re going to have to get in line with the rest of the starving perverts.

If religion is a crutch, then society is the broken foot.

His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I...

I have a chip on my shoulder. It’s a nacho, not a sense of bitterness.

Fishing is water hunting, and I’m casting my net wide as we speak. I’m in the desert, fishing for fossils.

My cat has long hair. Like a hippy. It gets annoying because I can’t get him to shut up about Vietnam. I can’t relate, because I wasn’t there. Neither was he, because like I said,...

I’m looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel. If you don’t snuggle, you must cuddle—at a world champion level.

I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?

My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place.

Love is about forgiveness. And since I love you, you should forgive me.

Question for your life: Would you rather be the first female U.S. President, the first woman to walk on the moon, or the first woman to be courted by two clones who looked like Christian...

Some people are happy to exist, and other people are happy to exit. If you’re wondering why everyone is running, it’s because I just pulled the fire alarm.

I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am...

I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.

I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.

I stepped on the bug to prove I love her, and show that I’d kill for her. Is there really any mystery as to why the guy she was talking to before me just disappeared...

I haven’t seen my old friends in a while. Maybe next week I’ll go visit them in the nursing home.

I want to merge a Phoenix with a Camel to create the world’s first everlasting cigarette. It’ll be a cigarette that rises from its own ashes, so you can keep smoking it indefinitely.

When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

Friendship can be developed by building halls one-person wide and having people go through two at a time.

A blanket could keep a family of three warm for a lifetime, but global warming could do the same for the world forever.

Murdering a mute to silence him is overkill.

Walking on the beach like a ventriloquist, I’ll make it sound like the ocean is calling out to you—through a conch shell.

A brick could be used as food for thought. Every politician should chew on that.

People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen Keller fan.

My expectations are sky low, because I’m standing on a mountaintop.

The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.

Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.

If the people we’re talking about are all my clones, then yes, I am a people person. I really do care. Ask me out or invite me in, and I’ll say yes—especially if you are...

A blanket could be used as a cat. Wait, I have that backwards. A cat could be used as a blanket.

Secret to life: When you succeed, let it go and don’t dwell, and when you fail, let it go and don’t dwell.

When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid, I was a full-fledged goat.

A brick could be used as a flotation device, if you’re Michael Phelps and don’t need it.

When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car.