I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I probably butchered his job title.

This place reminds me of the time I had amnesia. I think. It also reminds me of being in love. That must mean I’m lost.

I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones.

I’m older now, which I can’t help, but I’m also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings.

I ought to fire one of my two employees into the other one’s asshole.

I wanted to make her a greeting card, but as far as I got was folding the paper in half. I left it blank inside, so she’d know how much I love her. I never...

Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.

Dragons breathe fire, but what if fire breathed dragons? I make love like that—instead of it being hot, it’s cold and scaly.

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

When there is extra to be eaten, I’ll be there, and I’ll be hungry. When there is more love than people to absorb it all, I’ll be there, and I’ll invite my clones.

I got a boob job on my butt, and be honest here, does this bra make my ass look fat?

I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half.

Dinner for two is dinner for one, when one of the two is a cannibal.

I saw my reflection in a glass, but I did not drink of myself. I’m thirsty for her love, not my own backwash.

I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.

I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my home.

Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.

Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty.

I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.

I’d collaborate with my clones, because I’m a team player who wants all the credit.

I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.

Awards represent achievement, and to an extent they show more about who you are as a person than the personal items you picked out and purchased, because they show desire, ambition, goals, and accomplishment.

I think Shakespeare said it best, when he said whatever he said about whatever he was talking about.

I got my nails done today. I’m so glad that after 30 years, they’re finally finished.

If my skull were made of glass, I wouldn’t want you to see my thoughts, so I’d fear going bald.

Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.

For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were.

If I grew an inch a day, in 365 days I’d be one year tall. I’d be over three basketball hoops high, but I’d still only be able to palm a Sunday once a year.

I went to a gun range and shot a man made out of paper. That paper man must have had a brother, and I fear one day that paper man’s brother is going to shoot...

I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear.

My fate is sealed, like a new jar of peanut butter, but that doesn’t mean it has to be crunchy.

He was thoughtless, not because he was insensitive, but because I had just eaten his brain and his skull was empty.

What is the greatest mystery of the universe? The answer is brick. Or is it blanket? I forget which one.

The silence sounded like a fire alarm in my ears.

Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less sense.

I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing.

I called her twice, but she didn’t call me back. She’s more efficient than me, as she’s able to communicate without communicating. It’s sad, because I had two cups of coffee, and I was going...

It’s not really masturbating if you’re jacking your clone off. It’s more like politics.

Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.

When I get angry I tend to raise my voice—with a forklift. Hang on to my handlebar mustache if you want me to peddle faster.

I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for that particular politician.

I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.

If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend comedy before bed. The tenth doctor, having just read Tolstoy as deliberately mistranslated...

I only love her. I lonely love her.

I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.

When I think of you, I immediately think of someone else. That’s what I call love, and that’s why I never call you.

Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.

If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time...

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s sleeves, so these other people can get to work helping other people get...