Winning the lottery is all skill, and that’s why I don’t play—because it would be unfair to all the other competitors. I’m like that as a lover too, always thinking about the other competitors.

I had a dream about you. You were hungry, so I made you a binocular sandwich, which is peeping power between two slices of bread. You were a hungry pervert, so I thought it perfect.

yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far with it, but yeah, I guess I am a pretty yalty person.

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

I had a dream about you. We sold love like a couple of roadside lemonade-stand vendors. Your love was organic, and mine was made with yellow tennis balls.

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow.

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

I had a dream about you. We were going to change the world. But instead you changed your clothes and changed your mind about going to the bar, so I ended up crying on your...

Of all the bars in the world, prison is the worst, followed closely by the ones that serve alcohol.

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more scandalous. I should eat in the library, along with the other gluttonous nudists.

You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won’t remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.

p.” Stay quiet woman!

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

People should be heard, and music should be listened to.

Dance like there’s nobody watching. Or filming. Never mind that creepy guy in the corner with the camcorder. Just keep dancing.

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

The only thing that stays the same is change.

I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

A blanket could be used to divide people. All men who oppose me should get on top of the blanket, and all women who support me would be well advised get naked and get under...

I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.

A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War.

I blended into the kitchen like a blender, but I made so much noise that I nearly woke up the strawberries and bananas. You should hear me make love. (I sound like an ice machine,...

Shit or get off the pot,” because I rarely cook with feces.

A brick and a blanket could be used to show creativity, by making them the subjects of a divergence test. Oh wait, that’s what this is. Nevermind.

I can’t be always and everywhere Who Man. Sometimes I have to be the Why Guy. But that’s what makes women want to make love to me and give me a discount price.

If you could pour my love like it was a bottle of wine, would you have one glass or two? That was a trick question, because the answer is you’d drink it all—straight out of...

A brick could be used to send Satan back from whence he came. But where did he come from? Probably Washington DC.

I’ve never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weekend. I’ve also never had a one-night stand while standing the whole time.

There are many men who deserve to die. The most deserving are those that claim to serve the public, but only serve up the public as dinner to the wolves.

A blanket could be twirled in the air, like a new idea in your mind, and then either discarded or folded up like a wearable memory.

they’ll match the lemonade.” I make love like an Arnold Palmer, but not like Arnold Palmer.

Love is two souls occupying one bed. Though not a bunk bed.

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

A vagina is not like a car door, no matter how hard you slam it. That’s why I prefer to drive Jeeps.

Agatha had her tubes tied and now she can’t get any toothpaste.

I am a log, and last night I slept like a person.

Should I take off my helmet before I make love? I’d better not, because my bicycle’s breaks are worn out.

The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don’t think he...

I ejaculate confidence. My self-esteem might impregnate you.

Sex!” She must be one freaky nymphomaniac, because everything she says is carefully designed to get me thinking about sex.

Strawberries are so red they make me feel 33% patriotic.

I was an at-risk youth. I was in danger of becoming an adult.

I’m a sex lover and fan of family reunions. Those two things are unrelated, just as all my sex partners are unrelated (at least to me).