When I turned 30, I was done with Thousand Island dressing. I have moved on to Island Number 1001.

My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me more of an advance notice, say another 30 years.

Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.

I tried being 29, and it worked for about a year, but finally I just had to get rid of it.

I’m now solidly in my mid-thirties. I turned thirty, three days ago.