Love is like 17 cents minus 33,333.50 dollars. No wait, that’s not love—that’s how much debt I owe for a worthless college degree.

I was spotted at a Communist meeting. I got caught red-handed.

I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s...

The with is shorter than the without, but the with makes the without bearable, as the shadow of memory is long and bright. Let this be a lesson in love.

I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will lead to firsts. I train for seconds, that’s all—not even a cumulative minute—and that’s why I only ever earn seconds. Still,...

I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in them—my means of travel, which are my feet. I soak them, sometimes for hours, while I watch a movie...

I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.

A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean coldsome. I wouldn’t know, because I’m homefull.

Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.

Making art can be a mystical, spiritual experience. Sort of like golfing on water, which I haven’t done, because I’m more Michael Phelps and less Michael Phelps.

A blanket could be used for selfish reasons. I would list those reasons, but they’re mine—all of them. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.

You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam

As an artist, I’m aspiring for a Triple George—being compared to George Orwell, George Carlin, and Curious George.

A brick could be used to sell pepper to people in the salt mines. So while you’re busy selling pepper to the salty and sweaty workers, I’ll be selling them bottled water.

I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.

When I write my dreams down, I can relive my sleep when I am awake.

Brick!”

If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.

I had a dream about you. The Thursdays were back, and with them they brought hope. They were selling, and everybody was buying. I tried telling the people they shouldn’t buy, because if they just...

With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.

I had a dream about you. I was selling dreams and you were selling sleep. We decided to partner up, until I used some of your product and went for a sleepwalk and fell off...

A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead singer, and my sexy voice is like melted butter on a corn on...

I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.

I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning.

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only...

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.

A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

Today I’m in love. Today is Tuesday, though that’s not why I’m in love. I’m in love with Friday, and I actually fell in love yesterday.

What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

I want more sleep. It won’t happen, but I can dream, right?

I sing karaoke like I drink coffee. If my words come out a bit gargled, relax, that’s precisely how Hootie and the Blowfish is supposed to sound.

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.

I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery.

I use blankets like armor for cold.

A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior.

I am the Vending Machine of Love. Exact change only. The price is 33.3 cents.

A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m...

Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.

I’m too horny tonight to be productive. Right now the only thing I could make is love. And then I wouldn’t be productive, I’d be reproductive.

A blanket could be used in exciting medical advancements, curing everything from shivers to tonitrophobia.

The Illiterates.” To easily identify fellow gang members, we all wore letterman jackets.

I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.

Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too thick to fit in my cup to stir in the sugar.