I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.

I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty.

I used to wrestle, and I had a perfect record. I never failed to fail.

Everybody has something to offer the world. Even rapists, murderers, and politicians. Well, maybe not politicians.

When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!

I didn’t do a 180-degree turn on my thinking. I simply swiveled my chair around so I could dismiss the idea from the other side.

Well, eventually yes. Immortality would be dreadfully mundane.

Those who seek the Truth are logically in the dark. Therefore, if I aspire to be anything in the world, it’s to be a lighthouse. And you, my midget sidekick, you can be my flashlight.

A brick could be used to make love better. Faster isn’t always better. Don’t you want to make love better?

I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.

I am my own clone. I’m not who I was yesterday, but then again I am.

A blanket could be used as a makeshift trampoline, to attract midgets to your picnic. The great thing about dining with dwarves, is since they are little people, they eat very little.

People complain the president does nothing. I say stop complaining! Think how destructive he’d be if he actually tried to do something.

Hi, I’m from the future, and I’m here to destroy you.” But that is irrational. The future me isn’t out to destroy me, because the me of my past already did a thorough job demolishing...

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

Love is like a beautiful summer day in the middle of winter. I’ve got shorts on, so it seems like a good time to invade Russia.

Oh no, one of us is about to die—and the two women don’t think it’s going to be either of the two women.

This is America. Every vote counts. Sometimes twice, if it helps me get elected.

I’m passionate about being compassionate. It takes a lot to give of yourself, and that’s why it’s such a gift—for both the recipient and the giver.

Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician’s pants.

Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good scapegoat?

I stayed up all night making love—to myself. That reminds me, I need to buy some more Jell-O and political biographies.

A brick makes an excellent window cleaner, if you throw it hard enough. Before you know it, your window will look so clean you’d think it had been replaced with a new one.

Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs in, and keep driving way over the speed limit. You are in control...

I saw a sign from God, and it said, “Church starts at 8:00 am.” I cried out to God saying, “I can’t make it because that’s too late. Eight am is two hours past my...

I had a dream about you. You were storing my brain in a pickle jar in the fridge, and I only discovered it when I went to garnish my hamburger. Mindless and hungry, I was...

My goal is to do the most with the least—get the maximum output with the minimum input.

I thought the movie was too short to pay for, and too long to be free. But I’d watch it again, if I were wearing a blindfold and stuffed in the trunk of a car....

Control your temper, or it will control you. Sometimes even remotely, like a toy car. Christmas is coming up, and for only $44.44 I’ll sell you a gift that would be perfect for the child...

I had a dream about you. We met where most lovers meet—in prison. You were a guard, and I was in solitary confinement. The politicians felt the bars protected society from me, but I felt...

I’m itching for battle—with a mosquito bite. The only thing in life I’ll scratch at more is the need to be loved. I’m so bloody needy.

I’m picketing pickpockets, because I hate politicians.

I have the ostrich of an asshole. I also have the asshole of an ostrich. With these two things, I have everything I need. Well, aside from love.

I had a dream about you. You acted like a stranger, and tried to introduce yourself to me while standing next to me at my neighboring urinal in the men’s room. You tried to shake...

Eat Bubblegum” dance, I can’t actually perform it because my belly doesn’t bulge out far enough. When I make love it sounds like I’m chewing on a chalkboard.

A politician is a person whose brain is as jiggly as Jell-O, only not as intelligent.

I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts.

The lake I live by has dried up after years of selling bottled water from my back yard. So to encourage my neighbors to get excited about this development, I correctly pointed out that my...

I wear a jockstrap with my gun holster (loaded with fruits and vegetables).

I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!

I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

We’re different, you and I. I am a Rorschach Test, and you, you are a butterfly. No, wait, you are a bat. Actually, you are the Galapagos Islands. Or perhaps you are a failed Pollack...

I had a few good professors in my painting and drawing classes, but all my graphic design classes tried to teach us how to use Photoshop and Illistrator by showing the class demonstration video clips....

My name is Ron G. Am I wrong?

Branding is marketing and networking. It’s netmarking.

I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called life. I think the cops are trying to frame me.

What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.

Sales is the art of giving people what they don’t know they want, when they don’t think they’ll need it, at a price they don’t think they can afford.

Today you win, and tomorrow I’ll steal your trophy.

My dreams, they all look like the back of my eyelids.