On my first date with Agatha, I wore tight green Spandex, which made my skinny legs look like asparagus. Knowing no heterosexual woman could resist such a temptation, I set out to seduce her.

My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional.

I had a dream about you. I said green was blue and yellow, and you said green was yellow and blue. You were like that with everything I said, taking the exact opposite stance, yet...

How can I clearly see what’s wrong with someone else, and then look at myself as though I’m standing in front of a fogged mirror?

Dignity/ˈdignitē/ noun 1. The moment you realize that the person you cared for has nothing intellectually or spiritually to offer you, but a headache. 2. The moment you realize God had greater plans for you...

Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

…because to me the only thing that matters is the conceptions in my own mind, there has to be no reality anyway to what I suppose is going on (p. 153)

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

I want to make enough money to buy an island. Something modest, like Australia.

I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing.

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?

I used to walk down the street like I was a fucking star… I want people to walk around delusional about how great they can be – and then to fight so hard for it...

Mistake is an event not a person

I’m a logician. No matter how wrong I am, I can always convince myself I am right.

I was deluded, and I knew it. Worse: my love for Pippa was muddied-up below the waterline with my mother, with my mother’s death, with losing my mother and not being able to get her...

Denial is fear gone delusional. Acceptance is fear given to God. Engaging is fear overruled by God. Victory is fear banished by God.

The notion that writings created at a time when men huddled in superstitious terror from an eclipse can possibly be a credible representation of the Creator (whatever that word means to each person) is so...

In utopia, rule by masterminds is both necessary and necessarily primitive, for it excludes so much that is known to man and about man. The mastermind is driven by his own boundless conceit and delusional...

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

A mirror is like my own personal reality TV show—where I’m both the star and only viewer. I’ve got to get my ratings up.

High school sucked. It was a universal truth and whoever said these were supposed to be the best years of your life was probably drunk or delusional.

Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life.

I went out to eat on a restaurant’s opening night. It was packed! I guess people heard I’d be dining there and came to adore me.

Beware when wrong-doing is called good and right-doing is called evil.

She didn’t say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?

I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she’s dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held.

He is as good as anybody in this parish! He is very particular, too, about going to church-yes, he is!”I am afeard nobody ever saw him there. I never did, certainly.”The reason of that is,’...

Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.