If you carry all my love, it won’t get heavy and make you weak. In fact, my love will give you strength. And if you won’t carry my love, you carry a heavy burden.

That water supply is lost revenue for my city’s utility company. The rain that falls on my neighbor’s land is city water, and whether they collect it in barrels or wastefully let it seep into...

Consider it a gift that you didn’t have to unwrap.

She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie.

If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option in a two-party political system.

I cried at the funeral. It wasn’t because I loved her, it was because I was there, in the front pew at the church, chopping onions.

Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.

I once saw two rocks having sex, and I just shook my head because how stupid are those rocks? Don’t they know life only comes from life? Still, I voted for the rock on the...

From the corner of my eye I saw her. Of course this chance encounter with Rebecca wasn’t serendipitous. (I’m not throwing that word out there to illustrate my broad vocabulary, but rather to show that...

Stacks of vitamins in a soapy sink. Shh, don’t talk to me while I think. Don’t look while I stuff your yummy dinner down the drain. It was so good I couldn’t bear to eat...

Cats are meowable gloves you don’t wear, you pet to keep your hands warm. But I keep my hands warm the old-fashioned way—by applauding all the political rhetoric coming out of Washington DC.

A clone would make a great birthday gift, because it’s the only gift that keeps on giving. At least it’d better give me a birthday present every year. It owes its life to me.

When I die I’m donating my body to science, because everybody loves a free buffet.

It’s amazing how fast a handshake turns into a handjob. Ah, you’ve got to love politics.

If 12 of the finest soldiers were asked to follow bravely into battle, and near certain death, then I’d be very grateful to be the 13th best fighter.

If you ever find yourself in a blender with a banana and an orange, just start throwing karate chops.

Everything is offensive, to somebody. I mean, you could say Congress and I’d be in a rage.

Fighting and dancing are kind of related. Especially if you dance with another man’s woman.

Between was and is you’ll find me—but most of the time you’ll only find me in pictures.

I had a dream about you. The setting was upsetting. We were in hell where I was a prisoner and you were a guard. You reported directly to Satan, who reported directly to Congress.

I can understand that you love to dance, because I can’t dance.

My nail is a bit rusty.

My friend had a few kittens she was trying to find a home for, but she was having no luck. They were super cute, so I decided to poison their water supply. A few days...

Michael Phelps collects huhs. Huh? His mouth said nothing, but his actions said it all.

I like TV shows that motivate me to want to improve my life, as I sit listless on the sofa hour after hour, night after night. My desire to self-actualize grows with my waistline. If...

To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference...

Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.

My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goals.

What is art? Art is tar, rearranged. Art is tar on canvas or tar on tarp or tar on a naked body. Art is a bird chirping changed into something visual. Art is an image...

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

I love petting trees. Especially if they are fir trees. Single lovers should be good with their hands. I admire Bigfoot.

Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.

My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.

I’ll kill my critics with kindness. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll use something deadlier, like a knife.

I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now that she left and took all her love.

I won’t discuss non-discussable things with her, like the sound of silence or the vertical dimensions of an awkward moment. Those sorts of things are best left unsaid, like the last time I told her...

I had a dream about you. You left your popcorn in my microwave, so I decided to enact revenge by selling the essence of your stinky fridge as a fragrance marketed toward the same people...

Even though I wore an eye patch, the Cyclops and I, we didn’t see eye to eye. We argued about the nature of love, and I hated it, so in the name of love I...

The one benefit of Alzheimer’s is that you can keep giving them the same gift over and over, and it’s always such a surprise.

Anger is danger. Or at least 5/6th of it. That leaves 1/6th, if you want The D.

Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.

I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it cheaper.

You must overcome failure to succeed, and champions know how to lose. That’s why I don’t need to win to know that I’m a champion.

Take my advice and don’t take my advice.

I have a real problem keeping friends. I’m always running out of space in my freezer.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

A brick could be used to separate two types of people. On the left is a guy who loves my writing, and on the right is a girl who loves my writing. Now I love...

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

A brick could be used to wade into dangerous territory with a man named Wade who builds houses made only of wood. But if you’re going to play with fire, I suggest you wear a...

ost.