Brick is to blanket, as ellipses is to…

When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.

I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And finally, in four words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, lawyers, and bankers.

Escalators are the offspring of elevators and stairs. Love is the progeny of passion and admiration.

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand for one thing—a public willing to remain seated like obedient children, while they...

At first sign of crisis, the ignorant don’t panic because they don’t know what’s going on, and then later they panic precisely because they don’t know what’s going on.

A blanket could be used to distribute ice cream to dyslexics. Blankets are cold and ice cream needs to be kept warm, right?

Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

I’m a party animal. And that animal is a bear, during the winter months.

I’m the last one to pick, but the first one to choose.

I’m a gopher. If I see something I want, I go for it, Orafoura said .And I’m a shepherd. If I see a sheep I like, I fuck it, I replied. I mean I would,...

As eternal beings, we shouldn’t let our time spent trapped in the temporal prisons we call our bodies distract us from the fact that love is forever. Love now and love later, because the two...

I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.

My dreams and ambitions kept me company on the way there, and despair and regret were passengers on my return trip. I should have ridden a horse and not bothered with all that.

If you’re doing it right, love takes everything you’ve got—just like a politician.

Don’t leave me alone. Love me alone.

Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the people chose not to step on.

I don’t work out, but I do work in, which requires more focus and stillness.

Ever since I was fired for sleeping on the job I’ve worn a shirt and tie to bed.

I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).

I had a dream about you. You wanted to go for a walk, and I wanted to start a parade. I suggested we team up, but you said you’d rather have sex with a cactus....

Love is the best gift because it’s free to give and priceless to receive.

Politics is the art of doing nothing and ruining everything.

How many seconds does it take to win second? As many as it takes to win first—if you don’t use them properly.

His breath smelled like defeat. And dick—mine, which incidentally smelled like his asshole. Ah, but that’s just politics.

I took baby steps to overcome my embarrassment over my tiny infant feet. Would you dance with me even if I had the moves of a midget?

Not even death can keep me from the woman I love. And why should it? My death won’t keep me from voting for President every four years.

The issue, let’s pick it up in the AM. The mannequin, let’s pick it up now and dance like our stiff moves are cool and by design.

The hidden cost of frowning is the negative impact on the people around you, which results in diminished productivity in the workforce, and lost tax revenue for the city. Thus, frowns should be fined, and...

I can feel my cheeks through your cheesecake buttocks.

I need a camera shutter on my penis hole. That way I could photograph political corruption from the inside.

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting...

I told the cops I’ve been framed. I told them to just go look in the art gallery.

When I’m with her, life just makes sense. It makes nonsense.

Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and...

The university awarded me my degree, but can something that’s basically worthless be properly called an award?

My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?

A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.

My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.

I put my deodorant on like I’m painting my armpits with a paintbrush. Art is everywhere and in everything—especially love.

Around here there’s not much to do, I’m afraid. Actually, I’m lying. That’s not one of my fears.

If I were a cave dweller, I wouldn’t draw on my living room walls like a caveman. No, I’d draw on my walls like Basquiat. Not a big difference aesthetically, but a huge difference in...

Enjoy every second—even if at first you only win second. Keep competing until all your competition has died of old age and you are the winner by default.

If there is no picture, there is no proof.

Life: Don’t count the minutes, count your blessings.

A brick could be used to change the channel on a TV. Or at least turn it off—permanently.

I had a dream about you. We were playing football (soccer), and I just needed to score one goal to win. Of course, one goal was one more than I’d scored so far, so it...