I haven’t shaved in days. There are literally thousands of peaches waiting for me. I’ve been so busy loving that I haven’t been able to assist the Official Barber of Georgia.

My life is a code within a code, and I’ll crack both like two eggs and eat my existence like an omelet.

Sometimes I wish I were someone else. Times like those I borrow somebody else’s nametag. I make love like Todd. At least Today I do.

I’d rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that’s just the romantic me.

A blanket could be used to find the Brick of Truth. Many lies will be layered on the Brick of Truth to try to cover it up, but the blanket will cover up all the...

Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!

He’s half blind because he’s in love.

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

I’m 31 and she’s three decades younger. She’s like the mother I never had.

When I get to heaven, and I see a being of light, I’m going to ask him if he’s the urologist.

I exact revenge with precision. I’m very exact.

She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun danced on her face in the middle of the night. I never actually saw it because I was always...

I’m probably the last person on earth who will tell you I want to be the last person on earth.

During those hours, I had zero social awareness, as I was asleep. All the joggers who waved at me while I was walking can vouch for that.

I make art like I make love—slowly, so I get the most for my money.

I’d rather have 100% of 5 than 50% of 10—especially with love.

Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them to swallow.

I shaved my pubic hair, glued it on a wig, and declared it art. No museum was willing to exhibit it. I should have sprinkled cheddar cheese on top and called it An Ode To...

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.

I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical to him. It was such a sad dream that it made me drool...

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.

Life is getting weirder by the minute. Would you like to buy 60 seconds? No? How about buy one 30 seconds, get one half-minute half off?

I had a dream about you. I was a painter, and you were a nude banana. You wanted me to paint you in a still life, and I asked you to put some peels on....

I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

I had a dream about you. Too many people died that day for us to talk about love. But through the stench of rotting corpses, all I could think about was how beautiful you were...

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

Mustache,” because I have an eyebrow on my upper lip. When I close my lips it’s like a wink and a kiss combined. It’s like lust overload.

I had a dream about you. My brain was plugged directly into the internet, and people in Russia were streaming my dreams. Edward Snowden was there, and he was eating popcorn that I’d mailed him.

It’s sad to see old friends have to move away, but at the same time, you know the retirement home is the best place for them.

decorating” my ex girlfriend’s front yard.

This book is impossible to put down!” Well, apparently it’s also impossible to pick up.

I went to the priest for confession, but he didn’t do it.

Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

Helen Kelleresque.

I can read lips. Especially if they have words tattooed on them.

Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.

Collecting gold and silver is like collecting your freedom, one ounce at a time.

I may have written this before, but I may not have written it as well, so I’ll write it again.

The moon looked like melted mozzarella to my bleary and blurry vision. Was I tired, intoxicated, or in love? Or was I sober, asleep, and alone?

Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?

Writing is the art of remembering and forgetting. You must forget what you’ve already written, because if you’re dwelling on your old material you can’t write new material, and you must remember all you’ve written...

I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.

I’m putty in her hands. Out of her hands, I’m more like clay.

Don’t tell me to write your story. Write your own story. If you won’t write it down, it probably isn’t worth writing down—or reading.

Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.

Who’d cum first, you or your clone? To find out, why don’t you go fuck yourself?

Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.

F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my...