For our third date, Agatha said she wanted to pay separately. And I wouldn’t have readily agreed had I known she also meant she wanted to eat separately too.

It pours itself. My love, I mean. I hope you like a lot of gravy on your mashed potatoes!

The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his urethra. If you hurry, you can make it to mine in under 15 dollars. I mean minutes.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

75% of my life is spent wasting time. The other 25% isn’t nearly as productive.

I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I don’t have one.

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

If I owned a retail store, I’d keep my shelves empty, so it appeared my product was so popular it was always sold out. Of course, I’d make no sales because I’d have no product...

My mother-in-law scared the hell out of me. But it’s cool, because the stench of Satan reminds me of her anyways. Hungry? Deviled eggs anyone?

I’m not growing old for free. I’m charging myself with the task of becoming someone better every day. And by better I mean younger.

Boy, the DMV has got to be the strangest dating agency. But I suppose love is worth the wait. If I don’t meet a woman here, there’s this new club called The Morgue I want...

A band should be more famous than an individual, because all else being equal, the band has more mothers and fathers to lend support.

In the throes of passion, I threw out an I love you. Did I mean it? Does a dictionary mean what it says?

They should make cell phones that are dishwasher safe. My cup runneth over—especially since both our drinks are in one glass because I’m too lazy to load the shotgun.

I possess an object that reminds me of your stepdad’s bowel movements. It’s brown and squishy and smells like yesterday.

Meatloaf.

I’m aloof in love, like a single horse hoof. All I need to ride off into the sunset is one woman—with three legs. I’m on the lookout for a Buy One Pair of Shoes and...

I want to have negative three kids. Or three negative kids.

There’s bird shit on my toilet paper, and my asshole stings from such a long flight.

You used to love me. Let me help jog your memory by buying you some running shoes. The shoes will be wooden, and nailed to the floor.

I had an out-of-body experience so strange that it felt normal. You see, my soul, or essence, had left my body and went and inhabited the body of my clone. So I wasn’t in my...

I never heard back from her after our first date, so either she’s dead, or she rejected me. I wonder where her funeral was held.

I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to be me, because no...

How to get money: earn it, steal it, borrow it, beg for it, or inherit it. So, who do I have to kill to get rich?

Two butterflies in two socks could walk faster than I can run. A love song will jog your memory like I jog like Roger Bannister in a wheelchair.

Stop!” Don’t stop loving me—stop and love me.

My wallet was empty after the charity auction. Of course, my wallet was empty before the auction too. I donated my time and money to strippers.

Love should last a lifetime. But not the lifetime of a giant tortoise. More like the lifespan of a gastrotrich.

Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.

I refer to myself as he, the third person, because the first two people are out on a date. They probably expect me to pick up their tab.

So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I have to say about the school itself, as it’s so bland that if...

I’m not rich in paper money, I’m rich in packets of sugar. Actually, I’m richer, because at least the packets of sugar have some real value.

There’s a hurricane coming to Florida, and there will be high winds. I should probably turn off my ceiling fans, to try to mitigate the billions of dollars in damages the storm will incur.

I had a dream about you. You took control of my body and forced me to have sex with you. Then you called the cops, and the police said I raped you—but I was the...

Despite being tired, I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes having a functioning penis can be a real drag (especially if it always dangles along the ground as I walk).

I knew we were destined to be lovers from the moment she tied me up and stuffed me in the trunk of her car.

I’ve always been a pretty open person, much like a 9-5 store at 6.

Would a boring machine drill holes—or put you to sleep? I make love like a robot, so maybe I do both.

I often confuse fog and mist. But one is not the other any more than either are either. Let this be a lesson in love.

If Agatha had a twin, an exact duplicate, would I still feel she’s irreplaceable? And if I had a twin, would my value double, or be worth half as much?

Data doesn’t matter. Only opinions and stories formed from the data matters and gets shared and absorbed.

I’d lick the water out of your bathtub, just to prove I love you—and that I’m not a cat.

We made love like we made dinner. We had leftovers.

Thank God I’m not blind anymore!

If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

I had a dream about you where you were an economic hero. So is the real life you like the dream you? Answer this question: If Paul Krugman and Ben Bernanke were about to die,...

I don’t know how to say it without saying it, so I’ll just not say it. Or I could show it, because that’s the only way to make love visible.

Vanessa Sky Ellis scours the streets of NYC looking for celebrities to take selfies with, while I scrounge up quarters to try to buy love out of vending machines. I have had sex with more...

There’s moisture in my madness. I should start keeping my insanity in Tupperware containers.

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to...