Mr. Armstrong has strong arms. Probably from bicycling so much. And steroids.

I’m creative, I make up almost everything. But with all my creativity, I couldn’t make up with my wife.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

I don’t eat Sloppy Joes. I eat Tidy Josephs.

The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party? The ocean’s salty enough without my tears.

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.

A fire truck is just a drivable penis. The flames of my love might engulf you, if you don’t let me park inside you.

Cats are puddles of cuteness. I stepped in one the other day that was so muddy I not only had to pet it, but cuddle with it for hours.

Tell me you love me like you mean it, and tell me while your mouth is full of food.

I didn’t go to the water park because it was raining, and I didn’t want to get wet.

I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.

The only way to eat Cheerios is without cheer. Could a product name be more of an oxymoron?

After they broke up, Renaldo’s ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because his mother only had his best interest in mind.

Just to show my dad that I think he’s number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.

I walk like a guitar being strummed, and I love like cheese being forced through a grater. I like my nachos covered in melted music.

I live a single life. But only because there’s not enough room in my astronaut suit for two. There’s no love on the moon.

Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.

I held her gaze as I held her in my arms. With all that holding I couldn’t hold on to the moment, and it slipped past me into the lonely past.

I asked for a small drink, but he didn’t ask me what cup size. What, will a small not fit in a large?

I had a dream about you. We were standing next to each other, and a stranger asked for the time. My watch said 3:32, and yours said 3:33. I got concerned because somewhere I’d lost...

No, it’s all Greek to me.

I wouldn’t mind showering in the rain, if there weren’t so many naked men holding umbrellas standing behind me. Who invited Congress?

In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for something. Even though I was the only one who voted, it still felt terrific being nominated.

I am the mermaid of desire. Half man, half aquatic creature, I fish for my other half.

I took some naked pictures the other day. I don’t feel shamed, but I do feel remorse over having to steal the whole camera to get the pictures.

Tennis should be played with a canoe paddle. And 30-love isn’t just a score, it was my age and feeling. Hand me a creek, because my eyes are dry.

According to me I have hypochondria. So if I say I suffer from a condition where a person thinks they suffer from everything, it’s a giant loop! Nobody can say I don’t suffer from it...

I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.

Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her.

You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it.

I’m an understanding guy, even when I’m standing over you.

What I thought was a black hole turned out to be nothing more than a splatter of ink on my tie. And I assumed I was wearing the most astrological outfit of the century.

A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on the housing market and the element of irrational exuberance created by Alan Greenspan.

A book called Life of Silence would get everyone talking. I should write it, using invisible ink. Or to really make it see-through, I should hire a ghostwriter.

Love is like war, and I am the picnic basket out on the battlefield.

You can never be too early to stand around and wait. You can have a seat in this chair, after I cinch the noose around my neck and you kick it out from under my...

The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.

Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch.

I can’t can’t, but since I can’t, I clearly can.

I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.

It’s easier to pick apart what is, than put together what isn’t.

Love is something I know all about. Not from experience, but from quizzing numerous hookers about their chosen industry.

I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.

It’s not entirely true that I lusted after a married woman. I also lusted before her.

My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).

I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest.