Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So...

I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.

a kind of emptiness existed in the center of my bagel; really it was just the hole that’s in the middle of all bagels; ‘i need to go read my blog to find out what...