Get well soon” card saying I was sorry for coughing in their general direction on the 4th of November, and I hope that wasn’t a contributing factor for their illnesses.

I had a dream about you. You made phone books for a living, and I filled up your pages by impregnating as many women as possible. You said I was a living saint, and I...

I make naked, and I make it by hand. I also make it using the rest of my body. Coming soon to a Walmart near you.

It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name of Moore.

We made love like flamingoes are pink. You know what else was pink? My cheeks, because I was so embarrassed when I found out that she was the wrong woman.

Before you criticize my cardboard-free virtual product, I want you to know you’ve saved a dollar! Check the back of the box for details.

The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.

I make love like a mannequin mimicking a statue, only with less movement and more grunting.

A pancake would make as good of a wheel as I’d make a lover. I would invite you to have a seat on my unicycle, but it’s sticky from maple syrup.

Woman, I could drown in your love, but I’d much rather be strangled. More passionate, don’t you agree?

I had a dream about you. You were naked, alone, and a mannequin, and I was a tailor named Taylor. You fell in love with me, even though you knew I only wanted you for...

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

Me and my grandma are getting married. Just not to each other.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

I really am who I seem to be, and I’m coming apart at the seams.

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special.

I decide to order wine, despite the fact that I don’t like it. But just because I don’t enjoy it is no reason for me not to not enjoy it. I’m romantic like that, I...

In Jacksonville, people respect people. Rodney Dangerfield would have loved it here.

Can you ever really say you know anybody—your clone included? Still, if my clone’s birthday were coming up, I’d only shop Buy One Get One Free deals.

Her name is Angela, though she’s no angel. Dad, I can’t believe she replenishes us.

Where is the pizza I ordered 33 minutes ago? I specifically called for pizza to be delivered. The pizza’s missing, and so is the delivery guy. I hope nobody finds his body in the woods,...

I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.

I don’t want to rail against modern railroad barons, because this is America, and I believe that I too will one day be wealthy.

I had a dream about you. You were whispering in Van Gogh’s ear, which was in my pocket at the time, so people thought you were storing secrets in my pants. The NSA got jealous,...

I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love.

Last night I slept like a baby. In a crib.

I don’t want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.

My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I paid too much.

Love is seeing her smile as if it’s a sunrise. It’s beautiful, but geez, I wish she’d quit grinning at me while I’m trying to sleep.

Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like a STOP sign.

After a few years of not talking, I tried reaching out to my father, but by that time he was already a few inches beyond my outstretched fingers.

At their core, things are essentially good. Except apples. At their core, they are trash.

I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness.

If I met a man who had eleven sons, the first thing I’d ask is, Are they all yours? And of course the next question I’d ask is, which one plays quarterback and which one...

I planted a tree. You’d think my neighbors would be happy for the shade it would provide them, but no, they said I planted it too close to their house. Since when is six inches...

For Christmas I got new socks. I peeled them off a dead body.

I should name my future son after an orgasm sound. Not mine—his mother’s. It’d be silly to name him Eek, after my orgasm sound, because that’s his uncle’s name, and that’d be too confusing.

We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.

A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in...

Have you been waiting in this line her whole life?

I sat next to a salmon on the sofa. After ten minutes of bear-like conversation, it was dead. Oh well, at least surrealism is still alive.

When I didn’t see a ghost, I knew I’d seen a ghost, because ghosts are invisible. This logic also lets me know when I’m in love.

You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I watched a truck go up in flames. It was hauling cigarettes. It was the first tragedy I’ve ever smoked.

Is there a word halfway between hello and goodbye? Because that’s the word my soul is trying to say.

A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.

I want to be the mayor of a small town. A small town I populated entirely with my seed.

I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.