I make love like I make lasagna. I just made some, so would you like seconds?

I covered up my mistakes—with dirt, like you’d do with any other dead bodies.

I prefer love songs to any other form of torture.

I travel light. But not at the same speed.

My grandpa died yesterday. I ought to know, because I shot him. So come, join me in the fight against patricide by killing your father’s father.

I knew I was in love because I had butterflies in my stomach. Also in there I had flowers, a few rainbows, and leftover unicorn from the bbq the day before.

I speak the language of love. I just have no idea what it means.

When I found him lying in the ditch holding a shovel, I thought he was sleeping on the job. Turns out he was being even lazier, and he was in fact dead.

I’m in danger of losing my job as official scribe to my inner voice.

I am the man of your dreams. Go back to sleep.

Even though I buried our love in a coffin, it isn’t dead. No, our love is very much alive. Or at least it was yesterday, when I went to visit the cemetery.

I give everybody my love, and therefore nobody gets my love. I’m freedy—free and greedy.

My love tastes like a raincloud. Best taken when suffering from desert mouth.

More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.

He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.

My ballsack drives me nuts. Jogging has got to be the floppiest sport. Definitely not for lovers. Gentlemen prefer gymnastics.

You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.

Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper.

With this guy, two words come to mind: Probable murderer. But since he was the bartender, another word comes to mind: Understandable.

The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.

A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that’s why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

Silence is downright noisy when you’re a loud thinker like I am. Alone and quiet, it’s like a networking event in my mind all the time.

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.

I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos and goodbyes just to get by.

Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.

If I spent as much time as I did money, I’d be dead tomorrow.

I sell yawns. So when you see me yawning, and you then yawn, just know that’s me giving you a free sample of my product.

I melted in my defeat like Victory Ice Cream. I brought along an extra spoon for you, because I’m a sharing kind of guy.

It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back at 5:01—and bring your own coffin.

He had short hair. The technical term is bald. I’m sure he would have made a better lover if he were wearing a Donald Trump wig.

If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.

Her name was Rose, and I’d hoped that one day our love would blossom like her name. It didn’t, so today it lives on atop a grave.

I’ve just walked ten feet in the wrong direction, and I’m too tired to turn back around and trudge back. Oh, the lengths I go to for love.

As a lake is the reciprocal of an island, so Agatha is the soup to my spoon. She makes me feel like an apple and a doctor, keeping myself away from myself, like the yellow...

My last name comes after my first name, but it came before my first name, and it’ll be around after my first name dies (my first name will die with me). I wish my first...

A blanket could be used to stop a train. Another good thing to use would be brakes. I’ll sell you a set of train breaks for the price of a warm night’s sleep.

On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, “You can’t own a cat. Ever.” Second he told me, “Friendly boys make friendly friends.” Finally he...

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

The mountains are where God proves He’s better than Michelangelo at sculpting.

office.” I like to think of my office as God’s cue ball. I’m calling in now, The Big Three’s hitting the two ball in the corner pocket.

My answer is nope, so don’t even hope.

I want a billion people to know my name as well as they know their own. I want to clone myself to fame.

Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

red tape,” and start using Caution tape.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

There Are Two Typos Of People In This World: Those Who Can Edit And Those Who Can’t

A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.

Gin is a confusing drink. It’s the only liquid that’s both wet and dry.

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.