Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

Weirdism is definitely the cornerstone of many an artist’s career.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.- Simon Hunt

Snoring keeps the monsters away.

Back in the days when gladiators hacked away at each other, there was always the man who decided whether the defeated should live or die. The job is usually given to the Emperor in movies,...

I want to be the leading man in a story about followers.

So-called intellectuals conceptualize love; fools just love.Fools breathe air; intellectuals (so called) breathe ego.

Cuddling was for great aunts and teddy bears. Cuddling gave him cramp.

The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly...

If radios and microwaves merged, then the ideal pop song would be three minutes, or the length of time a bag of popcorn takes to finish popping. That’s about twice the length of my marriage,...

What’s wrong with you? I asked myself. You are a happy person. You are an upbeat sort of person. Men smile at you on the subway, women ask you what shampoo you use. Cheer up...

You know what I like most about people? Pets.

When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.

He didn’t care if I hated him, only that I did as I was told.

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

To most people, if you’re muttering, you might as well be speaking a foreign language. I should know, because in college I took two years of muttering.

…and specimens like this confirmed there had been some kind of divine rule in the universe because no natural selection process was up to the task of creating something like him. This was some god’s,...

I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.

Like ice, this economy is more fluid than ever. Thanks, Washington, DC!

Leo couldn’t help smiling. “That could be fun.””Fun” she said unhappily.”Blue elephants.””Blue elephants.””Kiss me you fool.””You fool.

I’ve won Satan’s lottery.

I like TV shows that motivate me to want to improve my life, as I sit listless on the sofa hour after hour, night after night. My desire to self-actualize grows with my waistline. If...

Word of advice, sister mine. If you want to keep your papers private, don’t write ‘Private’ on the cover. It set the mater right off. It was all I could do to stop her sniffing...

Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a...

I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I don’t support. I want people to associate that politician with a retard in...

Outnumbered again. Come in and feed the face.

You’ve brushed your teeth,” He says, staring at me.”I used your toothbrush.”His lips quirk up in a half smile. “Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?

Your pants didn’t get smaller, Mommy,” I assured her. “Your butt got bigger.

First, I’m not getting married, so you can forget the wife. Second, if I was insane enough to get married, I wouldn’t have kids. Third, if I was insane enough to get married and have...

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

It’s still masturbation if your clone gives you a hand job. It’s also a lot like being a member of Congress.

I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,’ I said. ‘By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn’t true. The world is only broken into two tribes:...

Because you can’t argue with all the fools in the world. It’s easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they’re not paying attention.

To take another person’s life for personal gain is the most selfish act imaginable. Especially when that other person is your clone.

it was the hardest frost recorded since 1786.” It is just the same with wars. The war in progress is either the most righteous or the bloodiest, or the most successful, or the longest, since...

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America.

My love is three times as deep as you voted for. You thought it was two feet deep, but it’s six feet deep, like a grave.

Jason hated being an old man.

If you can love cats, you can love human beings, because you have to be able to love them without getting them at all.

A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.

Only one English word adequately describes his transformation of the islands from worthless to priceless: magical.

In New York I’d go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I’ve upped it to six or seven, mainly because I’m too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the...

I’ll give you a treat to get in your cage. I’m rewarding you for punishing you. Who am I? If you guessed either dog catcher or politician you are correct.

A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love.

Do not mess with this man’s threads!

Love is a combination of understanding and misunderstanding. I’m understanding of your flaws, and I’m misunderstanding why you don’t try to be perfect, like I am.

Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...