I rummaged through the drawers in search of a strong poison. I thought of nothing as I looked; I had to get it over with as quickly as possible. It was as if it were...

My cat likes to wake me up by licking my armpit. Never before have I had such a romantic alarm clock. It’s true, man, I should have been born Harry Truman. He could have been...

I would so hate to be a first-person character! Always on your guard, always having people read your thoughts!

I don’t know whether to be proud or appalled that danger, blood and death inspire you so.

I want to start a business making mint-flavored sunshine that comes in a can half full of meow-free rainbows. (Leprechauns sold separately.)

But who is ever fair in an argument?

Sensitive,” I tried.Sam translated: “Squishy.””Creative.””Dangerously emo.””Thoughtful.””Feng shui.”I laughed so hard I snorted. “How do you get feng shui out of ‘thoughtful’?””You know, because in feng shui, you arrange furniture and plants and stuff in thoughtful...

I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.

Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.

Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked

why do you have to fix the salad? who broke it? i didn’t touch it. did you break the salad, mom? if you did, YOU’D BETTER FIX IT!

Peace cannot be achieved; they have to be plucked out of their pod.

Ronan said, “I’m always straight.”Adam replied “Oh, man, that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told.

Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder than normal.

I drink coffee like a civilized man—alone in a cave, wearing a loincloth, and grunting in frustration because my club is too thick to fit in my cup to stir in the sugar.

Let’s go commit senseless acts of science.

The US is at a point where just when the people imagine things can’t get any worse, they realize their imaginations weren’t big enough.

In lieu of Tasers, you’ll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I’ll turn into a bat to get away from you.””Fight or...

Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should...

Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here...

Over the years I’ve received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo–though those people may also have real problems.

I want to hold onto this funny thing. God, it’s gotten big on me. I don’t know what it is. I’m so damned unhappy, I’m so mad, and I don’t know why. I feel like...

Of course he does.

His heart beat so rapidly it might burst; he kept telling himself everything was fine so long as he remained a giraffe.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Is it better to be feared or loved? Loved, because people associate with you because they want to, not because they need to. We need to eat beets, but we want to eat cake. Be...

I’m an all-the-water-I-can-drink-in-a-flower-vase kind of lover. Roses and batteries sold separately.

And I may not omit here a special work of God’s providence. There was a proud and very profane young man [aboard the Mayflower], one of the seamen, of a lusty, able body, which made...

I’d choose smell.” But of course with that comes the loss of taste too. But who cares? I could eat cheap, flavorless gruel everyday with stinky people and be perfectly happy.

She looked like a dead Teletubby.

My imagination plus Vibrizzio is not only equal to but also greater than a real man. Why should I settle for second best?

I can’t abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!

She wasn’t the only one to be physically morphed by reader expectation. Miss Havisham was now elderly whether she liked it or not, and Sherlock Holmes wore a deerstalker and smoked a ridiculously large pipe....

There is no known cure for severe affection for one’s cat. The only way to relieve the symptoms is to go ahead and launch a kiss attack.

I am the food of love. And do you know what food that is? Distilled barley.

Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage – but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly...

Charming villains have always had a decided social advantage over well-meaning people who chew with their mouths open.

Why should I be annoyed? Someone only filled the castle with rotten aspic, and deafened everyone in Porthaven, and scared Calcifer to a cinder, and broke a few hundred hearts. Why should that annoy me?

Dialogue between two characters, each of them different forms of karate, might be a bit choppy.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

I love microwave dinners. I also like eating other appliances, like fridges and dishwashers.

In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch.

Luce blushed. “Then what kind of angel are you?””I’m sort of in between gigs right now,” Daniel said.

The most environmentally friendly last name is Green.

Don’t breathe on my voice, I yelled through my ears. But who’s there to listen, when you’re all alone and wearing earplugs. It’s true what they say, even if they say it silently—love is Helen...

A book can tell me anything it wants to, but I sure as shit don’t have to believe it.

In a totally sane society, madness is the only freedom.

the [coat] rack above his head like a javelin.On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. “Is that a coatrack?”Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. “If you’d been...

There’s a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.

The demon at legth fell to singing a gentle, flickering little song. It was not in any language Sophie knew – or she thought not, until she distinctly heard the word “saucepan” in it several...