Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.

Lone women shouldn’t stop in the middle of nowhere for giant unkempt strangers with duct tape on their faces.

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT...

The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—or skinny in love?

Twice,” added the voice under the table.

His mouth captured hers, trying to show her with his kiss what he was still learning to express in words. He loved her.He worshipped her. He’d walk across fire for her. He——still had the audience...

Those items your woman is looking at are a gift from the goddess, you oaf!

Sales is the art of giving people what they don’t know they want, when they don’t think they’ll need it, at a price they don’t think they can afford.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Politics is a foggy mire full of snakes.

Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.

Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.

You scream like a leettle girl.

New Rule: Don’t name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means...

I had a dream about you. Dinner for two turned into dinner for three when you told me you were pregnant. I was excited, but a little nervous, because we were at a fancy restaurant...

The Latin word for sausage was botulus, from which English gets two words. One of them is the lovely botuliform, which means sausage-shaped and is a more useful word than you might think. The other...

Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere,” said the toad. “You know, where they can drink and fight and feast forever? So maybe this is...

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

I feel like dancing. If I bring an extra wheelchair for you, would you like to join me?

I do not like you.

Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape.

There is undoubtedly a strong possibility, notwithstanding the vagaries of contingency and misfortune, that my son mighthave fallen—or might, we could say, have voluntarily jumped, in accordance with the ethical codes with which he has...

I obscenity in the milk of my shame.

The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite...

I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.

The salesman said the sale was happening because all the gizmos in the store had to be liquidated. It was a lot of solidfluid, and I would have bought something, but the only thing I...

What can I say? I’m a magnificent specimen of manhood. Of course they all want me. But I do appreciate you protecting my honor.

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

You should be flattered that I think you look like Miley Cyrus.”

Monkeys can’t talk, stupid!

All men have parties and are pals who never let each other down. A pal can say terrible things which are forgotten the next day. A pal never forgives, he just forgets, and a woman...

I don’t like dirt, because nothing is dirtier. Except politics.

Volnaka … did a remarkable job of getting anyone drunk with alacrity. It also worked well as a combustible in lamps, as paint remover, was a marvelous antiseptic and was singularly effective at erasing any...

I’ve had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

When did swearing become so easy? You still would never swear in front of your parents or most adults, but when you’re with your friends it’s like every fifth word. Why couldn’t learning Spanish be...

I had a dream about you. We were racing to be the slowest person on earth. You were winning, which meant you were losing. You were gloating because you were a winner, and I was...

Ranger is an unusual name,” she managed. “Is it a nickname?”It’s a street name,” Ranger said. “I was a Ranger in the army.”I heard about them Rangers on TV,” Grandma said. “I heard they get...

… a metaphor … is like lying but more decorative.

I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.

Have some Itch Soup. I made it from scratch. It tastes like beef jerky, minus the beef. It has all the flavor of starts and stops.

The relationship between professional and domestic cook has similarities to a sexual encounter. One party is normally more experienced than the other; and either party should have the right, at any moment, to say, “No,...

Wayne: You wanna know why I really came to find you?Waxilliam: Why?Wayne: I thought of you happy in a comfy bed, resting and relaxing, spending the rest of your life sipping tea and reading papers...

I had a dream about you. We made love like two albinos in the snow. Even though I could see everything, I couldn’t see anything.

Oh, for God’s sake,” I said. “Just give me the stupid thing.” I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. “GPS,” Ranger said to Morelli. “Probably I can find...

Heaven has no taste. Now—and not one single sushi restaurant. A look of pain crossed the angel’s suddenly very serious face.

If you want to find dirt on me, wait until after I’m dead and buried.

Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder.

You got here in the nick of time,” Johnny said, grinning insolently at him. “I was just about to start ripping off her clothes.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who’d just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.