It’s Wednesday, and I just made a fresh batch of Thursdays. Buy one while they’re still hot! They go on sale Friday.

My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat … I AM A CHIHUAHUA!” — Skippyjon Jones (In his very best Spanish...

Going to work every day was like my hair was on fire and all I had to put it out was a hammer.

We heard the army before we saw it.The noise was like a cannon barrage combined with a football stadium crowd- like every Patriots fan in New England was charging us with bazookas.

Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness.

Make project plan as simple as possible, but not simpler.

You ever flown something before?” (Christopher)”I hold the highest score at A.S.U. for Star Wars: Starfighter.” (Kitty)”I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m going to regret this.” (Christopher)

Actually I don’t remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

I’d pour the Milky Way in my morning coffee, just to wake up my inner universe. Your love is all the sugar I’d need.

Elsie, who had a lot of energy and no shame…she seduced me. It was not a success, from Elsie’s point of view, because the orgasm for women was just coming into general popularity then, and...

My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well.

A blanket could be used to silence your internal critic. And if you don’t shut him up, I’ll do it for you. Geez, I’m trying to read over here, and I can’t focus with his...

My hobbies include urinating in empty apple juice bottles and then pouring the contents into kitty litter and trying to get the clumps to form shapes of historical figures.

For with dandies, a joke is the only way of making yourself respected.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

In a book, even the real bastards can’t hurt you. And you can never loose a friend you make in a book. When you get to a sad part, no one’s there to see you...

Did they look like psychos? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them – I don’t give a fuck how crazy they are!

For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of the other.

In winter this town is freezing. You step out your door in the morning and the whole place looks like one of those nature specials in which a guy brings a camcorder to the North...

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

Darius held Stark back from launching himself at Neferet, and Duantia spoke quickly into the rising tension. ‘Neferet, I think we can all agree that there are many unanswered questions about the tragedy that occured...

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.

Something different was happening to William alright, as if Winkleberry wasn’t different enough.

My wallet was empty after the charity auction. Of course, my wallet was empty before the auction too. I donated my time and money to strippers.

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

I’ll tell you what love is. Love is walking up and down Archer Road in Gainesville, Florida and feeling like Cupid. Too bad the cops took issue with me hitch hiking with a bow and...

He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.

Sometimes it’s the tiniest things that can mean the difference between life and death.

But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat.

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make it a point to break for love. My horn is broke—and so am...

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

I’m 31 and she’s three decades younger. She’s like the mother I never had.

Great pals we’ve always been. In fact there was a time when I had an idea I was in love with Cynthia. However, it blew over. A dashed pretty and lively and attractive girl, mind...

Mine,” Zane told the cat.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

We did the usual beauty, grace, anti-dirt spell, voice of a songbird, the works…it is never that kind of beauty that we gift. It is a spell. You are the most beautiful woman in the...

Exchanging currencies from one country to another needs conversion, but not translation. Money, like love, is a universal language. However, you can’t debase love, no matter how much of it you pump into the world.

I don’t like like like I love love, but I’ll bet we have that in common. You have so much love to give that I’m surprised I haven’t received any of it.

If I typed out positive words, printed them out, blended them together with fruit and ice, and spoke all those words into my drink before chugging, would I absorb those positive attributes faster?

That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” Puck said.”How cool will it be when it kills us?” Sabrina asked.”Considerably less cool,” Puck replied.

You possess other people’s…bodies.”He accepted that statement with a nod.”Do you want to possess my body?””I want to do a lot of things to your body, but that’s not one of them.

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.

At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers.

What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go commando.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I wondered how a man ever got an English girl into bed. What did they do with her hockey stick?

Sex is not a wizard, whatever magical-seeming properties it might possess in its better forms. If your friend says to you, “You’re being mean, you need to get laid,” your problem is not sex. Your...