Is this Jarod? This is Jarod. I’m you—from the future. I’m exactly like you—only better! By the way, congrats on your upcoming wedding! Spoiler alert: divorce

PricklyWhen I’m feelingporcupine-y,I get nasty,I get whiny.Stay away orI might stick you.My sharp words arequills to prick you.

If there’s gold in it, then the mine is mine. And if there’s no coffee in it, then the cup is yours.

I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

One of Renee’s friends asked her, “Does your boyfriend wear glasses?” She said, “No, he wears a Walkman.

Henry KissingerHow I’m missing yerYou’re the Doctor of my dreamsWith your crinkly hair and your glassy stareAnd your Machiavellian schemesI know they say that you are very vainAnd short and fat and pushyBut at least...

I had a dream about you. Of all the flowers I’ve ever loved, you were the one who looked most like a woman. The others didn’t look like men, unless you count my Uncle Butch,...

There’d been some nights when my fat ass had saved my ass (ba-dum-tsh).

When there are 16 ounces of coffee to be shared by two strangers, and only one 8-ounce cup between them, then one man must give up his coffee, and the other must formulate an alibi.

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.

If you were in paris your food might as well glitter.

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Okay, guys. Stop it. Are you going to start peeing on me to mark your territory?

Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars...

A bad reputation will dog you for years. A good reputation will cat you.

Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He’s heading back to the hideout now. And I’ve been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of...

I hate when I look in my closet and find clothes instead of Narnia.

Humor is reason gone mad.

As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand.”This makes me feel like a five-year-old,” I said, licking it off.”If I ordered a sandwich at this place, do you think they’d cut the crusts...

Ignoring plus ignorance equals ignoringance—knowing a problem exists, but doing nothing to fix it.

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

When we’re telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.

Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?””Yes.””You called her a liar?””Yes.””You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?””Yes.””Have a biscuit, Potter.

You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night.

It’d be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it’s totally obvious to everyone that I did it.

I cry when I think of all the tissues I’ve used over the years and all the trees I’ve killed. The more tears I cry, the more trees I kill, which causes me to cry...

You can’t be extinct if people aren’t even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don’t know.

Frowning, she looked up. “You can’t want to ravish me every time we meet.”Oh, yes, he could. Demon gritted his teeth…

Seventeen, eh!” said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred.”Six years to the day we met, Harry, d’yeh remember it?””Vaguely,” said Harry, grinning up at him. “Didn’t you smash down the...

His shelf. Good. Noodle dust. Decaying brain collecting dust. Must insert it back in skull—what was I thinking?

Don’t threaten me with a good time.

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle’s on a poodle and the poodle’s eating noodles……they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100.

May you and your triple cursed wash water turn purple with orange spots and fall down a bottomless pit!

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.

He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain.

I have a theory that sometimes people think they need to talk as much as possible, almost as if talking more equates to knowing more.

Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me…

I promised her the world, but instead I bought her a globe.

Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?” He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire his backside. Callipygian. There is something better than Notre-Dame.

It me birthday and nobody came…Bigfoot decide do something nice for self for big day and sneak in they house at night and pick out own present and blow out flickering candle of life in...

Just because I flap my arms, that doesn’t make me a bird. No, I’m a bird because I believe myself to be. That’s the power of faith.

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.

I like to wear a suit and tie and say things like, Well, I’d better be getting back to the farm. The crop’s not going to grow without my encouragement.

I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife.

I would love a sandwich,’ said Tybalt, with enough gravity to make it sound like a formal proclamation. Resolved: that we will have ham and cheese sandwiches.

She should’ve interviewed Snape,” said Harry grimly. “He’d give her the goods on me any day. “Potter has been crossing lines ever since he first arrived at this school…

I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms.

I mean, scamming on guys on the Internet? I thought that was only for forty-year-old divorcees who Photoshop their pictures in an effort to appear younger and thinner.