You cannot discover new oceans until you are willing to lose sight of the shore.

I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.

Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.

Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and… reproduction.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.

Katy skipped over, her low-rise jeans threatening to fall off her skinny hips. With some girls, that was a sexy look. With Katy, it made you nervous.

Secret 9791422.1. If it can’t end well, don’t end it.

I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left.

The hole in my heart matches the key I gave her, and I’d like it back, along with the key to my hope chest.

Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.

Little WordsWhen you are gone, there is nor bloom nor leaf,Nor singing sea at night, nor silver birds;And I can only stare, and shape my griefIn little words.I cannot conjure loveliness, to drownThe bitter woe...

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

I, uh, I was teasing.

I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.

Love is like walking while riding a bicycle. It’s pretty hard to do when you’re curled up like a cat, sleeping in a wheelchair.

Yes. Your father helped me with that peacemaking thing I do that keeps you happily killing for a living.

The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil).

But it is best to let sleeping facts lie.

Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much–all of it wrong.

No doubt zombie films are dumb, but I find it impressive that zombies can hold a camera relatively steady, let alone write a screenplay.

People tell me I look like my father. I’ve never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?

I knew I was in love because when I saw her my heart stopped. Obviously it started beating again.

I can’t relate to your razzle-dazzle, your wish for voluptuous when my symphony is spanx.

Come on, there’s no one there. You want coffee?” Tess asked.”Yeah, sure, why not? I’m only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don’t imagine why caffeine wouldn’t help this situation.

Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without...

Stefan spat. “Oh, aye, he fell. O’ course, Master Ralon helped him fall, several times. Poor li’l tyke didn’t have a chance.

Live fast, die young – which is it going to be???

Never run after a man or a bus, there’s always another one in five minutes.

I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.

…food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

Fuck. You. It’s foot… Yeah, it’s you.

There is no future. You’ll see.

The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

There are more than enoughto fight and oppose;why waste good timefighting the people you like?

We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I’d thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing...

A brick could be used to test my new levitation machine. Still, I’d rather test the machine out by seeing if it can lift my heavy, elephantine penis off the floor. But before I turn...

The most popular labor saving device is still money.

Critics claim to see no evidence of CIA’s new policy of transparency. Well duh.

I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that.

People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly...

Humor and paradox are often the only ways to respond to life’s sorrow with grace.

Everybody finished the song at different times. At last, only the Weasley twins were left singing along to a very slow funeral march.

To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.

You can fuck your math teacher but you can’t fuck math.

CIA analysis: the too soon joke that predates the event.