The spotlight hides blemishes, and shadows hide from the brightness. When love shines down on you, you’ll be glad you purchased your Albino Survival Kit, available for sale starting at $99.99.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in...

I need to work smarter, harder, faster, and longer than you. And if I still don’t come out in front, then simply changing directions will correct that.

What’s this about?””Finally. Interest,” was the only response.”If this is one of your tricks…” Like the time Torin had ordered hundreds of blow-up dolls and placed them throughout the fortress, all because Paris had foolishly...

I’m gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up,” she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. “That’s a good thing to be, Julia.””Although,” Frank said. “Frank Zhang would be good too.

Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.

It was considered at the time a striking proof of virtue in the young king that he was sorry for his father’s death;but, as common subjects have that virtue too, sometimes, we will say no...

I’ve been fortunate to work with hundreds of best selling authors and speakers which led me to a stark reality: Very few people advise you what NOT to do. Call it unconventional wisdom. I spent...

Cops, I’ve learned, are like vampires; they can’t come in unless you invite them.

If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option in a two-party political system.

It’s like I’m running a goddamn dating service around here.

I think computer viruses should count as life … I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in...

How to Lose Weight Through the Miracle of Diarrhea. That sounds like a bestselling Romance novel title if I’ve ever heard one. I’m a sucker for a good love story.

But when a man is really in love he can’t help looking like a sheep. Now whenever that young man looked he looked like a sheep I take back all is this morning. It is...

People say the sun is too bright. I say the sun is too silent. And that’s saying something, considering I’m a Helen Keller fan.

Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familiar with half a dozen languages and can swear fluently in all of them. She understands...

I once saw two rocks having sex, and I just shook my head because how stupid are those rocks? Don’t they know life only comes from life? Still, I voted for the rock on the...

When my internal voice goes external, and I’m in a noisy crowd, I can hardly hear myself think.

The F word turns me on, she whispered. The F word?FoodHe threw back his head and laughed. It rumbled up out of his chest and felt so good it startled him. For the first time...

Going to bed at sunrise, I find a blindfold helps me sleep. Also, I like it when my kidnappers put pillows in the trunk.

For somewhere,” said Poirot to himself, indulging in an absolute riot of mixed metaphors, “there is in the hay a needle, and among the sleeping dogs there is one on whom I shall put my...

Oh, well, that’s not bad, I suppose. I mean, I’d prefer devastatingly sophisticated – but almost endearing is more than I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?

Cats are meowable gloves you don’t wear, you pet to keep your hands warm. But I keep my hands warm the old-fashioned way—by applauding all the political rhetoric coming out of Washington DC.

I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write...

Not another word, not another thought, not another sniffle. If you need to pass gas, I pray you’ll clench your backside and keep walking until we are certainly alone.

The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to...

Molly: So how do you think of Bryce Hamilton crowd so far? Boys hot enough for you?Bethany: I wouldn’t say hot. Most of them seem to have a normal body temperature.

It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all...

Take any two-year-old through a car wash and their skulls are blown. FLAPS! FOAM! ROLLING THINGS! It’s the closest they’ll ever get to being inside a working spaceship.

Number eight of the ten Amazon commandments: never fight an opponent face-to-face if you couldn’t defeat him. Wait and stab him in the back later.

Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.

During those hours, I had zero social awareness, as I was asleep. All the joggers who waved at me while I was walking can vouch for that.

People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children’s story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great...

It’s about time! It’s supposed to be a ritual, not a marathon.

When two are united as one, I’ll be there. And so will someone else.

A brick could be used to suppress the price of gold. But not for very long, because once the people realize the unrealized potential in undercutting the central bankers, gold will rise and fiat currency...

You’re thinking I’m one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I’m not. I say its a free country...

I realized everyone around me was wearing a uniform. Black pants, white button-down shirts, green ties. Gotta love the smell of institutional equality in the morning.

Taking a deep breath that smelled of rain, she was poised to move when a hand clasped her elbow. Memories of another hand grabbing her sent panic shooting through her veins.She swung around.”Whoa. You okay?”...

You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with...

Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.

A brick could be used to flavor your bathtub water, and raise the fluid level, so you perceive that you have more to drink.

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

Suicide is selfish. Don’t take your own life—take someone else’s.

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I’d say our afternoon just got booked solid!

He had heard about talking to plants in the early seventies, on Radio Four, and thought it was an excellent idea. Although talking is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did...

I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos and goodbyes just to get by.

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . ....

I’m Crusty,” he said, with a tartar-yellow smile.I resisted the urge to say, Yes, you are.