Lecture’s over.

If science took my IQ and spread it evenly among the world’s population, like mental mayonnaise, we’d have more art, less war, and higher cholesterol.

Our opponent is an alien starship packed with atomic bombs,” I said. “We have a protractor.

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business.Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape...

Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least.

Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

If you absolutely had to have sex with one of the Three Stooges, who would it be?

Credit Repair Companies feed off your frustrations, and your funds!!! – The Credit Repair Book: The Credit Repair Company’s Secret Weapon.

All right,” Clara said. “We have our swordsman, so let’s get moving. Brigan, could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying...

She meant to write: “Is Christy here yet?”Auto Correct turned it into: “Is crazy here yet?”For once Auto Correct got it right.

Hapi?” I asked.”Why, yes, I am happy!” Hapi beamed. “I’m always happy because I’m Hapi! Are you happy?”Zia frowned up at the giant. “Does he have to be so big?”The god laughed. Immediately he shrank...

We made love like I made breakfast—a breakfast for one. Still, when I eat alone is when I have the best conversations.

Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes.

Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.

transformed” her into a cheerleader by the end of the show. I was just wondering: what if she liked field hockey better?

Siempre he soñado con besar a la mujer amada a la luz de la luna -prosigió él con la imbecilidad astronómica propia de tantos enamorados

Mrs. Potts beady black eyes narrowed,”Do you know how many glass slippers I have to stitch when I get home? There’s a Mad Hatter serenading a toaster as we speak. There could be mayhem wreaking...

I walk like a guitar being strummed, and I love like cheese being forced through a grater. I like my nachos covered in melted music.

Carpe Diem, just remember that we’re partying on the Titanic.

I am an uncle, though this is not a new feeling for me, as I’ve been one before. I’ve also been 2 through 32, and I turn 33 in March.

What kind of husband would I be if I bet against my own marriage?’I smiled. ‘The stupid kind. Didn’t you listen to your dad when he told you not to bet against me?

Edwin, you’re turning this infirmary into a speakeasy.

And it’s Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke…

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place.

A rich person is just a poor person with a crown and elaborate clothing, and a poor person is just a rich person with a crownless head and ragged clothing.

My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special.

flag” in camouflage, though you couldn’t see by looking at it. (I hide behind my patriotism, and I hide my patriotism among red, white, and blue foliage.)

Stacey: “I’m surprised you haven’t thrown me out.”Comfort: “At your current weight, I’d need some sort of catapult.

Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely,” said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. “But I must say, Ginevra’s dress is far too low-cut.”Ginny glanced round, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly...

A clear conscience is due to a poor memory.

Eisenhower and Patton, old friends and figures crucial to the Allies’ upcoming success, conferred over yet another gaffe on Patton’s part that could have cost him his command. Patton’s head is on Ike’s shoulder in...

Sometimes… the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person… is batshit crazy.

I told you I didn’t want to go. Of course, I really did want to go, but I just said I didn’t want to go so you’d beg me to go and I could feel...

I asked “What do you even do with a chimera?””What wouldn’t you do with a chimera?” Jeff asked. “They’re like the Swiss Army knife of animals.

Prideful fool. It hurt his feelings that he couldn’t make my crazy go away. You know how men are. Always trying to fix things can’t be fixed.

If you took everything I’d ever found hot in a girl and piled them into a corner, you’d get Cricket Hunt standing in a corner.

Don’t mind her. She keeps her nose so high in the air, she’s liable to drown in a good rainstorm.

I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.

My kids are starting to notice I’m a little different from the other dads. “Why don’t you have a straight job like everyone else?” they asked me the other day. I told them this story:...

When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!

Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want it full, and I want it clean.

I wish kids at school would quit calling me a porno dork-face, though. There wasn’t any sex involved! I got knocked out, I panicked and called the cops. Okay, somewhere along the line everybody’s clothes...

Es gibt keinen Gott und Dirac ist sein Prophet. (There is no God and Dirac is his Prophet.){A remark made during the Fifth Solvay International Conference (October 1927), after a discussion of the religious views...

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

Self-loathing is man’s effort to sweep the moon of footprints.

Everyone is a little crazy. The only difference between us and them is that they hide it better.

My philosophy on life: On a burrito, the cheese goes underneath the sour cream. Otherwise, how will it melt?