Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.

Sometimes the only answer to death is lunch.

Cats are like mushrooms, only you’ll rarely ever hear me scream, “Get off my pizza!” to a pack of mushrooms.

I Twitter (or Facebook) therefore I am

Ish #109 “If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You’ll get there quicker.

Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know… size” -Tuck

If I were you,And you were I,I would kill myself, But you would die!

The Book of Us. I’m writing it. And you’re in it.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

I can do a week in a weekend. That’s not how efficient I am, that’s how little I work.

If you’re stressing over happiness, you’re doing it wrong!

Taste the rainbow bitch.

Deep down, Story Easton knew what would happen if she attempted to off herself—she would fail It was a matter of probability. This was not a new thing, failure. She was, had always been, a...

I wrote half this book (the left half) while I was asleep, and I wrote the other half (the top half) while daydreaming. So here we have a case where two halves equal one quarter,...

Perhaps the difference between a professor and a bus driver is that the professor can say stupid things with complete authority while the bus driver is not authorized to make brilliant insights.

But I’m really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.

but will you stay with me one more night? I’m not quite ready to let this go.

Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.

There is in every village a torch- the schoolteacher; and an extinguisher: the priest.

Alexia figured, delightedly, that this meant he did, in fact, tend to traipse around his private apartments in the altogether. Marriage was becoming more and more of an attractive prospect.

I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in their lungs.

Sandwiches,’ she said, ‘like diamonds, are forever.

I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that “new car smell” all the time.

My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office...

The words, I love you, are empty without clarification. Women prefer to be told what they can expect. It is measurable like a Weight Watcher’s diet, with extra points at the end of the week...

[C]hildren were a much more difficult audience than adults because no on had yet had a chance to teach them that it was better to be polite than honest.

Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

People are filing for divorce left and right. Now they’re using those lefts and rights to masturbate.

They can kill the Kennedys. Why can’t they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?

Love is meant to be felt, like a cat. I’m meowing for your affection.

I want a coffee machine that runs on gasoline and drives me to work. We can make love in the backseat, next to the cream and sugar.

I love you more, dumb ass.

I like her just the way she is, Bran.” And he meant it, greasy overalls, broken fingernails, and all.

I wonder how Admat can be everywhere. Is he in my sandal? Or is he my sandal itself? Why would a god bother to be a sandal? Does he wear shoes or sandals himself, invisible...

I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That’s because it was a book on love that I read while making love. I multitask...

Calico KittyMy calico kittywas painted and primedshe could prowlthe night away ~without spending a dime…

A cat’s meow can be a scream, a laugh, a sigh, a hello, a yes, and even an I love you.

People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, ‘How do you think I got the job?

Am I on your walk of shame? You did sleep with the right MacGregor, didn’t you?

Let me be clear: I don’t want to make love to a mannequin—I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.

If your house was burning, what would you grab? I’d grab my penis. Repeatedly.

Maybe love is something we’re meant to say casually and not regard as a prize from a treasure chest that a person earns.

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.

I want to be a part of your world. Or, if that’s too much to ask, I’d accept being a part of your globe.

No one likes a person that “should of” all over the place.

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

I’m so not interesting in having to try and make something out of foil.”What, you didn’t like the poncho with wraparound leggings?”It was beyond hideou- wait a minute. You watch that show?”My mom loves it.”But...

Conventional wisdom holds that water is liquid at room temperature. Well, not if that room’s temperature is 32 degrees. That also happens to be the optimal storage temperature for all the love I have for...