My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

Just know I amNot there to catch youBut I am there for you

Perché piangono gli uomini? Per colpa delle lotte e delle gesta e della maratona delle promozioni, perché vogliono la mamma, perché restano ciechi anche col passar del tempo, per colpa di tutte le erezioni che...

If I could make one wish, I wouldn’t ask for world peace. I’d wish for a real zombie apocalypse. I’ll take Romero zombies any day over this counterfeit harmony bullshit.

Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

O honorable strumpet

A brick could be used as a stand in for a liar’s face. Go on, punch that liar in his face.

I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

Dear people of the world: If any of you have exceeded my expectations, it’s because I expect nothing from nobody.

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

(Can human beings change? The humor, and the sadness, of remarriage comedies can be said to result from the fact that we have no good answer to that question.)

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

I’m a competitor. I once placed fifth in a bottle of whiskey.

Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.

I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn’t to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, “I’m going to shit my pants any second!”But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. “I’m...

Can you ever really say you know anybody—your clone included? Still, if my clone’s birthday were coming up, I’d only shop Buy One Get One Free deals.

Don’t do it. Please. I know this book looks delicious with its light-weight pages sliced thin a prosciutto and swiss stacked in a way that would make Dagwood salivate. The scent of freshly baked words...

He’s getting older,” Charles said darkly. “Shall I hit him with my walker or my oxygen tank?

One very important key to maintaining our daily sanity is a simple scheduling tactic I call Putting Things the Hell Off.

As a rule,I believe people shouldn’t follow rules;rules should follow people.

It’s symbolic.

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you any indication of my character.

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I’m the person going in to be slaughtered, this is...

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like,...

For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

If by ‘about’ you mean ‘in a circle around,’ then yes, we’re doing something about the problem.

Two hearts that beat as one, and they’re both mine. I’ve got them hooked up to a synchometer.

I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept–similar to Kerrick. It must be a survival tactic. If Allyn hadn’t looked so sweet, we would have killed him while...

It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is...

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.

The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.

You there is such a thing as a door,” I whispered. “You should try it some time.

The trouble with facial recognition software is that you get mistaken for every other person who doesn’t have a face.

if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it’s a leg, of course.

Do you think Bubbles wants Chinese food because it’s made out of cats?” Genevieve questioned, shoveling a big bite into her mouth.”Genevieve, that’s just gross and wrong. Don’t say things like that. Bubbles is a...

I have something I need to tell you,” he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. “I might be in love with you.” He smiles a...

I’m for a big government. A big government contraction.

I want to move to a ghost town and try to sell the population bodies to dwell in.

No I’m not.

Well, a lady isn’t exactly what they are expecting.

She makes my heart flutter, like a butterfly with the wings of an eagle.

contemporary poetry is a kind of Reykjavik, a place where accessibility and intelligence have been fighting a Cold War by proxy for the last half-century.

He’d been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.

I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.

I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?