‘Didn’t realize Matty was so scary,’ Chris said. ‘She’s maybe five two and can’t make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison...

I had a dream about you. I invented and sold shoes that left no footprints, and you were thinking about committing a murder in a muddy area. I said that committing a murder was a...

Mia,’ she whispered. I turned around. ‘What?’ I whispered back.She smiled at me a little. ‘LEEERRROOOY JEEENNKKIINNNSS!’ she shouted, then spun around and ran toward the Z’s in the lighting section.

I never meant it,” he was saying. “Never meant it to happen. Can’t stand it,seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something… What do I do? What can I do…?

I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.

Lazy people, the truly lazy people live on information, strategies, ideas, plans and many other criticals, simply to spend one hour of hard work and make the rest feel like a breeze.

Do you think he’s the murderer?””It’s worse than that — he’s an actor!

I had a dream about you. I ran a marathon like a mannequin stands still, and you stood still like Roger Bannister runs errands.

Phrase the question any way you like…The answer will still be ‘Kiss my ass.

Don’t read it. Just shred and burn, or your eyes will melt.

There’s major depression, and then there’s clinical depression. Major depression is what makes you jump off a bridge. I have clinical depression. I jump out of first story windows. It’s the psychological equivalent of lying...

People are trying to kill people. Well, those people need to die.

The one undeniable benefit of having spent some time in the closet is that it nurtures a talent that you can fall back on any time: lying convincingly. Sometimes I worried that queer kids in...

Pain, Rhuan decided, did not simply hurt. Pain also exhausted a person, sapped his soul, thinned his spirit. Worse, pain was tedious.

It has been found that reading love quotes is beneficial to your health. It has been found by me, and I found it under my bed.

It’s not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It’s that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse’s office because once again they glued their...

She held up the pen and gave him a lazy grin. “It’s a rose.”He came close. “It’s a pen.” He tried to pluck it from her hand.”You are seriously lacking in imagination.

If you need me I’ll be napping in the supplies closet. The most important part of an attack is the planning.

My name is MooMoo Cowlishaw, and I’m as vapid as vapor. Gaze at me grazing.

Mr. Satterthwaite looked cheered. Suddenly an idea struck him. His jaw fell. “My goodness,” he cried, “I’ve only just realized it! That rascal, with his poisoned cocktail! Anyone might have drunk it! It might have...

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the...

I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won’t remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.

You can give me detention. Oh, wait, that’s right…you aren’t the boss of me. So I guess you can just bite me. -Dean

…,dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you’re lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. Chapter I.

If God had wanted men to swim, he would have taught fish to fish. But fish don’t fish, and neither do I, but it’s also the reason I don’t swim.

Embroidery?” I sucked at embroidery. Aunt Hyacinth had tried to teach me, but we’d both given it up as a lost cause.Lucy, strangely, had picked it up really quickly and embroidered a tapestry of Johnny...

Just because he’s a spider doesn’t mean he deserves any less concern!

True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty.

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

This coming from the god who zinged Guinevere and Lancelot while King Arthur was away slaying dragons.

I’d sip your tears with a straw while you sleep, because I’m thirsty for your love. And the more I’d drink, the thirstier I’d become. Your love is oceanic.

I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you, and that means shoveling. And I hate shoveling almost as much as I...

Well, that explains why he’s so hard to impress,” said Xavier flippantly

He opened the first letter, No “Dear Mr. Woods.” It was a page full of profanities. There was something oddly refreshing about honest, to-the-point hate mail. No hypocrisy and forced politeness. Too many letters ripped...

The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.

So why did you want to kiss me?””We’re friends aren’t we?” Callum shrugged.I relaxed into a smile. “Of course we are.””And if you can’t kiss your friends who can you kiss?” Callum smiled.

…Don’t be surprised, and I say it darkly, do not be surprised if you lose your Luke in this cause; perhaps Mrs. Dudley has not yet had her own mid morning snack, and she is...

Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.”Is there any tea on this spaceship?” he asked.

Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.

We assassinate. We don’t accessorize. But I understand how it is possible to confuse the two.

You hunt and catch your own food. Am I correct?””We are fierce predators of the night,” DeChevue said proudly.Edwin tried again, “You hunt and gather your own food?”DeChevue still didn’t get it. “Yes, M’sieur. We...

I had a dream about a poem once… that’s all, I can’t tell you about it because I had to sign an NDA.

I suffer a loss and people console me. Royce suffers a loss and whole towns evacuate.

This supreme instance of Troy’s goodness fell upon Gabriel’s ears like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock.

It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see…””You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?””No,” said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having...

Math Superstar” program. After each assignment, stars of various colors signifying degrees of excellence were stuck on all the papers handed in. Like the Olympics, gold was the highest honor. Wendy, the girl who sat...

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

It’s true that journalism in reality is not the journalism that we learnt in the university. It is far from it.

I’ll steal the letter X, and replace it with treasure. So sex would then be spelled setreasure, but it’d still be just as pleasurable.