It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and I’m just now putting on clothes. The life of a writer is as free as the pizza I just had delivered is not.

Bhutan does seem a bit unreal at times. Hardly anybody in the U.S. knows where it is. I have friends who still think the entire country is a figment of my imagination. When I was...

I don’t see the point in caffeine without coffee. Or coffee without caffeine, for that matter,” I informed him.

I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In this way, billions would die so that billions could live.

A shadow is midnight’s whisper, I thought as I shouted at my invisible clone. Killing your own clone is the only time you could commit murder and suicide at the same time by killing just...

As special as it is to listen to your friends argue over whether or not you have a mental illness,I’m starting to get the urge to go back to class.

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I’ve got a great word and it’s on a “Double word score” box! Hobbes: “ZQFMGB” isn’t a word! It doesn’t even have a vowel! Calvin: It is...

Am I the only guy that holds a flute of champagne like it’s a musical instrument?

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world’s lamest Ghostbuster. I ain’t afraid of no leaves.

Or just one with a boner.

Wrong Way,” and I thought, I agree. So I turned around and went home.

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh.

That could be a very sexy story.

Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren’t you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff!Calvin:All I’ve got to say is they’re not making me...

I want to write a song based on my own childbirth. Of course, this is all a bit premature.

…well just call me Hannibal Lecter. With cleavage.

I had this vision of the two of us holding hands or getting into some light petting behind shower curtains or up in the fencing aisle or some shit.

A preacher’s job is preaching. So how come he gets to work on the day of rest?

I use one word to ward off love: No. She used no words to ward of love. Seriously, she tells me nothing, and in this way she tells me she doesn’t love me.

Oh! to shoot for the stars if feels right. Aim for my heart if it feels right.

I hate working with sexy women.” Dimitri Pissec.

Having an affair with your good friend’s wife while he’s in an institution and your wife is in a hospital ranks somewhere between Benedict Arnold and the guy who invented Girls Gone Wild on the...

Likest thou jelly within thy doughnut?

To the stupidity of men, ” Dakota said, raising a glass. “And my brother, who is their king.

My face is pizza-shaped, and my acne in high school was like pepperoni. Thank God it was carry out and not delivery.

I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

Hey, dude, it’s me. I brought you all four Bloodsport movies. Open up!” Jason’s voice filtered past the front door, and he and Violet flew apart like teenagers at a party raid. No way. This...

Doctor, if being a bitch is healthy, then I am the healthiest damn woman on the face of the earth

I had a dream I took the form of Chuck Norris and kicked your ass. Then I impregnated you from across the room.

Of course. My second-favorite thing to do in bed.

Did you know that man had the nerve to lasso me while I was out in the woods?

Love is like the moment you’re about to win at chess, and then you realize you’re the other color and you’re actually about to lose.

They hammered on the outer gate and called, but there was at first no answer; and then to their surprise someone blew a horn, and the lights in the windows went out. A voice shouted...

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.

No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.

I’ll never forget my time with her. The two of us made love like three lawn chairs—the kind that fold up.

Sure, I liked girls but I was always too terrified to speak to them unless we were arguing or I was calling them stupidos, which was one of my favorite words that year.

Is Lisa going to the prom?’I shelved my worries for the moment. ‘I don’t know, Mom. We don’t talk about the You-Know-What. We made a pact.’You could go together, if you didn’t want to mess...

Cottage cheese, broken down into its simplest form, is milk that has been curdled to mimic the cellulite its consumption is meant to banish.

A smile is like a simile, if you have a mouth like a metaphor. That would make for like the best kiss ever.

Dignity is overrated. You know what trumps dignity? Kissing.

It wasn’t necessarily that I wasn’t a fan of fairies. Really. It wasn’t that. It was that I wasn’t a fan of being taken hostage by a group of fairies.

A vibrating toothbrush is one hygienic marvel of a sex toy. The next time I want to make love, I’ll make a dentist appointment.

I swear to God, if GreatReads doesn’t stop sending me these notification emails…how many times do I have to turn them off?

Here’s the thing – in this damned century, you’ll meet a lot of people who do a lot of things. What’s funny is the fact that the most desirable attributes of these people are nothing...

I keep my valuable things locked up. Everybody does. Therefore, criminals must be valuable.

Love waits patiently. In the lobby. I’ll be with you as soon as I can.

I had no desire to hear another woman tell my boyfriend how hot he was. If I wanted him to know, I’d damn well tell him myself.

Europe has achieved peaceful political union for the first time ever: They’re using this unprecedented state of affairs to harmonize the curvature of bananas.

Don’t scream out my name in bed. Scream out random fractions instead.