Look at the stupid, poor people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people. Look at the stupid, poor, burned-out people, look at their dead baby. It’s death porn for the masses.

Is this the baby?” I said.Ma turned on me again.”What do you think it is?” she said. “A midget that can’t talk?

A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to give it out to the masses and say soothing things with a straight...

Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to...

a little inflammation” apparently qualifies as sound diagnosis.

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was...

Is it easier to get you to do what I want with a fist to your face, or a gentle pat on the back and a handshake? Let this be a lesson in power.

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

The world requires me to re-write its wretched dialogue!

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

I had a dream about you. You were my main competition for the 2014 Rocking Chair Race Championship Series. It’s the most movement you can make without actually moving anywhere. I won that race—and I...

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?

Grandma frowned and yelled something in Russian. She could have been saying, ‘Open up, your best friend is here.’ On the other hand, it could have been, ‘America is a great country because of canned...

I can still kick your pony-lovin’ butt with twice this much pain.”Thomas shrugged, “I do love ponies. Wish I could eat one right now.

Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare,...

Doubtful, but it did work…”Annabeth?” Percy said again. “You’re planning something. You’ve got that I’m-planning-something look.””I don’t have an I’m-planning-something look.””Yeah, you totally do. Your eyebrows knit and your lips press together and —“”Do you...

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

The human race can be roughly divided into two categories: ailurophiles and ailurophobes – cat lovers and the underprivileged.

Obsessing over a boy makes the time fly.

It was not very long afterwards that Michael woke up one morning with a curious feeling inside him. He knew, the moment he opened his eyes, that something was wrong but he was not quite...

I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.

I say, thirteen is too many dogs for good mental health. Five is pretty much the limit. More than five dogs and you forfeit your right to call yourself entirely sane.Even if the dogs are...

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

Some days I tell myself that my mission is to say something about the art and sometimes the bliss of limitation. And the legibility of landscape. Other days are more dismal. As if I were...

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

I would have stolen it for you, had I known you were interested.” His voice was muffled by the door to the lumber room down the hallway, and I heard thumps and a crash.I raised...

She always looks like she’s about to break into laughter. He always looks like he’s about to break into her house. I don’t care what he takes, so long as it’s me who steals her...

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

…it was another year or two before I discovered that drat and draft were different words. During that same period I remember believing that details were dentals and that a bitch was an extremely tall...

Death doesn’t care about personalities – he’s more interested in meeting quotas.

There’s a traffic jam in the stream. I’d better go fish up a solution. Too bad I left my tackle box at the football stadium, along with all the other worms.

What if I shave?” he said. “I look much better when I’m shaved. My cousin will vouch for that—do I not look almost handsome when I shave, Edward? ” He didn’t wait for the duke’s...

I won’t do it if you’d enjoy it.

Love rocks. Stones also rock. I wish I could scissors paper my way into your heart.

Choose old people for enemies. They die. You win.

i find nothing more depressing than optimism.

Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish and state.

What are you going to do? “Can’t say – run for president, write -” “Greenwich Village?” “Good heavens, no – I said write – not drink.

That guy doesn’t try hard enough, Steve,” he said. I felt weirdly ashamed when he said that. So much so that I went into his room and urinated on his bed.

Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

There was a certain amount of initial argumentation about the “meaning” of the balloon; this subsided, because we have learned not to insist on meanings, and they are rarely even looked for now, except in...

Both were military. That was clear.Reacher could tell by their haircuts. No civilian barber would be as pragmatic or as brutal.

I was told very sternly at the hospital to avoid boys at all costs. Mess up your levels.””Oh, they do that!” Amy laughs. “Probably best to leave them alone for a while. The secret, though,...

I was born a baby, and it took me a long time to be man enough to acknowledge that that was a mistake.

As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers. And rapists, but I’ve already listed that three times.

Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?

And if you say that’s because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I’m disowning all three of you.