Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off”- Cruz

Do we secretly idolize our imagined opposites, yearning to become the role models for others we know we could never be for ourselves?

I had a dream about you. You owned a farm, and you grew teamwork, because yours was an ant farm. I was a coach looking to recruit some new fruit, but I decided to give...

Harris, as he occasionally explains to George and to myself, has daughters of his own, or, to speak more correctly, a daughter, who as the years progress will no doubt cease practising catherine wheels in...

Paying attention is more important to reliability than moving slowly. Because he pays close attention, a Navy pilot can land a 40,000 lb. aircraft at 140 miles per hour on a pitching carrier deck, at...

When you’re the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

Love is talking to one woman, but thinking about another woman. Now that’s commitment.

If someone said ‘diametrically,’ could ‘opposed’ be far behind?

I had a dream about you. The stars in the constellations lined up, the portals between the heavens were opened, and you were looking for a blood sacrifice to make the trip. And I was...

Well, really, how would you like to make love with someone who kept twittering about his pure mystic modality and wanted to stick flowers in your navel?

Shakespeare used the word ‘flush’ to indicate plenty of money. Well, just remember there was only one Shakespeare, and he was the only one that had a right to use that word in that sense...

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

Nothing is certain but death and taxidermy.

When they reached the stairs, he didn’t make her climb them herself. He picked her up in his arms and carried her to the big bathroom off their bedroom. He didn’t speak, his expression didn’t...

I had a dream about you. We were almost omniscient, seeing all the problems in this world. We noticed the scratch on my bumper, the ding in my passenger-side door, and the bloodstains in the...

We weren’t really friends yet, just knowers of each other’s secret stuff.

Maybe I should, I don’t know leave? Because this is starting to sound like one of those reality shows I don’t want to be in. Maybe you guys want to take turns in the confessional...

You need your beauty sleep for tomorrow”she tells us “don’t stay up too late talking”We ignore her of course.The whole point of a sleepover is to stay up too late talking.

I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and 3% orange juice, for a chaser. That formula is accurate, give or take...

I hope your only rocky road is chocolate.

You don’t fuck with fate, Oz, because she’ll ass-rape you with no lube, wearing a spiked dildo.

I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?

Every time we start thinking we’re the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, ‘I’m sorry. What’d you say your name was again?

Okay, no, I’m not, but right now let’s pretend I am.

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.

I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people’s...

Jenks enthusiastically leaned against the counter and opened the box. Bypassing the plastic knife, he broke off about a third of it and took a huge bite. Ivy watched, appalled, and I shrugged. His mouth...

Helen Kelleresque.

And I, Nephi, took one of the daughters of Ishmael to wife.’ Well Mr. Go-And-Do just went and did!

Earth is sad, Moon is shy, Sun is happy but wait a moment, I just forgot to tell you that I am the child of open sky.

A blanket could be used like a giant piece of paper. Most people just want to cum on it, but occasionally someone will want to splash ink on it and try to impregnate the minds...

I want to wow you with my loudness. I wish I could turn down your job offer, because it’s hurting my ears.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

Now then, Mr. Crab,” said the zebra, “here are the people I told you about; and they know more than you do, who live in a pool, and more than I do, who live in...

Collecting gold and silver is like collecting your freedom, one ounce at a time.

Nor the last…

One hot yellow Hummer with optional mass destruction package, coming up.

What’s your name?””Emma Gould,” she said. “What’s yours?””Wanted.””By all the girls or just the law?

The very thing keeping me alive is also killing me—love. No wonder the rose symbolizes both love and death. They should have a deal where if you buy a dozen roses you get a free...

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

He still wasn’t looking at me, which meant I was still in trouble. I swear, sometimes this partnership is like being married. We fight all the time and neither one of us is getting married.

I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard by Helen Keller.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. […] I’d seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it...

Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce.”She waved her hand. “Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money.” She wrote away.”I should make you negotiate with Phoebe.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

I know what is wrong, I know what is right, and most importantly, I know what is left. Nothing is left, now that she left and took all her love.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

That’s how I want to go. Taking my own way out and totally pissing everybody off at the end.

My wife loves window shopping. As for me, I’m more into curtains.