I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don’t have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth — pointless and extremely painful.”–David Palmer

Robots don’t make better lovers, but Roberts do.

Power exercised under the cloak of national security is odious. But power exercised under the microkini of national security is totally hot.

If my name were Oscar, I’d want to be an actor and win my namesake award and take back my identity.

My name is Markowski. I carry a badge. Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.I was never a Boy Scout but “Be...

Will smirked, clearly pleased at the effect he was having. “I’ve no idea. I lost consciousness about then. I was having a lovely dream about a young woman who had mislaid all her clothes…

Also not the kind of place to hide a server.””Is that another pun?” She asked.”No! I swear! I didn’t mean that one.”~Shell Game, Kingdom Keepers #5

Your kids pissing you off is an inborn instinct. It’s nature’s way of getting you to kick them out when they turn 18!Okaaay. ~sigh~ Due to the times, you can kick them out between the...

Secret 4.1. Whatever makes a nail go in is a hammer.

When you’re corked…you’re corked!

My facial features smell as rugged as a rose looks. Isn’t my nose the most romantically smelling thing?

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

You might want to put some clothes on’ suggested Jace ‘I’m all for the bra and panties look, but you don’t want the Silent Brothers to die of excitement

Cats can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to what anyone says or does. Rather like Princesses.

Any conversation including the mention of Roald Dahl, Ray Bradbury, or Emily Dickinson is one worth getting into or at least eavesdropping.

Here’s a creepy web trick: do a Google image search on ‘my grandma.’ … It’s her, isn’t it?

Clones: Why should you take the blame for your mistakes when there’s a genetic replica of yourself that’d make a perfectly good scapegoat?

Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.

Of course, you didn’t want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

Parker fixated on the envelope’s precise penmanship as she lifted it. Her grandmother rarely took the time to write her own name in the return address, let alone give it the aesthetic attention that this...

Ignorance is bliss, except when it hurts

My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?

I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder.

It’s me and you, or me and knitting. Don’t make me choose. Ugh, #love.

As chemists, we must rename [our] scheme and insert the symbols Ba, La, Ce in place of Ra, Ac, Th. As nuclear chemists closely associated with physics, we cannot yet convince ourselves to make this...

As a little girl I always expected that one day adventure would happen to me—someday a tornado would whisk me away to Oz, or I’d fall down a rabbit hole, or David Bowie would kidnap...

No one believes a liar. Even when she’s telling the truth.

I am the Fruit Basket of Love. You should do a painting of how I feel.

Not again, Draper,” Frank sighed. “You’re not going to stop us from crossing. You and I know that the one thing the Government does even more poorly than provide healthcare is secure its borders.

I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?

Ms. Wrack’s mother, Mrs. Wrack, had been a mermaid: a proper one who lived on a rock and combed her hair and sang. But sailors had never been lured to their doom by her, partly...

I can chase you, and I can catch you,but there is nothing I can do to make you mine.

Hookers, Hondas and Hollywood all approach customers with a different mindset than the rest of the business world. Whereas most businesses talk about the importance of “customer service,” agents, mechanics and people of the night...

In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn’t...

So crosses don’t do anything against your kind?” Sean asked.”No,” Arland said. “There is no mystical force repelling us.””Then why?””We’re forbidden to kill a creature in a moment of prayer or invocation of their deity....

Secret 5.56.45. The scar confirms the beauty, the beauty the scar.

I’d rather count to one billion, than waste my time thinking I could count on you.

The story so far:In the beginning the Universe was created.This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Can you squeeze me into an empty page of your diary and psychologically save me?

The others would then fall silent and she would continue about doped gallium arsenide detectors, or the ethanol content of the galactic cloud W-3. The quantity of 200-proof alcohol in this single interstellar cloud was...

A number of people who I’ve talked to about this assume that I got into a fight with the cops. (Because of, y’know, the militant politics.) I actually had an audience member come up to...

I had a dream about you. I had superhuman strength, not unlike I possess when I’m awake, and you wanted me to enter and win the World’s Strongest Man competition. I told you my super...

Le 99%, c’est moi.

Drinks heavily loaded with ice are reasonably effective, but the best way to cool down is to cuddle with a recently deceased person.

Dealing with jackasses on every front today. Good thing I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA. (Charlie Sheen Reference)

When you sleepI will creepInto your thoughtsLike a bad debtThat you can’t payTake the easy wayand give in!

Key Rabbit, allow me to bore you with a comparison of your wife and a beautiful woman,” I said. “In the morning a beauty must lie in bed for three or four hours gathering strength...

So confusing. It was some kind of magic, I knew that for sure, but I didn’t understand the subtleties of it all. You’d have thought all those years of HBO and shit would have prepared...

But the aspect of secrets is they leak out. If they didn’t leak, they wouldn’t be interesting.

You only need one part of your body, and you’ll be sliding that into warmth.