I’m not sure. I’ve never had to fight a bear before.

Female Mercenary. This will be a companion on your Tour. She is usually tall, thin and wiry, silent, and neurotic. Sex scares her. This is because she either came from a nunnery or was raped...

When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?

I’m tired of being scared, and I know you are too. Not that there isn’t alot to be scared of in this world today, between the non-stop headlines about wars and nuclear power plants and...

I don’t eat breakfast, but I do drink it. Coffee, it’s the most important meal of the day.

I’m running from the very person I’m chasing, and this is how I know I’m in love.

Poor animals! How jealously they guard their pathetic bodies…that which to us is merely an evening’s meal, but to them is life itself.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

There were yogurt-colored clouds that afternoon, and I was there, blotting out your sun with a spoon.

I am an artist you know … it is my right to be odd.

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me had asked to see my tobacco-pipe; he examined it carefully, and when he came to the...

Never say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humor. He will always use it in evidence against you.

will be at noon.” I’d better write and mail all my love letters in my mannequin handwriting.

A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a...

Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.

Feelings are like chemicals, the more you analyze them the worse they smell.

Could dump two Chinee down in one of our maria and they would get rich selling rocks to each other while raising twelve kids. Then a Hindu would sell retail stuff he got from them...

I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where...

Old habits die hard. Especially if those old habits involve murder and death.

Compromise is a stalling between two fools.

Here is a lesson in creative writing.First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.And I realize some of you may be...

I have a terrible memory; I never forget a thing.

He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax…

The pistachio: it’s just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that’s when the nuts come out.

Language is the proper way to communicate, followed closely by five balled up fingers forming a fist and flying at a face. Violence is never the answer—unless the question is: What the fuck are you...

There was fried chicken in the litter box, so I helped myself and took a shit. I am a cat lover and a fan of KFC. I always take mine to go.

I’m not a psychopath, I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

Nature has no originality–I mean, no large ability in the matter of inventing new things, new ideas, new stage effects. She has a superb and amazing and infinitely varied equipment of old ones, but she...

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

I have a penis like a fire hose, and I’m here to put out the flames of desire.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

I like to think of this little [newspaper] column as a brassière, or do I mean brasserie? Brazier, possibly. All three! A column that lifts, separates, supports, serves excellent cappuccino and crackles merrily with sweet-smelling...

A deaf and dumb in the mist of morons is a renowed talkative among brains.

Love is like a beautiful summer day in the middle of winter. I’ve got shorts on, so it seems like a good time to invade Russia.

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

Miss Morland, no one can think more highly of the understanding of women than I do. In my opinion, nature has given them so much that they never find it necessary to use more than...

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

On the porch were the still-smoking remains of long-stemmed roses, evidence that someone angry and passive-aggressive didn’t know Peter was out of town.

I didn’t like his tone. In fact I didn’t like boys’ tone when they knew they were hot and tried to be rude to girls because they knew they were hot.

The ability to gauge intelligence is itself a form of intelligence. Monkeys don’t ponder how smart monkeys are. Ditto for politicians.

She lived on the moon and was quite unattainable. I suppose he must’ve starved or pined away or fallen off the wall at some point.

When you carry a gun, everything starts looking like a sword. If you pass the butter too quickly, I’m likely to shoot you. But even if you attack me, we can still be lovers.

Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.

…O-suzu left whatever work she was doing at her sewing machine and dragged Takeo back to O-yoshi and her son.How dare you behave so selfishly! Now tell O-yoshi-san that you are sorry. Get down on...

Wherefore, I beseech you let the dog and the onions and these people of the strange and godless names work out their several salvations from their piteous and wonderful difficulties without help of mine, for...

Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician’s pants.

Definition of rock journalism: People who can’t write, doing interviews with people who can’t think, in order to prepare articles for people who can’t read.

When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

Tell me the story,” said Fenchurch firmly. “You arrived at the station.””I was about twenty minutes early. I’d got the time of the train wrong.” “Get on with it.” Fenchurch laughed.”So I bought a newspaper,...