Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.

We can beat our swords into plowshares, and we can beat our plowshares into swords, but as far as computers go, a hammer can only change the shape of the junk, not it’s function.

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can, politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot. Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,looks strangely a bit like the...

Drunken men give some of the best pep talks.

Am besten cremst du sie schon hier ein”, sagte ich.”Im Freibad ist sie immer sofort im Sand und wenn sie dabei noch fettig ist, hast du ein paniertes Kind.”Er nickte. Und seufzte tief.

You’re sad? I’ll cheer you up. You’re upset? I’d love to listen. All you have to do is come to me, you know I’ll be there for you.

He who laughs last … just didn’t get the joke.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

I don’t get Columbus Day… I mean he gets a holiday for getting lost. This is true… he was trying to find a spice route to India and ended up in the Caribbean…All he had...

I never feel unsafe except for when the majority is on my side.

said “let’s send that fuckin’ Flowers up there. He hasn’t done anything for us lately.””He’s off today,” somebody said.Davenport said, “So what?

I get the feeling humanity would be thrilled to discover life on another planet. So why not rediscover it here and really cherish it.

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

Wann ist man erwachsen?…..Paps meint: Wenn du Dinge tust, obwohl dir deine Eltern dazu geraten haben.Florian behauptet: Endgültig erwachsen bist du erst, wenn alle Pflanzen auf deinem Fensterbrett leben und du keine davon rauchen kannst.

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you’re the one getting slapped with the stick.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

The best protection against identity theft is bad credit

With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.

Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or...

Life before toilet paper was not worth living.

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

The fact that we’re all different is the one thing we all have in common.

There is no such thing as a bad life. That’s what I call an experienced living.

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are...

It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

Pontius Pilate was going to set Jesus free or Barabbas free… he was gonna let the crowd decide. If that took place today, it would be in the form of a reality show

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told…and have a sense of humor doing it.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Brian Williams” This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he’s gone too far. Unfortunately, I can’t put a cover of my...

Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits.

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

One person may look and only see a tree, whereas others may look and see a tree with leaves.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you’re trying to show respect.

Bitches act, loyal react

You say that people are shallow and ignorant until they go out and see the world? Well I, on the other hand, went out and in comparison realized I was in pretty good standing.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Forgiveness” Steroids for the Soul.

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

Flattery does not encourage the perfect flow of love in the vein of your relationship. Be genuine and speak out what you feel for each other without hiding the painful truth.

Somewhere in the crowd was at least one potential friend who’d understand the fundamental value of goofing off.Because if not, how boring would that be?

It was a running joke; everyone was aware of how ridiculous the rumor mill was, and yet they all shamelessly participated in it.

We can’t against human stupidity. Because they are too many and too dangerous.

Angels are good not simply because they see bad as bad, but also because they see bad as corny.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Humility” If you don’t have it, you’re gonna get it.

What is it with slobbery kissers? Are they trying to drown us in spit? I mean, Jesus, swallow every now and then.

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.

Gomst’s mouth framed a ‘no’, but every other muscle in him said ‘yes’. You’d think priests would be better liars, what with their jobs and all.

The word just hangs, until Severin starts the blender and there’s only the sound of crunching and grinding vitamins, the silvery core of nourishment, containing every essential thing but the nourishment itself.” (pg. 82)

Life is an unfinished art, few master it, most just bark.