We can’t all be comedians, some people have to do the laughing.

I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital.

HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don’t do requests.

All great comedians make me laugh, but people make me laugh more.

Comedians, we’re just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

Comedians are not usually actors, but imitations of actors.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

I think there’s a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.

98% of all comedians feel obliged to be funny when interviewed. Less than 2% succeed.

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

Are we not all actors playing parts in another person’s play?

There isn’t a thing I can’t do now that I didn’t do when I was twenty-one…which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That’s a lie, but I might...

This is the funniest book I’ve ever held in my hands. –Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize winning humorist and author says about Radical Sabbatical

I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.

COMEDIAN: […] What is it you do for a living?HECKLER: I mind my own business.COMEDIAN: Self-employed, eh? No really, what do you do?HECKLER: I try not to “do.