You look lousy,’ he said. Jace blinked. ‘Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.”No I mean it. You don’t look good.”This is...

Uh, wait an hour?

I had a dream about you. Aside from you, The Carpenter was also there. I was a cross between a hammer and a nail, and I was looking for a way to build myself up....

Uh, maybe I could just get myself, you know, privately…?” I suggested. I regretted it immediately, and felt my faceflush with warmth. What the hell was I going to do? Ask Lonif he had any...

Hi honey, I’m home! Take your pants off!” Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch container in the sink.

I asked for a small drink, but he didn’t ask me what cup size. What, will a small not fit in a large?

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.

I can count all the lovers I’ve had on one hand…if I’m holding a calculator.

I am a man of action, like a statue of a guy running. In business, when a salesman and a customer race each other, both win.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Bah, Alzheimer’s. Grandma wouldn’t be so forgetful if she didn’t always have dick on her mind.

The party was dry, she was wet, and the sky was in the middle (cloudy, but no rain). Love was in the air, and that’s why I brought an umbrella.

He has fought many battles with us” (Jace) By which you mean one battle” muttered Simon. “Two if you count the one I was a rat

Never more than once.

Love is a lot like bowling, I thought as I drove by a boarded up and abandoned bowling alley. Like the economy, I’ve made a full recovery since we broke up.

But had I accepted the pickle juice, I would be drinking pickle juice right now.

He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebearers, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.

The best way to get America back to work, and reduce our deficit, is hire all the photographers in the country, position them on street corners, and have them take pictures of all the license...

I am very flattered. I have also become a verb as in “I have cumberbatched the UK audience” apparently. Who knows, by the end of the year I might become a swear word too! It’s...

I can’t go on, I’ll go on.

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Selbst wenn der Kahn sinken sollte, ich würde Karsten nicht in den Fluten ersaufen lassen wie Rose, diese selbstsüchtige Schlampe, die noch mehr als genug Platz hatte auf ihrer Scheißtür, oder was auch immer das...

If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun and a pointy mustache, I still couldn’t hit you with a bowling ball....

My favorite flower is the tulip. I’m crazy like Holland about them. I’ll even pay as much as $1,637 for one.

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That’s right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one…just like President Obama wants to do...

I never asked my mother where babies came from but I remember clearly the day she volunteered the information….my mother called me to set the table for dinner. She sat me down in the kitchen,...

I have a meeting with McConnell and Baroja tomorrow at ten A.M. to review some procedures,” he said. Now, that was the J.B. I knew. Never mind the demon attack; procedures needed reviewing.

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It’s called manners.

I’m into extreme sports. Well, just one—cuddling.

A lake is not an ocean. But my love for you is. And it’s drying up as we speak—or, rather, as we don’t speak.

America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.

You don’t have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day.

If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?

I was just teasing,” I say. “I myself don’t like to eat plain butter, but hey, it’s a free world.

Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat.

Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it’s us against the world.

I’m creating a self help show called Self Talk. I’ll insult myself for an hour then open phone lines to a fitness coach & my mother-in-law.

Tell me you love me like you mean it, and tell me while your mouth is full of food.

Late twenties, single, female. Do the math.Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhillfrom there. Biological clocks started ticking like time bombs waiting todetonate, gravity exerted more force on your life...

Regret is good. It proves you have a conscience.

When you’re here, I’m there for you. And when you’re there, I’m here for you.

… We are Nephilim; we fight our own battles.” “That’s not precisely true, is it?” said a velvety voice. It was Magnus Bane, wearing a long and glittering coat, multiple hoops in his ears, and...

You know, drinking milk doesn’t make your boobs get any bigger.

Love, like hefty leftover stew, could be eaten with a spoon—or with some homeless guy I just met. I would offer you some, but we haven’t met yet. And whose fault is that? Oh yeah—yours.

Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

All right people, listen up! If you’ve got a family back home waiting for you or if you just want to save your own skin, turn around and walk away. Also, women! I have no...

Humor is the whole truth.

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.

I’m convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.