What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.

Funny thing about glass. When you broke the shit up, it got pissed and bit back.

It’s important to have your private enjoyments because sometimes that’s all we have.

‘Tell Suzie she’s a lucky cat.’ Have sexier words ever been spoken?

I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.

I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you.

Never buy your kid a Puzzle that you can’t solve!

Enjoy every second—even if at first you only win second. Keep competing until all your competition has died of old age and you are the winner by default.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It’s a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

Shebna scraped the tablet clean and began drawing circles in the soft clay. “Suppose you had six figs and you ate two. How many would–“”Four.” Hezekiah answered before Shebna finished, and the tutor’s thick black...

Always think in circles to get your ideas around

If I were a hermaphrodite, and someone told me to go fuck myself, I’d reply, “Why thank you. I think I will!

Id me didn’t have to be concerned with long-term consequences. He was my instinctive, primitive self, driven by my most primal impulses. I wondered, briefly, if ‘id’ and ‘idiot’ came from the same root.

A troupe learns to play like we all learn to screw, stumbling and jostling until everything’s finally in the right place.

I just designed the world’s most inefficient no. It’s modeled after a downward sloping maybe.

I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno.

Todos los esfuerzos–que no son pocos–hechos por el gobierno, en materia educativa, se diluyen en el mar de porquería de los medios de comunicación monopolizados por la iniciativa privada.

I had a dream about you. You listened quietly as I told my idea for an invention that could dry your hair with in minutes of getting out of the bath. After giving you my...

Too bad my car key won’t start my house. And to answer your unasked question, no you can’t use my toaster like a dual vagina. At least not for the two-for-one price. That price only...

Women never bought Freud’s idea of penis envy: who would want a shotgun when you can have an automatic?

There are two Newman’s laws. The first one is “It is useless to put on your brakes when you’re upside down.” The second is “Just when things look darkest, they go black.

It seems that the four of us just can’t function without a strong, focused woman telling us what to do.

Eventually our whole world, every culture, will explode and we’ll all just be fucking cosmic dust. We’ll all dissipate. We’ll all be nothing and everything. What’s more spiritual than that?

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I’ll be first in line.

I don’t let it color my judgment.

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

Pietrisycamollaviadelrechiotemexity.

I had a dream about you… but I don’t know you…who are you?

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I’d seen. Then I’d lived...

When reality and your dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.

Most creatures run when they sense danger. People grab a six-pack and a folding chair.

No,” said Simon. “I know we’re not much compared to you, but we don’t kill our friends. We try to save them. If Heaven didn’t want it that way, we ought to have been given...

With my sunglasses on, I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them, I’m fat and 60.-Jack Nicholson

Reply when questioned on the safety of the polio vaccine he developed:It is safe, and you can’t get safer than safe.

Razo hopped back up and adopted a posture that said he was completely unruffled, never had been, and in fact was ready to do something manly like lift boulders or swallow live worms.

I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.

Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to...

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

Vote for the man who promises least; he’ll be the least disappointing.

When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.

A friend once told me that the real message Bram Stoker sought to convey in ‘Dracula’ is that a human being needs to live hundreds and hundreds of years to get all his reading done;...

How could you fall in love with a three inch worm?

A guitar is not a baseball bat, despite me being known as the Babe Ruth of music. And if some have called me the Beethoven of coffee, I haven’t heard it because I’m deaf to...

Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was merely trying to spoon-feed you information.

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew — in jeggings.

It was time for tea as it so often was.

Should I take off my helmet before I make love? I’d better not, because my bicycle’s breaks are worn out.

Sure, there is an undeniable pleasure in rooting for a winning team and in being able to look down on opposing fans with equal measures of superiority and disdain. But that’s also the Ruthian drawback...

Funfunfunfunfun!

If the word “committee” were an acronym, the two “T”s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?