I live dangerously, but I love safely. I always buy magnum condoms, because they’re the only ones that’ll fully stretch over my front door’s handle.

Condoms seemed to her inherently wicked. But they were also inherently funny. They were like rubber gloves with only one finger, and every time she saw one she had to be severe with herself or...

I had a dream about you. I was a consumer, and you were a consumed. My grocery list had 10 items on it. Items 1-9 were cat food, and the 10th item was condoms. But...

It seemed to me, watching, that if you were dextrous enough to gift-wrap an independent-minded amphibian, you could just about manage a condom.

Pornography was not meant to be looked at. Pornography was meant to be read—on Braille-embossed condoms.

Nowadays, you can do anything that you want—anal, oral, fisting—but you need to be wearing gloves, condoms, protection.

What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?

I’ve decided I like making love on rainy days. Ever since she asked me to wear a raincoat.

I remembered during puberty, through the anorexic mists of intermittent menstrual cycles, that man, my father, lifting Shirley’s nightdress over her head and asking her in his mocking way to choose what colour condom she...

I need to go to the store and pick up some condoms. But first I need to pick up some women.

… I believe strongly in condoms. They avert babies and disease. They make you seem responsible, not slutty. They make the girl relax too, because you’re taking care of the risky part. Like you’re a...

Jacksonville’s unofficial moniker is “The Latex Capital of the Universe.” But we don’t wear condoms—we wear rubber gloves. We have the safest handshakes in the world.

Use a condom. The world doesn’t need another you.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names.

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there’s nothing sensible you can do with it.

Gloves are condoms for the hands. My bare handshake might impregnate you.

Toothpaste Tuesday—bring in your favorite toothpaste-covered t-shirt and win free condoms. Remember to smile, because life goes on.

Love comes in many sizes, as do rubber nets called condoms. I use those nets to fish for tiny people.

They should make condoms shaped like socks, so I could wear them with sandals and properly express my love for you.

Men who refuse to use condoms do not deserve to be fucked by anyone but other men who refuse to use condoms.

For if in careless summer daysIn groves of Ashtaroth we whored,Repentant now, when winds blow cold,We kneel before our rightful lord;The lord of all, the money-god,Who rules us blood and hand and brain,Who gives the...

I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.