I’ll mark up my services 200%, and then offer them to you at a 50% discount—because I like you so much. That’s the Mother-in-law Discount.

I had a dream about you. The seasons changed, but you did not. You were the same old person you always were, only older. And I was the same old person I always was, only...

Release your love—and then release the prisoners. They’ve been trapped in my testicles all day. I wonder if we can get a family discount if we buy circus tickets in bulk.

The emptiness of your pocket is not a recipe for you to discount the value of your passion!

I’ll give you the mother-in-law discount—200% of the 50% off sales price.

To be happy, count your blessings and discount the lessings.

If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I’d have 50 cents. That’s assuming drag queens are half price.

I’ll sell you one shoe for half off, since it’s half the set. But if you want the second shoe, it’ll cost you twice as much.

Do not compromise on the quality and your customers will not negotiate on the price.

A Toyota is not a toy. At least not a sex toy. However, my driving is both erratic and erotic. Tickets are ten dollars per passenger. Senior citizen discounts not available.

If you bulk order enough sound, you get a discount by volume. The guys in the warehouse know me by the codename Helen Keller.

Air conditioning is indoor winter. Coffee is liquid wakefulness. And my love is like For Sale, only it’s not on sale. I’m afraid there is no discount.

I’m stranded. Come pick me up. I’ll be dressed like a hooker and standing on the corner. There’s a discount if you get here in 30 minutes or less.

Grandma Got Herpes—For A Discount”.

Before you criticize my cardboard-free virtual product, I want you to know you’ve saved a dollar! Check the back of the box for details.

I like sex. Let’s get a group together. You know, for a better discount.

I am Ebenezer Snooze, and I am frugal with my sleep. I buy warm coffee cold, so I can get a discount.

Too bad my car key won’t start my house. And to answer your unasked question, no you can’t use my toaster like a dual vagina. At least not for the two-for-one price. That price only...

I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk discount at the restaurant, but it’s like a group interview. I think the ladies would appreciate my...