I started out of course with Hemingway when I learned how to write. Until I realized Hemingway doesn’t have a sense of humor. He never has anything funny in his stories.

I would pour you a glass of wine, but wouldn’t it be more romantic if you sipped it out of my armpit?

Everytime I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

I once had a dream and then I told my friend he is such a dick his name is Richard.

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

Notice that your judgments of what exists are the same kind of judgments you make about how to live your life. There aren’t two kinds of things we do: judge what exists and decide what...

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing–turn your toes out when you walk—And remember who you are!

Coin a new word and hear it jingle in your pocket with all your other change. My love for you is sofacouchsitsitting, so you’d better buckle up.

She lived on the moon and was quite unattainable. I suppose he must’ve starved or pined away or fallen off the wall at some point.

I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a doctor.

Sometimes I wish I had been born with cat fur, whiskers, and a tail, though I guess I am grateful that at least I was born with my very own litter box.

You should spend more time reading the Good Book and less reading all those novels. What are you going to tell the Lord on Judgement Day when He asks you why you didn’t read your...

I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.

Definition of rock journalism: People who can’t write, doing interviews with people who can’t think, in order to prepare articles for people who can’t read.

A magician who could make the audience’s problems disappear—now that’s someone I’d pay to throw tomatoes at. If I didn’t have any problems, I’d still have a problem, because I’d have nothing to blame my...

I take very few people seriously, and I’m not one of them.

What Grimm fairy tale featured apiarian morphing humans?

Tell me the story,” said Fenchurch firmly. “You arrived at the station.””I was about twenty minutes early. I’d got the time of the train wrong.” “Get on with it.” Fenchurch laughed.”So I bought a newspaper,...

“He loved her…It was noble of him. It was beautiful.”-“It was stupid.

Shit goes out, and dick goes in. This is the way of the prisoner.

Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.

Ethics”, and I said, Sure, I might enjoy a bit of stand-up comedy.

I’m sure you could win with a design that I’d cast off as trash. Such is the curious case of the annual Garbage Festival. Plus, I’m just that good. Or am I that bad?

Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it,...

A Kiss is a terrible name for a piece of chocolate shaped like a water droplet, because kisses are hot and would melt chocolate—even if it is wearing an astronaut suit made out of tinfoil.

Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,’ Shaunee said…

pillow talk” for a reason, because most men fall asleep right after sex, leaving the pillow as the only thing a woman has to talk to.

Do you like to slide?” His voice was eager.Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. “No, Majesty. I’m terrified of heights.””Oh.” His polite tone had returned.”I wish I could enjoy it. This...

I run through all the positive character qualities in my mind, and assign myself a number from 1-10 on where I think I am on each. Surprisingly I score tens on each one until the...

Your ass is mine.

UNA PREGUNTITA:,Usted entraría a un sitio donde, bajo una estatua de un tipo desnudo y muerto en un instrumento de tortura, se celebra un ritual cuyo punto culminante es la ingestión simbólica de la carne...

I’m almost finished,” said Wilhelm, wiping out a line with his sleeve and drawing over it.”I never doubted you for a moment,” said Vex, then looked at Aurora and spoke more softly. “I actually doubted...

I am the Captain of my own life.

Love isn’t easy. Making love is easy, especially when you’re hard, like I am now. There’s just something about retirement homes that I find erotic.

[On Oscar Wilde:]”If, with the literate, I amImpelled to try an epigram,I never seek to take the credit;We all assume that Oscar said it.[Life Magazine, June 2, 1927]

This, however, is.”He grabbed William by the wrist, swung the man around and around before at last releasing him and hurling his body directly onto the bridge.

My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.

Before I could figure out how to apologize for being such an idiot, she tackled me with a hug, then pulled away just as quickly. “I’m glad you’re not a guinea pig.””Me, too.” I hoped...

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments.

For breakfast I want a bowl of sugar with some corn flakes sprinkled on top. Then I want to make sweet love to you.

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.

Bricks could be used to promote social progress. If we could amass enough bricks to build a prison big enough to cage every citizen, then everybody would be equal. And I think our current political...

If you don’t know how to love, then any old robot or mechanical device would best suit your relationship style. In this situation, vacuum cleaners might make the best lovers.

I’ve met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited toschool for Career Day.

I just bought a small condo overlooking the water. The water is in a cup, one floor below my unit.

Gym should be illegal. It’s humiliating.

I just cut my beard. I used a tractor, because farmers make the best lovers. But why sell produce when you could sell reproduce?

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.