Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and...

Cinderella of course,” Danielle giggled.

Jane’s stories are too sensible. Then Diana puts too much murders into hers. She says most of the time she doesn’t know what to do with the people so she kills them off to get...

I had a dream about you. You wrapped the American flag around you like a towel, while I let Russia shower me with praise. The people over there really seemed to love me, probably because...

Don’t care for her tongue, do you? How strange. I find it one of my favorite parts.Bones to Gregor

Life never goes according to plan. That’s okay, because often our plans are much smaller than life intends. Probably EASIER, but smaller.

You are dead. It just hasn’t occurred to you yet.

I’ve got two jobs to do. One of those jobs is to not cry. It’s not a job, but it is in its isn’tness. I could go for either a cup of coffee, or an...

Happiness is a warm puppy.

The male frog, in mating season,” said Crake, “makes as much noise as it can. The females are attracted to the male frog with the biggest, deepest voice because it suggests a more powerful frog,...

There will be pain.” (Qyburn)”I’ll scream.” (Jaime Lannister)”A great deal of pain.” (Qyburn)”I’ll scream very loudly.” Jaime Lannister)

And what if that news anchor is creepy? He’s too smooth, and he has that hairpiece.

You know, when the list of people who have a really good reason to want you dead covers more than two sheets of paper, you might want to start rethinking your life choices.

I love how sincere she is. She makes a mannequin look like Mother Theresa, though she looks better naked. And I hope she thinks I look better naked than a dead woman.

I messed around once with a woman named Twice. But it won’t happen a third time.

I hate girls that giggle all the time… You hate any girl that David looks at.

Pearls are congealed oyster spit.

I enjoy reading books by way of subtitles from the movies they got made into.

Heroism doesn’t pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.

I just thought it sounded good.

The commodity I sell is nonsense. Condiments sold separately. Ah, but that’s life, no?

We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I’m cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

Everybody looked at Sully suspiciously. A rumor that he had burned up in the blaze had been circulating, and people had quickly adjusted to the idea of profound human tragedy. They were reluctant to give...

Very well.” He sat cross-legged on the floor of the cage. “You haven’t run off so you want to talk. I will hear your explanation now.””Really, Your Majesty? So good of you to condescend. I’ll...

I’m the Doctor; I’m worse than everybody’s aunt!

And then the other guy will look really sheepish, and mumble that, okay, maybe he tried to make a run for it, and maybe he took a drunken swing at the arresting officer, and maybe...

I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through the grass, the dirt, and his coffin lid.

I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

Basically, all women are nurturers and healers, and all men are mental patients to varying degrees.

I’m lyrically illiterate. Actually, more accurately, I can’t read music.

On the whole, we’re a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that...

When am I going to learn to stop questioning authority and just eat the Soylent Green?

The stranger was as white as a gallon of milk, and I felt the desire to pour his soul into my coffee. I’d drink him like the ghost of my grandpa.

Why did I ever wake up!” he cried.

Bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, bride of Beimerstetten, naked bride of Beimerstetten,” and he imagines a procession of proud military men blowing trumpets as they stomp through a bomb-devastated town to the tune of...

I believe that the door was unlocked.

Life’s too short, drive it like ya stole it!

Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.

Face to face marketing is like trying to dig a grave with a spoon. Kill it faster with a shovel.

She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?

An overnight bag with the company logo – a white silhouette of a finch (which once perched on the curved back of a stallion representing cofounder, Orwell, but has now been ‘adjusted’) – sits motionless...

Oh, I am. You haven’t experienced fun until you try to fuck in the front seat of a Civic.

How many indecisive people does it take to change the world? Just one. And then just one, the same one, to change it back.

Writing is a dying form. One reads of this every day.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

What you consider gross—dead rats—I consider considerate gifts.