Lend me your ears and you can borrow my mind

It depends if I get the window seat.

If you love three people at the same time, choose the first one, because if there was a 4th or 5th one, you might still fall for them.

Prove to me that you deserved it.

I gave her all the love I had to give—which wasn’t 100%, but rather 10%. The other 90% either evaporated or got stolen in the name of war reparations.

I’ve been writing for about eleven years. I went from elfish to elephantish, and in another eleven years I hope to be Levin.

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

Kalle Fucking Blomkvist

In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.

She’s the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

Of all the fish, in all the bars in the world, she had to not walk into mine. Maybe my love isn’t evolved enough for her.

My farts smell like coffee. Drink them up. But slowly, because they’re hot.

When I was a boy, I would read those postcards and know exactly why my father was doing what he was doing: he was taking a stab at greatness, that is, if greatness is simply...

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, “That’d better be your gun.” “Why yes, I always pack my gun where it’ll blow my balls off.”[Landon]

People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work online in the middle of the night—to catch all the worms halfway across the world.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how boys think. If I knew that I’d be a millionare.

Okay, okay, okay … go to your corners, boys. This is a nice Aubusson carpet you’re standing on. You get blood on it and I’ll have Fritz so far up my ass I’ll be coughing...

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.

Is this a game? We just blurt out whatever word comes next to mind? In that case mine’s ‘genuphobia’. It means an unreasonable fear of knees.” “What’s the word for a perfectly reasonable fear of...

Civilization is vastly overrated.

Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?

But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair.

There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that smell like flowers and flowers that can be burned, as they flicker light while you dine alone and ponder how much of a...

The girl I am in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry, or go to Jax beach and party? The ocean’s salty enough without my tears.

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.

You know that person on your left shoulder who tells you that you can’t do it or that you’re not good enough? Tell that person to GET LOST!

I shook my head. “I’m good, Nicky helped.”Nicky looked at Edward. “She’s having one of those what-if-killing-feels-really-good, doesn’t-that-make-me-a-bad-person moments.” Edward nodded as if that made perfect sense. “Then it feels good. We can’t really control...

…What do you do with all your money?””Me and the French hoard gold.

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!

And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do...

Babies don’t come with instruction booklets. You’d learn the same way we all do — you’d read up on dinosaurs, you’d Google backhoes and skidders. And you don’t need a penis to go buy a...

They say there are twelve steps to quitting something. But what if that something is playing with a slinky? Seems like you should be able to quit playing with a slinky using no steps.

moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it’s frumpy mother.

yes,” and only recently did I learn it’s spelled o-​u-​i and not w-​e-​e.

I showed my concern by showing her my penis. Was that not appropriate behavior at a funeral? What better way to display a lifetime of love that’s been zipped away from the eyes of world?

Damas y caballeros. Me temo que lo que voy a decir arruinará su apetito, pero la verdad es siempre bella, y debo declarar que: ¡las empanadas de la Sra. Lovett están hechas nada menos que...

I sleep on my side. And if you’re not on my side, you’re against me.

I was naked, except for two shower caps on my feet. Gotta save water somehow.

Close your eyes and picture it. Can you see it?”I nod, eyes closed.”Imagine it right there before you. See its texture, shape, and color—got it?”I smile, holding the image in my head.”Good. Now reach out...

I cannot bear to associate with the ordinary run of people. I have to surround myself with individuals who for the most part are more than a trifle insane

To begin perfect happiness at the respective ages of twenty-six and eighteen, is to do pretty well; and professing myself moreover convinced, that the General’s unjust interference, so far from being really injurious to their...

I care. They bother me. And that’s why I’m stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I’m stupid to the power of stupid.

I just got circumcised, and to help the homeless, I’m going to make a tent out of my foreskin. But right now I’m offering free coffee if you haven’t got a place to sleep.

We made love like Mondays on the moon at noon. I was her Neil Armstrong, and she was my midnight.

Geeks are not the world’s rowdiest people. We’re quiet and introspective, and usually more comfortable communing with our keyboards or a good book than each other. Our idea of how to paint theEmerald City red...

Uh, wait an hour?