I wear my job like a robe. I can’t wait to take it off. I vacation like a nudist showers—in the rain, under an umbrella, with five judges watching and awarding style points.

Obelmäker is a deeply fearful person and terribly indecisive. Even when he makes a choice, it’s usually bad.

All of the signs we invented growing up and we never invented one for ‘he’s standing right behind you’?

Why are there so many people out here?’ Boomer asked as we bobbed and weaved roughly forward.’Christmas shopping.’ I explained.’Already? Isn’t it early to returning things?’I really had no sense of how his mind worked.

to pee or not to pee that is the question

Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, ‘I wish I had bought stock in it.’ Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra...

So much for the bimbo alert; if she read books like that, then there was a light on upstairs, above the splendid front porch.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

Tomorrow I’ll be 24 hours longer than I am today. My love for you grows every minute, and pretty soon it will be 120 seconds tall.

Are you mad?” I ask.”I was.” He glances at the ceiling then back at me. “Or confused, anyway. The whole thing threw me through for a loop. I thought I’d finally met a guy at...

A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.

Nobody wants to leave what they know to go either to the unknown, or to grandmother’s house.

Integrity is a bugger, it really is. Lying can get you into difficulties, but to really wind up in the crappers try telling nothing but the truth.

Oh my God, not only is he older than the Grand Canyon, but he’s like the pope and the Fae King and the president of the United States all rolled up into one. To some...

The reason we talk with the same part of the body we eat with is because if we tried to eat with our ears, and I have tried, then we would naturally have to have...

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn’t get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no...

I started a Thank You Club. You’re welcome.

You have to be fun to ride roller coasters. And you have to be tall. My love for you is both of those things, even though I disguise it as a dwarf.

She’s the sort of woman who lives for others – you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

He seemed to swallow the lie I fed him. I hope he’s not still hungry. If he is, I’ll give him the illusory dessert known as the American Dream.

Street performances?””A little singing. A little martial arts. Some interpretive dance.””Wow.””I know! The Portuguese have taste.

When her boyfriend broke his leg, I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth.

I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb’s so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.

It’s not easy remembering the good times.

There’s been a lot written on the topic of minimalism. But I still believe in it.

There should be a soup spoon on the end of fire truck ladders, because fires do nothing if they don’t warm up leftovers.

There are people who feel they should be with you, but something is preventing them from coming close. Please can you just lower the frequency of your stern looking face and smile…and they will make...

I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?

I’m practically famous. More than eleven people have heard of me. Twelve, to be exact.

I’ve always said that idleness dulls the spirit. We have to keep the brain busy, or at least the hands if we don’t have a brain.

Step One: Grab Mattie. Step Two: Run. It wasn’t much of a plan. But what it lacked in potential it made up for in simplicity.

I’ll take a side of mashed potatoes—on the left side. And the right side.

Luck is a woman. She’s drawn to those that least deserve her.

Love is like a spring rain on a sunny September morning. And when I go out on dates, I bring my own jars of pickles. Women probably find it not only practical, but devastatingly sexy.

Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.

A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you.

A few said they’d be horses. Most said they’d be some sort of cat. My friend said she’d like to come back as a porcupine. I don’t like crowds, she said.

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first...

Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don’t know anybody named Donald.

I really should be studying now, but you’re much more important to me than a .50 calibre machine gun.

When a fish kills another fish, it’s not fishing—it’s hunting. And when a woman kills a mermaid, it’s not fishing, it’s half crazy—from the waste down.

I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.

Alexander Hamilton Junior High School– SEMESTER REPORT — STUDENT: Joseph MargolisTEACHER: Janet HicksENGLISH: A, ARITHMETIC: A, SOCIAL STUDIES: A, SCIENCE: A, NEATNESS: A, PUNCTUALITY: A, PARTICIPATION: A, OBEDIENCE: DTeacher’s Comments:Joseph remains a challenging student. While...

Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of ‘Stagefright Sympathy Sickness’.

He’d gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something.

The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d like the steak—medium rare—mashed potatoes, green beans, and a salad on the side....

I love those dark moments in Peanuts. I love that they’re in there, that Charles Schulz put the sad lonely bits of himself into the comic. I love the silliness too, the dancing Snoopy strips....

It’s not the early bird that gets the worm, it’s the one who knows to go outside after a rainstorm.