I was reading.You’re always reading. The only way people can ever talk to you is to interrupt. Then maybe they shouldn’t talk to me.

Not many men will love you like me. Of course, I’m not many men. I’m just several men. Or I will be, once my clones arrive.

I tried to raise my eyebrows in disbelief, but I forgot I’d packed away my eyebrows along with all my other winter clothing. My iced coffee was watery and warm with neglect.

The post on her left was occupied by Mr. Erskine of Treadley, an old gentleman of considerable charm and culture, who had fallen, however, into bad habits of silence, having, as he explained once to...

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.

I have a Siamese twin cat. It’s got 2 heads and 18 lives.

Two or three years from now thirty won’t look so senile.

Do you always ask me the same questions you ask him?””It depends on whether or not I get an answer.

So what else can I tell you?” I asked. “I mean, to get you to reveal Lily to me.”She triangled her fingers under her chin. “Let’s see. Are you a bed wetter?””Am I a…?””Bed wetter....

He had an ugly mug. Yes, both his face and his coffee cup were hideous.

Perché piangono gli uomini? Per colpa delle lotte e delle gesta e della maratona delle promozioni, perché vogliono la mamma, perché restano ciechi anche col passar del tempo, per colpa di tutte le erezioni che...

A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote for the brick on the left, or, The brick on the right is...

Be nice to people on your way up, because you’ll land on them on your way down

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.

He gives me the hairy eyeball, and asks me to help him find his pancreas.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Writing all day every day is good, but it’s not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.

To observe reality is to change it. Especially if reality catches you observing down its blouse at work.

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero

Don’t you wish we all lived in black light…. for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

The Lone Ranger of vampires. Did that make me Tonto?

Have a smile on your face for everyone you meet, and a plan to kill them.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I heard Africa was having a drought, so I mailed them a bucket of tears. Hope that helps, fellas.

I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn’t to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, “I’m going to shit my pants any second!”But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. “I’m...

A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

Don’t do it. Please. I know this book looks delicious with its light-weight pages sliced thin a prosciutto and swiss stacked in a way that would make Dagwood salivate. The scent of freshly baked words...

It’s an alien apocalypse! Quick, grab the beer!

On Wednesday, when the sky is blue,and I have nothing else to do,I sometimes wonder if it’s true That who is what and what is who.” – Winnie-the-Pooh

If you want to bend your mind, don’t use a crowbar.

Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.

Is this safe for work, and is this safe for work? – CIA security officer, examining employee’s personal safe with racy calendar attached

I keep a human brain in my pocket, because you never know when you’ll never know.

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

You’re still here. No beer. I’m not corrupting a minor.””But you’re a minor,” she pointed out. “At least for beer.””Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I’m an adult if I...

*marissa tries to get her single, working mother’s attention by suggesting something outrageous, to which mom replies:*’You’re a smart girl. Use your head and avoid any guy who reminds you of your father.

I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.

The quickest way to alter an altar is not with a hammer, or even religious deconstruction, but with a typo.

If by ‘about’ you mean ‘in a circle around,’ then yes, we’re doing something about the problem.

The government gave me four lighters, of which only three are functional. Employing their unemployment calculations, I guess this would mean that only 8% don’t work.

I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept–similar to Kerrick. It must be a survival tactic. If Allyn hadn’t looked so sweet, we would have killed him while...

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, “Don’t do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

The less one knows about meat, the more one is able to enjoy it. Meat tastes wonderful, of course, but as with the lad hawking hard-to-find wares at unbelievable prices, it’s best not to ask...

Our love meant the world to me. Well, certainly a globe at least.

REBEL” hats and Confederate flag bandannas. I laughed so hard I think I broke a rib.

The trouble with facial recognition software is that you get mistaken for every other person who doesn’t have a face.

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don’t have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway...

Do you think Bubbles wants Chinese food because it’s made out of cats?” Genevieve questioned, shoveling a big bite into her mouth.”Genevieve, that’s just gross and wrong. Don’t say things like that. Bubbles is a...

The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned.

The scientist believes in proof without certainty, the bigot in certainty without proof.