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Humor  Quotes
How much do you remember?

—Molly Harper

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ApologyFunnyHumor
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I pulled my suitcase out of the backseat of my bug, along with Cannoli’s new travel case, a spiffy animal print pet backpack on wheels. When I first saw it, I thought maybe the dog...

—Claire Cook

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DogsHumor
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So.” [Isobel] cleared her throat. “What are we doing?””We,” [Varen] said at last, “are doing a project on Poe.””Didn’t he marry his cousin or something?””The man is a literary god and that’s all you have...

—Kelly Creagh

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HumorIsobelNevermore
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With great power comes great dissipation.

—Timothy Poston

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EnergyHumorScience
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Ow! My brains!

—Douglas Adams

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HumorZaphod-Beeblebrox
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Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.’That’s some catch, that Catch-22,’ he observed.’It’s the best there is,’ Doc Daneeka agreed.Yossarian saw it...

—Joseph Heller

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HumorInsightful
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There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I’m taking a break from it tonight. I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

—C.C. Alma

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HumorHumor-Inspirational-LifeHumorous
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Intelink is the apocalypse it was created to help the Intelligence Community prevent.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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I am but a flower. Do with me what thou wilt.

—Jarod Kintz

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FlowerFlowersHumor
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Motormouth: So this is love? Well, love is a gift and a lot of people forget that. So you two better brace yourselves for a whole lot of ugly coming your way on a never...

—

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HumanityHumorLove
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

—W.C. Fields

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CurmudgeonHumor
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I hope I never smell the smell of apples again!” said Fili. “My tub was full of ut. To smell apples everlastingly when you can scarcely move and are cold and sick with hunger is...

—J.R.R. Tolkien

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AdventureFantasyHumor
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My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say if I asked you to turquoise?

—Jarod Kintz

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BlueDrunkGreen
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I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

—Bill Watterson

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Humor
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Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were Leibnizian monadic reflections of the One Thing.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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If you’re too slow off a red light, I’ll lay on my horn, because I’m a honky. Was that racist? Only if you’re trying to stir up political votes.

—Jarod Kintz

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HumorPolitics
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It’d Be a Lot Cooler If You Did.

—Matthew McConaughey

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Humor
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I’m told I’m very charming when people do what I want.

—Steven Brust

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HumorPersonality
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Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp....

—Douglas Adams

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FunnyHumorRandom
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Don’t drink my tears. They will only make you thirsty. And sad.

—Jarod Kintz

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DrinkHumorSad
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Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to...

—Bill Watterson

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HumorTruth-Of-Life
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Ultimately, that question can only be answered by you.

—John Alejandro King

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ComedyFunnyHumor
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I didn’t apply for a job this morning, but I did apply deodorant. So I have that going for me.

—Jarod Kintz

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DeodorantHumorJob
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What’s my second option?

—Lisa Kleypas

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HumorRomance
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His age was indeterminate. But in cynicism and general world weariness, which is a sort of carbon dating of the personality, he was about seven thousand years old.

—Terry Pratchett

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AgeAgingCynicism
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A crime scene is a silent witness that speaks louder and clearer than any human. Just ask Helen Keller.

—Jarod Kintz

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CommunicationCrime-SceneHumor
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I am ever a gentle maiden,” she shouted. “Damn if I’m not.

—Julie Garwood

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Honor-S-SplendourHumorJulie-Garwood
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Baumauer has been lured into the exhausting habit of supplying Kalist with ever more exceptional quality work just to appease him and often survives all day and all evening without food, but Maxwell D. Kalist...

—Carla H. Krueger

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Adult-FictionAnti-UtopiaBad-Manager
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I couldn’t help thinkin’ if she was as far out o’ town as she was out o’ tune, she wouldn’t get back in a day.

—Sarah Orne

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Bad-SingingHumorSarcasm
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I measured the length of my hand today, and just as I thought, it’s exactly as long as my other hand. I was so excited I started clapping.

—Jarod Kintz

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ApplauseClapClapping
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Flutters awakened inside her as he fitted his hands at her waist. “What if I don’t like it? What if I want you to stop?””You’ll have a safe word. The second you say it, I’ll...

—Lisa Kleypas

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BondageFunnyHumor
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Could she press it all the way through to the floor?” And, you know, I’m not sure about that myself. The sole of your boot might give me a bit of trouble, but nothing else...

—Terry Pratchett

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BalletDrunkennessFeminism
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Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.

—Jarod Kintz

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FunnyHolding-HandsHumor
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Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face.

—Augusten Burroughs

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ConfessionsHumorMagical-Thinking
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Decide the type of person you want to be, and when others aren’t looking, unique up on them.

—Stanley Victor

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HappinessHumorSelf-Realization
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Love is like politics, I think as I then think no it isn’t.

—Jarod Kintz

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HumorLovePolitics
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There is nothing so capital as a cup of tea for settling the Disheveled Nerves of Fair Ladies.

—Joan Bassington-French

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HumorTea
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What would it be like to think what a gerbil thinks, from a gerbil’s point of view? Kind of like Thomas Nigel’s 1974 paper, ‘What Is It Like to Be a Bat?’ There’s a subjective...

—Steven James

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HumorPsychologyScience
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18 rules for not getting caught. 1-17: don’t tell anybody. #18: not even your clone.

—Jarod Kintz

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CaughtCheatingClear
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Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions....

—Carla Jo

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CaringFamilyGod
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There is a distressing but not uncommon condition of presidents and other world leaders known as Worrying about Africa. It is usually picked up overseas as at summit meeting on world poverty or disease, and...

—Nicholas Drayson

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AfricaHumor
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This is agony cried Mr Salteena clutching hold of a table my life will be sour grapes and ashes without you.

—Daisy Ashford

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HumorUnrequited-Love
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Poor innocent little lambie,” God said, shaking his head. “Telion. I made you people in My Image. I swear, and drink, and have sex. I even burp and fart, but I damn sure don’t snore....

—Marie Brown

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FantasyGods-And-MortalsHumor
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Woodrow Wilson has just made the decision to take part in World War I. What was he feeling then? Did he know the possible outcomes of his decision? Did he feel the burden of American...

—Zachary Crosby

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AmericaHumorWoodrow-Wilson
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I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve....

—Jarod Kintz

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HumorKissKiss-Ass
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Disco’s are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don’t.

—David Mitchell

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DanceDiscoHumor
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You want useless, you have come to the right guy. I can be useless for hours at a time. Weeks even. I’m currently closing in on a month of being totally useless, which is by...

—Sarah Rees

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HumorPersonality
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I don’t like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.

—Jarod Kintz

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HumorLoadedLoaded-Question
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Now that I think about it, maybe he is a werewolf. I can picture him lunging over the moors in hot pursuit of his prey, and I’m certain that he wouldn’t think twice about eating...

—Mary Ann

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DatingHumorLove
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Anticipation tingled in my stomach: the kind of tingle that at first you don’t know if it’s a good tingle or a bad tingle – just a tingle.

—Terry Weible

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ComedyHumorMystery
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