I could shine at will!” Magnus grinned at Henry

I fight with the strength of many lion meows. I love even more ferociously.

Anyone who thinks they’re too grown up or too sophisticated to eat caramel corn, is not invited to my house for dinner

Coffee and me are best friends. The only difference between Coffee and my other best friends is I drink coffee, and I ate all my other friends.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I...

Color is powerful. It is almost physiologically impossible to be in a bad mood when you’re wearing bright red pants.

I guess it’s worth a shot.” More than likely a wasted bullet, but I’ll fire anyway.

She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie.

Now stand in the corner, and think about what you’ve done!

The office is painted with green and red stripes. It’s not painted that way so my mom can experience Christmas 364 more days a year. It represents the stock market, with green symbolizing greed, and...

I can’t,” I said. “I threw my back out masturbating.

Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.

There’s a mathematics to nesting, I’m sure, that explains how length of stay + space available = accumulating way too much stuff.

Once she called to invite me to a concert of Liszt piano concertos. The soloist was a famous South American pianist. I cleared my schedule and went with her to the concert hall at Ueno...

I did not become a runner to lose weight, I did it to escape my computer

I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so.

Grace sat down where the chair wasn’t.

In this, then, lies their power of understanding–understanding, without words, what is authentic or inauthentic. Thus it was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the...

Thanks to my mother, I was raised to have a morbid imagination. When I was a child, she often talked about death as warning, as an unavoidable matter of fact. Little Debbie’s mom down the...

Stacks of vitamins in a soapy sink. Shh, don’t talk to me while I think. Don’t look while I stuff your yummy dinner down the drain. It was so good I couldn’t bear to eat...

I like to search for class struggle in strange domains. For example it is clear that in classical Hollywood, the couple of vampires and zombies designates class struggle. Vampires are rich, they live among us....

The right people came along with the right tools (eyelids), and it was goodnight, war. Peace felt like such a dream, probably because it was.

With friends like me, who needs mannequins? My love for you is statuesque. Come, let us dance like we’re made of stone.

Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor’s cap.Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne...

Having writers block sucks more than my actual writing. And my writing would be astonishing if I could write how I feel.

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the ‘totality’. The television also told her she wouldn’t age if she bought expensive...

I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.

He held out his hand to Sophie, just like Mrs. Pentstemmon, but a little less royally. Sophie levered herself up, wondering if she was meant to kiss this hand or not. But since she felt...

I’d rather fall in molten lava than fall in love. But I suppose that’s just the romantic me.

The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it.

It was a little sexy, Simon said. He felt much better, having fed, and couldn’t help but poke at Alec a bit. It wasn’t, said Alec. I had some feelings, said Simon.

I’ll eat this world like coffee-flavored bubblegum. I’ll chew thoroughly before I swallow.

True storyThis morning I jumped on my horseAnd went for a ride,And some wild outlaws chased meAnd shot me in the side.So I crawled into a wildcats caveTo find a place to hideBut some pirates...

The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.

I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.

I’m sure I’ll feel much more grateful when I find a guy who thinks complex wiring in a girl is a turn-on.

Hertzfeld recalled that Gates just sat there coolly, looking at Steve in the eye, before hurling back, in his squeaky voice, what became a classic zinger. “Well, Steve, I think there’s more than one way...

See” Kayla links her arm through mine, leaving Blake to jostle and race the other guys. “I tell them I can handle my own stuff, but it’s like a mark of pride or something. I’m...

I understand the gist of your speculation,’ said Rhialto. ‘It is most likely nuncupatory.

Why, on to the castle, to kill the royal family, and claim the throne that isn’t mine by right!

A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There should also be marshmallows.

My name is Couch Choochoo, and I’m here to train you.

Darling, i wish someone would realize im not happy. im alone and in pain because of you leaving me and never coming home. im nothng compared to you but i feel like im everything better...

For people who like that sort of thing, that’s the sort of thing they like.

Soap wasn’t invented until the Romans, who also invented interesting sex. (Since my editor informs me that a gardening book is not a proper venue for discussions of interesting sex, I will go into this...

The past—I’m looking forward to it.

Peter remained on friendly terms with Christ notwithstanding Christ’s having healed his mother-in-law.

Ich war erfolgreich, sah ganz vernünftig aus und ich hielt mich an sich für einen liebenswerten Menschen. Ich hatte eine Kontaktanzeige nicht nötig. Im Gegenteil, mir lagen die Männer sozusagen zu Füßen. Zwar lauter Idioten,...

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took’s great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a...

No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.