The right people came along with the right tools (eyelids), and it was goodnight, war. Peace felt like such a dream, probably because it was.

Yes, fuck Christina. I think she’d like that.

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between “literally” and “figuratively.” If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you...

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the ‘totality’. The television also told her she wouldn’t age if she bought expensive...

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

He held out his hand to Sophie, just like Mrs. Pentstemmon, but a little less royally. Sophie levered herself up, wondering if she was meant to kiss this hand or not. But since she felt...

You’re weird,’ he says.Despite everythin, I smile. ‘You’re always saying that, but in fact, you’re weird,’ I say.’Yeah, I know. Remember? That’s how I can tell you’re weird, too.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

As I’m sure you know, there are two types of “What?” in the world. The first type simply means “Excuse me, I didn’t hear you. Could you please repeat yourself?” The second type is a...

I’ll eat this world like coffee-flavored bubblegum. I’ll chew thoroughly before I swallow.

Whenever I think of something but can’t think of what it was I was thinking of, I can’t stop thinking until I think I’m thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.

The political brain is shaped like a peanut, only not as big.

When you loathe yourself, a true friend will respect your honesty. And if you’ve been fortunate in life, he will probably share your opinion.

We both want you dead. I’m bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can’t sweat the fact that you’ve lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float...

I understand the gist of your speculation,’ said Rhialto. ‘It is most likely nuncupatory.

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?

Crazy is relative.

A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There should also be marshmallows.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding. The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married. One should always be in love – that’s the reason one should never...

There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, things man is too dumb to figure out, but that’s a different problem.

The past—I’m looking forward to it.

I always have my own opinion before my boss says his.

The place where the story happened was a world on the back of four elephants perched on the shell of a giant turtle. That’s the advantage of space. It’s big enough to hold practically anything,...

Ich war erfolgreich, sah ganz vernünftig aus und ich hielt mich an sich für einen liebenswerten Menschen. Ich hatte eine Kontaktanzeige nicht nötig. Im Gegenteil, mir lagen die Männer sozusagen zu Füßen. Zwar lauter Idioten,...

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

Nothing of importance happened today.

Why question what Froi of Lumatere was doing here?’ he asked.’ When you should be questioning what would have happened to Charyn if he hadn’t been here. Who else would have saved Gargarin of Abroi...

Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that.

I took a nap and used a napkin as a blanket. Obviously it was a small nap.

People have hope because they cannot see Death standing behind them.

My love started the day I was born. If you run you can probably catch up. Remember, think marathon—not sprint.

Puh-lease… Team leather and cocks isn’t always right.

LADY BRACKNELLTo speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

There are never enough ‘I love you’s.

I have a body like a mannequin. I must, because instead of women trying to get me naked, they only want to see me with clothes on.

A brick could be used as a device to deliver bad news. Sometimes it’s better to be blunt.

When she realizes that Nigel is having an affair, her first sentiment is satisfaction that she figured it out. Her second is that, despite all the palaver about betrayal, it doesn’t feel so terrible.This is...

Some people work in the medical field, others in the legal field, while I work in the green field. Except in winter, and then I work in the brown field.

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

The Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it’s becoming less accurate with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag is clearly increasing over time.

Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack

Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.

Being buried alive in a cemetery would put me in grave danger.

From the people who brought you “zero tolerance,” I present the Gun-Free Zone! Yippee! Problem solved! Bam! Bam! Everybody down! Hey, how did that deranged loner get a gun into this Gun-Free Zone?