I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I could help you, and you said you could help me. I got excited...

Just because he’s a spider doesn’t mean he deserves any less concern!

I got a small package in the mail today, and I thought it was the midget stripper I bought off eBay. But it was just a pair of shoes I ordered. Didn’t matter, I still...

I’m reminded of a story I told my 5th grade class in the 4th grade.

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I’m one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

If you were me, then I’d be you, and if I were you, then I’d hide somewhere far away.

I had a dream about you. You fell into my arms like a 120-pound sack of gold coins. So I did what any respectable lover would do—I buried you in the backyard so nobody could...

He opened the first letter, No “Dear Mr. Woods.” It was a page full of profanities. There was something oddly refreshing about honest, to-the-point hate mail. No hypocrisy and forced politeness. Too many letters ripped...

When People in sales are at work, they are at war.

Everything was fine, would continue to be fine, would eventually get even better as long as the supermarket did not slip.

So why did you want to kiss me?””We’re friends aren’t we?” Callum shrugged.I relaxed into a smile. “Of course we are.””And if you can’t kiss your friends who can you kiss?” Callum smiled.

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.-Artemis Fowl

No one likes a person that “should of” all over the place.

If I were a box of cereal, I wouldn’t want to talk about myself any more than I do now. Just flip me over and read all about me if you’re curious. Everything you need...

You hunt and catch your own food. Am I correct?””We are fierce predators of the night,” DeChevue said proudly.Edwin tried again, “You hunt and gather your own food?”DeChevue still didn’t get it. “Yes, M’sieur. We...

I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.

The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.

I suffer a loss and people console me. Royce suffers a loss and whole towns evacuate.

It’s funny when people say something is “unreal” about something that is, in reality, real. I’m so guilty of it, it’s real!

Here was a flower (the daisy reflected) strangely like itself and yet utterly unlike itself too. Such a paradox has often been the basis for the most impassioned love.

If you ask me for a book to read, I’ll hand you a soda can. Start there.

It’s true that journalism in reality is not the journalism that we learnt in the university. It is far from it.

Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?

If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.

That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God.

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

Ah ha!’ the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ”The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

if lying would be a crime, we would all be in jail right now

Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die, slowly.

I hope worms shit on your corpse!” was my reply. A ghost had just gotten to third base with me. Could I sink any lower?

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

Progress just means bad things happen faster.

A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement.

There’s something about sports. You can be setting fire to cats and burying them in your backyard, but as long as you’re playing team sports, people think you’re okay.

One of the things you never want to be in this life is boring. But once, sad to say, I put my cat to sleep. Who knew you could euthanize any living creature by reading...

I don’t care what you Yanks say, cheese should not whiz.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

Michael staggered to his feet and turned to face his worst nightmare. Baal stood before him, a smirk on his face. He wore his signature grey, pinstripe, three-piece suit, and casually twisted his pinky ring...

Despite wearing a Rolex, I have no time.

She’s got you there,” HARV added.

I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering I’m skinny and inconsiderate.

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, “Well this isn’t too bad, I don’t have a left arm anymore but at...

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

I can pray if I want to. Then be quiet about it.

I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago. If they say I have the wrong number I’ll tell them, No, right...

Yes, fuck Christina. I think she’d like that.

I haven’t personally met God yet, but when I do, I’ll ask him if he still believes in you. I’m sure he does.

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between “literally” and “figuratively.” If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you...

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?