I’m reminded of a story I told my 5th grade class in the 4th grade.

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the...

If you were me, then I’d be you, and if I were you, then I’d hide somewhere far away.

There’s something about sports. You can be setting fire to cats and burying them in your backyard, but as long as you’re playing team sports, people think you’re okay.

I’ve got a great body. It’s got four wheels under it and I drive it to work. I would give you a ride to work, but what am I, a camel? No, I’m the Love...

You just noticed? You’re slow…

I don’t care what you Yanks say, cheese should not whiz.

Everything was fine, would continue to be fine, would eventually get even better as long as the supermarket did not slip.

When one is two, it is love, and one plus one equals three.

She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.-Artemis Fowl

She’s got you there,” HARV added.

J is the sexiest letter, followed closely by a,r,o,d, and then k,i,n,t,z.

If humor and rumor are needed more than faith and truth, then it tells me something about the kind of world we live today.

If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, “Well this isn’t too bad, I don’t have a left arm anymore but at...

The door handle is on the wrong side of the door. It’s on the inside only, only in my dreams. I can leave, but I can’t return.

I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.

It’s funny when people say something is “unreal” about something that is, in reality, real. I’m so guilty of it, it’s real!

Yes, fuck Christina. I think she’d like that.

Never start a fight with your hands in your pockets. Unless you’re instigating with an armless man.

The notion that inspired play (even when audacious, offensive, or obscene) enhances rather than diminishes intellectual vigor and spiritual fulfillment, the notion that in the eyes of the gods the tight-lipped hero and the wet-cheeked...

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between “literally” and “figuratively.” If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening. If you...

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

That was some powerful shit. Like mind and pussy-numbing, fuckilepsy inducing, reproductive organ-exploding powerful. You really are some kind of flogger wielding sex God.

Fat people are funny … until obesity pays your loved one a visit.

Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired how her green Starbucks apron matched her bright green eyes. She had hair...

As I’m sure you know, there are two types of “What?” in the world. The first type simply means “Excuse me, I didn’t hear you. Could you please repeat yourself?” The second type is a...

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

We both want you dead. I’m bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.

I’ll write the first sentence in English and the second sentence will be nonsense translated to Russian, to make the ultimate non sequitur.

Blackouts can be fun if approached with the right mindset. You just can’t sweat the fact that you’ve lost a small portion of your life for all eternity. Occasionally, little bubbles of memory will float...

Word” is too long to be short, like a 4” tall non-midget. My favorite word is love, and though it’s not long, it’s by far the tallest word.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

The proper basis for marriage is mutual misunderstanding. The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married. One should always be in love – that’s the reason one should never...

Love is a skeleton wrapped in a bacon blanket. It’s sizzling and hot and tasty and I’d love to have some right now with a large cup of coffee.

There are no things man was not meant to know. There are, perhaps, things man is too dumb to figure out, but that’s a different problem.

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

Nothing of importance happened today.

Like Blue Ribbon Coffee, my love is in second place. But that’s OK, because like Blue Ribbon Coffee, I have winning taste.

Why question what Froi of Lumatere was doing here?’ he asked.’ When you should be questioning what would have happened to Charyn if he hadn’t been here. Who else would have saved Gargarin of Abroi...

The elevator wasn’t empty; it was full of fragrance. The perfume that lingered smelled like my past. Starting tomorrow, to focus on the future, I’m going to close my nose with a clothespin. One day,...

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

LADY BRACKNELLTo speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other’s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

You’re weird,’ he says.Despite everythin, I smile. ‘You’re always saying that, but in fact, you’re weird,’ I say.’Yeah, I know. Remember? That’s how I can tell you’re weird, too.

There are never enough ‘I love you’s.

3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns...

Whenever I think of something but can’t think of what it was I was thinking of, I can’t stop thinking until I think I’m thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

The Australian flag is noteworthy in that, cosmologically speaking, it’s becoming less accurate with each passing second. By contrast, the cosmological accuracy of the American flag is clearly increasing over time.