Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

What did I fear, and why? — I, to whom the night had beena more familiar facethan that of man —I, in whom that element of hereditary superstition from which none of us is altogether...

Beware of the compound adjective, beloved of the tyro and the ‘poetess’.

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.

Unacquainted with grief, I knew not how to appraise my bereavement; I could not rightly estimate the strength of the stroke.

Bride, n. – A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso...

A guerra é a forma de Deus en­si­nar ge­o­grafia aos ame­ri­ca­nos.

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

He thought he was walking along a dusty road that showed white in the gathering darkness of a summer night. Whence and whither it led, and why he traveled it, he did not know, though...

Grief is an artist of powers as various as the instruments upon which he plays his dirges for the dead, evoking from some the sharpest, shrillest notes, from others the low, grave chords that throb...

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.A striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average...

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Idiot – A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action,...

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.

History – An account mostly false, of events unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

On this night I had searched for them without success, fearing to find them; they were nowhere in the house, nor about the moonlit dawn. For, although the sun is lost to us for ever,...

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or...

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

This is only a record of broken and apparently unrelated memories, some of them as distinct and sequent as brilliant beads upon a thread, others remote and strange, having the character of crimson dreams with...

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.

From the vast, invisible ocean of moonlight overhead fell, here and here, a slender, broken stream that seemed to plash against the intercepting branches and trickle to earth, forming small white pools among the clumps...

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word – nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and...

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Fear has no brains; it is an idiot. The dismal witness that it bears and the cowardly counsel that it whispers are unrelated.

In the presence of death reason and philosophy are silent

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

The hardest tumble a man can take is to fall over his own bluff.

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

Ah, children of the sunlight and the gaslight, how little you know of the world in which you live!

When he had ended, the holy hermit was a moment silent, then said: “My son, I have attended to thy story and I know the maiden. I have myself seen her, as have many. Know,...