He’s getting older,” Charles said darkly. “Shall I hit him with my walker or my oxygen tank?

What song would lull a snake into submission? “John Mayer?””Over my dead body.””Could be, Tim, could be.

I really am who I seem to be, and I’m coming apart at the seams.

Ha, Euann put a mint in there.

War created the conditions for great advances in technology…without war men would not traverse oceans in hours, travel in space, or microwave popcorn.

They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to get inside of you? After all, most men buy women alcohol so they...

Never tell people when to meet; tell them when to leave.

The idea of being strong for someone else having never entered their heads, I find myself in the position of having to console them. Since I’m the person going in to be slaughtered, this is...

But an inferior talent can only be graceful when it’s carrying inferior ideas. And the more narrowly you can look at a thing the more entertaining you can be about it.

I’m romantic. I’ll try to make your bed while you’re still sleeping in it.

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

If ruining the only religious icon I have leaves me vulnerable to Martian vampires, I’ll have to risk it.

Any celebrity will tell you there’s no money in being invisible. But any bank robber will tell you there’s all the money in the world to be had if you’re invisible. I want my body...

If you want to go foraging into the wilds of Canada without proper gear, you deserve what you get, even if that happens to include being attacked by an undead moose.

It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands weeds that grow from lack of attention, in a garden. However, it is...

The sleds accelerated quickly as they glided effortlessly over the smooth ice. We had never before experienced such a quick, easy slide. usually we wished we could push ourselves to make our sleds go faster....

I want to invent a portable sink. It won’t be small, but it will be the size and shape of a car. (Best not to park it in your kitchen).

I’ve done tangos with men who thought my ass was a squeaky toy.

Parker, I’m old,” She said matter-of-factly. “I get away with these things.” She continued to wave and smile wildly. “People treat me like an idiot so I’m allowed to act like one from time to...

From CATS ARE KIND”A man said to the universe,’Sir, I exist!”Excellent,’ replied the universe,’I’ve been looking for someone to take care of my cats.

Strange, how in all those apocalyptic movies, when their society breaks down into lawlessness and anarchy, Canada is always the haven of safety, the place people want to escape to.

I have something I need to tell you,” he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. “I might be in love with you.” He smiles a...

Which is your bad shoulder?”His brows knit together. “The left,” he said carefully.She slugged him in the right.He staggered. Steadied himself. Grinned. “Is that like some weird Wyoming mating ritual thing I should know about?””Damn...

Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: “Bring it in.”I took it in and spread...

I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren’t literally made of fire.

I thought the assassin was moving kind of slow for an assassin. Maybe the magic had done something after all. Or maybe he felt sorry for me. That sort of thing happens among cutthroats more...

Like a boxer on a treadmill, I hit the ground running. It was my first time being in love, and if enthusiasm were a sport, I’d have been sponsored by Nike. Or Adidas, whichever offered...

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

He’d been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.

I dropped out of school in the fourth grade to work in a shoe factory before I took up farming. I grew salmon—on trees.

I work for the nod syndicate. It’s a sleepy job. If I’m caught not sleeping on the job, I’ll get fired.

I couldn’t help but notice how hot he looked tonight with his strong build lining his t-shirt. He should never cover his beauty with clothes and such things. – Ariel

Our town was known for two things–no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption.

…the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.

Given his personality, I’d say exorcism makes perfect sense as a favored pastime.

Juliet’s version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.

Get your head out of the clouds. Stop huffing the atmosphere.

I match my pajamas to my comforter so I can disappear into sleep. I’m camouflaged into noonexistence, where I don’t wake up until 12:00 PM.

A seal the size of Canada attaches to her soul light.

I’m half good and I’m half bad. My mama is a very good girl and my daddy is a very bad boy. And I guess that leaves me somewhere sort of…here.

Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.

We all know I’m marrying you, as soon as you get over your thing with dog tags and realize a stethoscope is way sexier, anyway.” – Tanner

Crossing the small wooden bridge, just past the rubble, Gabe ducked off to the left and swooped underneath into hiding. Once sure he was secure, and could not be seen by those that passed overhead,...

My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

I don’t accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says...

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

HECKLER: Say something funny!COMEDIAN: I don’t do requests.

Ohmygod, please do this more, and by more I mean all the time.” And the more you please her, the more she’ll want to do it with you. It’s a win-win!

All three combined is…a different kind of stupid formerly unheard of by humankind.