All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I can’t fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Hay relaciones en las que las palabras dice amistad, pero los ojos gritan romance.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.
I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.