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Woody Allen  Quotes
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

—Woody Allen

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LiesLifeTruth
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The most expensive sex is free sex

—Woody Allen

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ExpensiveFreeSex
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If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

—Woody Allen

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Christian-BehaviorHumorOrganized-Religion
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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

—Woody Allen

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Sex
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Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and...

—Woody Allen

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Absurd
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If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

—Woody Allen

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FilmsProfit
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I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier,...

—Woody Allen

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Life-And-DeathSuicideTime-Zones
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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

—Woody Allen

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Life
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Mary: Il sesso senza amore è un’esperienza vuota!-Isaac: Beh, ma tra le esperienze vuote è una delle migliori.

—Woody Allen

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ExperiencesLife-ExperienceSex
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

—Woody Allen

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ExceptLaughter
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Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

—Woody Allen

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BodyFunMind
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To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to...

—Woody Allen

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Love
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Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

—Woody Allen

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InsightPhilosophy
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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

—Woody Allen

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Absurd
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My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

—Woody Allen

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GettingLastNight
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I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.

—Woody Allen

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I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

—Woody Allen

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AbsurdAtheismHumor
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Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.

—Woody Allen

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Sex
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Seja como for, as pessoas dedicadas à religião não querem reconhecer a realidade que contradiz o seu conto de fadas. Se realmente vivermos num universo sem Deus, elas perdem o emprego. O fluxo de dinheiro...

—Woody Allen

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Human-NatureHumorInspirational
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I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

—Woody Allen

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EitherSmallpox
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One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn’t want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which...

—Woody Allen

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DeathExistentialismNihilism
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I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in...

—Woody Allen

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Life
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I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.

—Woody Allen

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DirtyHumorNature
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I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

—Woody Allen

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RanTriangle
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I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

—Woody Allen

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Watching
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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

—Woody Allen

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FunnyLoveSex
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Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

—Woody Allen

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DeathFunFunny
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A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy… with polio.

—Woody Allen

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Absurd
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As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

—Woody Allen

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Said
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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

—Woody Allen

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AchievingMoveStudents
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My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.

—Woody Allen

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Humor
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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

—Woody Allen

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Sex
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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought,] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

—Woody Allen

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BadGoodSleep
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I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

—Woody Allen

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Anyone
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David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That’s one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created...

—Woody Allen

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ExistenceLove
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I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how...

—Woody Allen

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HumourLife
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He’s dreaming, Cloquet thought, as he stood over him, revolver in hand. He’s dreaming, and I exist in reality. Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

—Woody Allen

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Reality
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

—Woody Allen

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CaseDefinitelyIllusion
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In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.

—Woody Allen

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ShowsThrowTv
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I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

—Woody Allen

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DeathFearHumor
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I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.

—Woody Allen

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DeathHumor
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I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

—Woody Allen

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Absurd
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Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

—Woody Allen

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FunRest
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I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

—Woody Allen

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OnceRun
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Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

—Woody Allen

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AttributedHumorPhysics
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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

—Woody Allen

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Sex
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The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

—Woody Allen

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HappyInsteadTalent
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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

—Woody Allen

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PedestalWife
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Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: “At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You’d be surprised how effective it can be.

—Woody Allen

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HumorInterrogation-MarksIrony
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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.

—Woody Allen

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Life
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