All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

The most expensive sex is free sex

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and...

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier,...

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Mary: Il sesso senza amore è un’esperienza vuota!-Isaac: Beh, ma tra le esperienze vuote è una delle migliori.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to...

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.

Seja como for, as pessoas dedicadas à religião não querem reconhecer a realidade que contradiz o seu conto de fadas. Se realmente vivermos num universo sem Deus, elas perdem o emprego. O fluxo de dinheiro...

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

One day about a month ago, I really hit bottom. You know, I just felt that in a Godless universe, I didn’t want to go on living. Now I happen to own this rifle, which...

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in...

I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy… with polio.

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

My brain? That’s my second favorite organ.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought,] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That’s one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created...

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how...

He’s dreaming, Cloquet thought, as he stood over him, revolver in hand. He’s dreaming, and I exist in reality. Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: “At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You’d be surprised how effective it can be.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.