All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: “At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You’d be surprised how effective it can be.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.

You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

The artist’s job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

Honey, you’re the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It’ll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler’s birthday

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day....

There’s an old joke – um… two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ’em says, “Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah, I...

One must have one’s delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it’s a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.

I am two with nature.

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, ‘Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?’ I said, ‘I wanted this girl and...

I can’t fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an...

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.

Chapter 1.He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion…no, make that: he – he romanticized it all out of proportion. Yeah. To him, no matter what the season was, this was...

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you’ve never seen neurotics play softball, it’s really funny....

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.