All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I can’t fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.
I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.