Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that...

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

I am two with nature.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Seja como for, as pessoas dedicadas à religião não querem reconhecer a realidade que contradiz o seu conto de fadas. Se realmente vivermos num universo sem Deus, elas perdem o emprego. O fluxo de dinheiro estagna.Por outro lado, há pessoas que escolhem viver a sua vida de uma forma completamente egocêntrica e homicida. Essas sentem...

Raining. Oh, brother, a scratch on the fender. Damn rabbi on his unicycle.Wait a minute, where are my car keys? Could have sworn I left them in this pocket. No, just some loose change and ticket stubs from the all-black version of Elaine Stritch’ s one-woman show.Did I check my desk? Better go back inside....

The most expensive sex is free sex

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get...

David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That’s one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created by the great Shakespeare will, in millions of years, cease to exist—when the universe runs its course and the lights...

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

I can’t fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

Honey, you’re the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?It’ll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler’s birthday

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I hate when art becomes a religion. I feel the opposite. When you start putting a higher value on works of art than people, you’re forfeiting your humanity.” – Woody Allen

I can’t do anything to death, doctor’s orders.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.