All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day....

There’s an old joke – um… two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ’em says, “Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah, I...

One must have one’s delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it’s a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.

I am two with nature.

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, ‘Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?’ I said, ‘I wanted this girl and...

I can’t fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an...

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.

Chapter 1.He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion…no, make that: he – he romanticized it all out of proportion. Yeah. To him, no matter what the season was, this was...

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you’ve never seen neurotics play softball, it’s really funny....

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Hay relaciones en las que las palabras dice amistad, pero los ojos gritan romance.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.

Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.