My feet are dense with dance. I move like I’m wearing concrete boots and I’m trying to tread water. If the music is salsa, I may start gargling.

If you’re thinking about killing someone, don’t. Not don’t kill them, but don’t think about it—just do it already.

Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.

Ronan said, “I’m always straight.”Adam replied “Oh, man, that’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told.

I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening and morning?

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don’t want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That’s why I’m constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.

Let’s go commit senseless acts of science.

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006.

I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.

Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should...

I enjoy the sounds of morning. My favorite is the shush of orgasm. If you tell me you love me, I might tell you the time.

If sex were shoes, I’d wear you out. But I wouldn’t wear you out in public.

I want to hold onto this funny thing. God, it’s gotten big on me. I don’t know what it is. I’m so damned unhappy, I’m so mad, and I don’t know why. I feel like...

Fuck I love it when you talk dirty.

I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason why my investment decisions always look so great—for the people on the other...

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no friends, so it’s no surprise that I have no money either.

Gordon Edgley’s sudden death came as a shock to everyone – not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book,...

And I may not omit here a special work of God’s providence. There was a proud and very profane young man [aboard the Mayflower], one of the seamen, of a lusty, able body, which made...

It’s fun telling you tall Texas tales. You always look like a little girl who’s hearing Cinderella for the first time.

It’s sad to see a restaurant go out of business because the owner died, after being cannibalized by hungry customers.

My imagination plus Vibrizzio is not only equal to but also greater than a real man. Why should I settle for second best?

I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the moment. Ah, but that’s life, no?

My advice for a person who’s just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms…faster.

There is no known cure for severe affection for one’s cat. The only way to relieve the symptoms is to go ahead and launch a kiss attack.

From: Christian GreySubject: &*%$&*&*Date: August 23 2011 11:23To: Anastasia GreyBelieve me when I say there are a great many things he’d like to do to your ass right now. Firing you is not one of...

I was beside myself with grief. I was also beside myself with cloning.

Charming villains have always had a decided social advantage over well-meaning people who chew with their mouths open.

If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

Her sculptured face was as perfect as a painting.

Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.

Luce blushed. “Then what kind of angel are you?””I’m sort of in between gigs right now,” Daniel said.

Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in a scuba suit—on a waterbed. Not that I actually ever get in the...

Tanith frowned. Did people still go on DATES any more? She was sure they did. They probably called it something different though. She tried to think of the last date she’d been on. The last...

A book can tell me anything it wants to, but I sure as shit don’t have to believe it.

Th’ first thing to have in a libry is a shelf.Fr’m time to time this can be decorated with lithrachure.But th’ shelf is th’ main thing.

Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So...

There’s a difference between preferring books to parties and preferring sixteen cats to seeing the light of day.

I’m productive. I make things. I make fun.

I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and naughtily nautical.

I had a dream about you while having a dream about you. We were watching the movie Inception and drinking déjà vu.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.

But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me from ordering for two, and if I can’t eat it all I’ll take the leftovers home so I can...

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.

I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left.