Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

I’m not worthy of you or your Omega awesomeness.

Hereos. Idols. They’re never who you think they are. Shorter. Nastier. Smellier. And when you finally meet them, there’s something that makes you want to choke the shit out of them.

I had a dream about you. You were so cute, and I was holding you for a long time. We went for a walk, happily strutting down the street. We saw a couple others but...

Dear Lynda Carter, Please be with me in my hour of need. Especially if I don’t have to twirl around to get my powers.

Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it...

I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a bit premature. But don’t worry; just give our relationship a minute—plus fourteen more.

I left my youth behind me. It peddled the bicycle while I rode on the handlebars.

Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me...

Christ was the son, I am a magnifying glass, and you are an ant.

Together me and Amy are Jaramy. Pearl Jam wrote a song about us speaking in class.

I believe God himself will someday debate with and answer every objection arrogant men can come up with against him; I believe he will humble us and humor himself. Know-it-alls, pseudo-intellectuals, militant anti-theists, for Christ’s...

Well, don’t stand about like that, man; if you’re no use you’re certainly no ornament. Bring that in and tell me what it says.

If you can’t be yours while being mine, maybe you aren’t as yours as you’d like to convince yourself that you are.

People seem to overlook an old man losing his mind if he occasionally made light of it.

The important thing is to keep them pledging,” he explained to his cohorts. “It doesn’t matter whether they mean it or not. That’s why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what...

She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.

People who could easily be mistaken as preteens just shouldn’t even try to pull off the look-at-me-I’m-so-serious-and-mysterious-and-sexy look. Especially while driving because, please, you look like you are twelve and a half and driving with...

I’m considering writing a self-help book and giving people 20 cents to read it. This way, I can be sure they all get new paradigms.

You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me.””I was ninety percent sure.””I see,” Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at...

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

Word of mouth is often louder than word of hand, although applause can be deafening. I clap like Helen Keller drank coffee—with two spoonfuls of silence.

If I were to be elected World Leader someday, I’d wear an outfit made of Band-Aids, as a symbolic gesture of sticking together, healing, and the blood soon to be spilt.

Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.

Thinking is hard work, which is why you don’t see many people doing it.

As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?

In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.

Sissy Mae Smith…stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. “You pack like a woman,” she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. “How can one man have so much...

Yes! I just nailed an interview. I’m going to be a professional hammerer.

Now, paper and pencils,” said Miss Marcy, clapping her hands.Writing paper is scarce in this house, and I had no intention of tearing sheets out of this exercise book, which is a superb sixpenny one...

Finally, we entered Chetaube County, my imaginary birthplace, where the names of the little winding roads and minuscule mountain communities never failed to inspire me: Yardscrabble, Big Log, Upper, Middle and Lower Pigsty, Chicken Scratch,...

Fresh is better. But you’ve never drunk fresh blood. Have you?”Simon raised his eyebrow in response.”Well, aside from mine of course,” Jace said. “And I’m pretty sure my blood is fan-tastic.

All persons, living and dead, are purely coincidental.

There was no Disney World then, just rows of orange trees. Millions of them. Stretching for miles And somewhere near the middle was the Citrus Tower, which the tourists climbed to see even more orange...

Poor Chad. Not the country, but the guy. Oh, and the country’s poor too. I feel so bad for Chad. I also feel so bad for Chad.

Tiny Dancer” play on repeat, while I enjoyed the spectacle of a midget stripper dressed like jet fuel (Rocket Man).

In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

i told you he’d freak out, she siad. didn’t i?ah, the i told you so, jace said. always a classy move

What do you think of Christmas?””I like it,” she said. “I think we should have it every year.

Duct tape can’t fix stupid,” Bas growled. “Maybe not,” Red replied, “but it can hold it down and muffled the screams.

In the future, charities will be like pets. Everybody will want one, and millions will be abandoned.

You know what’s a chain reaction? The direct relationship between how fast I pedal, and how fast my bicycle travels. I’m the kind of lover who notices the small details, like the fact that my...

Vampirism is not a contagious disease.

Take life seriously but none of the people in it.

Without thinking about it at all, Harry stepped in front of Hermione.There was an intake of breath from behind him, and then a moment later Hermione brushed past and stepped in front of him. “Run,...

Never sit on a freshly painted bench, or stand on a wet wall. That’s a lesson in love I had to learn the sideways way.

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

Leigh did what any sane female faced with such an e-mail would do: deleted it to resist the temptation of replying, cleared her trash to resist the temptation of recalling it, and then called tech...