I felt the human disease that is ignorance suddenly leave my body. Just like that. Like a hot, desperate piss after a long car ride.

Like every other creature on the face of the earth, Godfrey was, by birthright, a stupendous badass, albeit in the somewhat narrow technical sense that he could trace his ancestry back up a long line...

I need either a small coffee or a large nap.

I am the bow of love. I’m also the bow of hate. Same spelling, different pronunciations and meanings. Would you like me to gift wrap my greeting?

A short poem from my book:PerspectiveOf coursethere is a hellshe saidand it hasan observation deck;so I maystand and waveto all those kindsouls belowwho warned meI would go there.

Couldn’t you hypnotize her or something?””It doesn’t work like that.””I thought vampires were all sex gods with the ladies.”Cade looked at him. “What gave you that idea?””Uh … late-night TV, mostly …””Humans are our food....

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.

If love fell in love with another word, do you think that word would smell, taste, and rhyme with it? I think so, and I think that word is jambalaya, but maybe I’m pronouncing love...

Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you’re looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you’re still an idiot.

Sometimes I write about the forest, sometimes I write about the trees, and occasionally I’ll write about the lumberjack. Actually, the lumberjack is more the editing part, figuring what needs to be cut.

You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.

This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did.”I frowned, “What’s that?””Homework.

The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

You have a valid complaint, and I do recognize it … but you are reading into things a little bit. Just the same, I will do my best to make horrible things happen to a...

Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing after all.

It was how it had been with the madman among the tombs, that their number was legion, far in excess at any rate if the number listed on the back of the door as the...

I meant to spend the day writing, but instead I spent the afternoon cleaning out my belly button. Historians will thank me one day.

Love is you wearing her favorite shirt of yours, just like you did yesterday and the day before. And the day before that too.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Star” in myname. I have a feeling I’m going to be a star as a jumper.

People said there had to be a Supreme Being because otherwise how could the universe exist, eh?And of course there clearly had to be, said Koomi, a Supreme Being. But since the universe was a...

I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune...

I hope this book will inspire the kitchen con-artist in you, increase fruit and veggie consumption in your family, and motivate you to become an Accidental Cook. Pass it on!

I drink coffee the way other men put on their pants—only after they’ve paid the hooker.

A tree with red leaves is like an old man with gray hair. Likewise, my love for you was blue, but now it’s orange, and that’s a compliment.

When rain comes down, the chance of rainbows goes up. Likewise, when my coffee goes down, I wake up. Hopefully I wake up in your bed.

I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in.

Tacos will grow on Christmas trees before I learn to carry a tune. Fortunately, it doesn’t matter. In karaoke, talent means nada; enthusiasm is everything. What I lack in talent, I make up for in...

I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the...

But there was more to it than that. As the Amazing Maurice said, it was just a story about people and rats. And the difficult part of it was deciding who the people were, and...

There’s a very mean girl down the hall who’s trying to get me fired. I’m no good with confrontation, so whenever I say, “Have a wonderful day,” to her out loud, I’m really saying, “Be...

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

Sorry, Ms. Terwilliger. I’m flattered that you think I’m such an upstanding person, but I’m already caught up in one epic battle of good versus evil. I don’t need another.

In WASP families, if you don’t get along with someone, you have as little to do with them as possible. In Jewish families, you move next door, to make them as miserable as possible.

All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.

The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.

Oooo wee! You see that chump go flying? Look’eah, nothing like charred demon to make a brotha feel right. – Calvin Freeman (Sineaters‬:Devotion Book One)

Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

What’s safer turned off? The TV. Less murder in the world.

The room fell silent. I frankly didn’t know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help,...

For your penance, say two Hail Marys, three our Fathers, and,” he added, with a chuckle, “say a special prayer for the Dodgers.

A title from the 1966 movie’ The Russians Are Coming, The Russians Are Coming,’ gives a new meaning toa phrase: ‘wait a minute, we’ve seen this movie before.’

I am the Wheelbarrow of Love. Let me get back to work.

For those who like that sort of thing,” said Miss Brodie in her best Edinburgh voice, “That is the sort of thing they like.

I’m divorced, so I know what it takes to make a marriage work. My love is like an empty box of desert. Just add water.

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine.

I’ve seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.