You’re used to being the smartest guy in the room. Solitary confinement will do that.

Eternity is not a super-abundance of time, but timelessness.

It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market.

This book is dedicated to all the lawn chairs in all the living rooms of the world. I pray this book provides your owners with the strength, courage, and the wisdom to vacuum their lawns...

It’s Unfair to be fair,For Life is unfair

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our...

If you could pour my love like it was a bottle of wine, would you have one glass or two? That was a trick question, because the answer is you’d drink it all—straight out of...

I don’t want to be a supermodel; I want to be a role model.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

If we were both standing beside Niagara Falls, the only thing you’d be able to hear is the sound of me urinating in a pitcher of lemonade. Gorgeous scenery is great and all, but I’ve...

… three minutes.

I don’t need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning label on the package.

Don’t try. Just do it.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

An eye for an eye makes you feel happy inside…- unless you’re the second eye ;P

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, “You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it….

When I’d RSVPed for tonight, I hadn’t expected to be the youngest by three-plus decades. To be honest, I hadn’t expected anything. I didn’t have the mental capacity. The excitement over my first house party...

Home. The word circled comfortably in my mouth like bubble gum, swished around sweetly soft and satisfying. Home. Try saying it aloud to yourself. Home. Isn’t it like taking a bite of something lovely? If...

The paradise in women is not the v-shape manipulation between their legs, or the two lovely bombs, set on their bosom that can blast any strong, holy spirit filled individual, but that part of her...

Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating.

Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.

A brick could be used to practice your telepathic levitation. If you can lift the brick, you’ll lift your spirits.

I know a thing or two about a thing or two. One of those things is not love. Also, one of those things is not love.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is...

The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come for the butcher, stay for the meat.

Right now, all white people are either wearing or coveting a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. These sunglasses are so popular now that you cannot swing a canvas bag at a farmer’s market without hitting...

Let us find the dam snack bar,” Zoe said. “We should eat while we can.”Grover cracked a smile. “The dam snack bar?”Zoe blinked. “Yes. What is funny?””Nothing,” Grover said, trying to keep a straight face....

When you’re the only sane person, you look like the only insane person.

There’s always something to talk about, even if you talk about how there is nothing to talk about. Of course, I’m talking about love.

I am very much out of my element here. There are moments, listening to the conversations going on around me, when I feel I am going to lose my mind. Earlier today, I heard someone...

The ultimate sexist put-down: the prick which lies down on the job. The ultimate weapon in the war between the sexes: the limp prick. The banner of the enemy’s encampment: the prick at half-mast. The...

You’re a stalker with hooves.””I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing.

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

My name is my reputation. And all I have in this world is my name. Well, and my penis, which shoots out millions of other names.

Vampires have credit cards?””We’re undead, not Amish.

Dagmar tried to stand, and Gwenvael caught her hand, pulling her back down. “You can’t leave me. I’m tortured and brooding. You need to show me how much you adore me so I can learn...

Okay,” I said. “Just a normal afternoon and two normal people.”She nodded. “And so…hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?””Oh…”...

Don’t you think I’m toopretty to die?

Dropped Leo into a squad of enemy soldiers. Dang it!

A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.

I eat footballs, and I shit touchdowns. And I always wear a helmet when I make love.

Happy are those who expect nothing; they won’t be disappointed

I’m not stubborn. My way is just better.

I write music—for whales. You can’t hear it, but rest assured, it’s excellent. Mostly they’re love songs. Listen with your heart—but be careful, because my songs have an irregular beat.

Sex without smiling is as sickly and as base as vodka and tonic without ice.

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

I make love like I make lasagna: with extra meat.

What was that guy’s problem?” The future is full of condescending jerks.

Oh yeah,” Zane says and smirks at me. “I had her for dinner once. Best meal of my life.