I stood up in a flash and flushed a light shade of furious.

Solus walked over to the young brown-haired man and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, ignoring the look of panic he received in return. “You can call me Solus.” His golden eyes trailed...

Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was left. They had even robbed me of self-pity

Boggling”. Making love to me is mind boggling.

Harry Dresden. Saving the world, one act of random destruction at a time.

My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to Joshua.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

Love is like the human appendix. You take it for granted while it’s there, but when it’s suddenly gone you’re forced to endure horrible pain that can only be alleviated through drugs.

Truth: last week I online shopped too much. Then I ate 2 pounds of jelly beans to feel better about that. In fact, while I was trying to read soul-nourishing things all I could think...

I smell like cat snuggles and sex, though from two different activities. I have just perfected my meatloaf-flavored ice cream, if you want to grab a spork.

Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a harmless remark, and someone else who hears it knows something that makes the remark have a different, and usually unpleasant, meaning. For instance, if you...

I saw a baby make a boom-boom in his diaper, and I thought, I’d never have suspected him of being a terrorist.

I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to...

The world is a stage and the play is badly cast.

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

We made love like two tree branches in winter. We were naked and motionless.

He aimed at the lawyer’s heart but missed it. It was a mistrial.

Wow, that long?

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

Some days being a writer consists of telling yourself you aren’t insane, your characters are.

Daddy, how come in Kansas City the bagels taste like just round bread?

Why can’t car washes be giant waterslides for cars? Speaking of fun, why can’t sex be fun, rather than something you begrudgingly pay for, like taxes.

Ouch! I feel bitch slapped– Matt Carter

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China!

A brick could be used as toilet paper—especially if you just shit a brick. You could shit and wipe your way to a wall of privacy.

Sometimes I am two people. Johnny is the nice one. Cash causes all the trouble. They fight.

Obsessing over a boy makes the time fly.

With women, there is no sexual mystery—a vagina is a vagina. But with men, a woman’s got to wonder, is his penis small, medium, or Orafoura?

The ideal home: big enough for you to hear the children, but not very well.

Help yourself to a bottle of wine. They’re all empty.

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — ‘Cuppa tea, cuppa tea… almost got shagged… cuppa tea’?

A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.

Don’t be stupider than you need to be, I remind myself. Remember Calease? The last glowing girl you talked to tried to kill you.

☺☺ When a man gets you 99, he starts to think, he may only have another 10 years of sexy lovemaking left… Still Smiling At 99. ☺☺

What do you call someone who watches you in your private moments? They used to be called a pervert, but now they’re called an NSA agent.

Death doesn’t care about personalities – he’s more interested in meeting quotas.

The meaning of life is XXXXXXXXXXX… Redaction mark? What redaction mark?

What if I shave?” he said. “I look much better when I’m shaved. My cousin will vouch for that—do I not look almost handsome when I shave, Edward? ” He didn’t wait for the duke’s...

Though firm, we are never too firm, though we love fun, we never have fun in a silly way that makes us appear ridiculous, unless that is our intent.

I like gross generalizations…I also like disgusting specifics!

If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.

Farmers don’t picket government corruption, they picket fences. Let this be a lesson in love and the proper way to separate churlish and state.

OK, maybe one iota, or two iotas at most, but definitely not three.

That guy doesn’t try hard enough, Steve,” he said. I felt weirdly ashamed when he said that. So much so that I went into his room and urinated on his bed.

Nine out of ten people agree, it was right and just to kill and eat that one guy. That’s love. That’s democracy. That’s a free dinner.

Murderous thieves make their home here.” She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. “Absolutely,” Jonas replied.”Dangerous animals too.””Without a doubt.”She slanted a look toward him. “Perfect place for you.”He repressed a snort. “Oh,...

Love should be unconditional, while hair should be conditioned. Air should also be conditioned, and worn in place of hairnets.

I was born a baby, and it took me a long time to be man enough to acknowledge that that was a mistake.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.