I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again.

When I’m sad, I think about happier times. Times like 3:33, 12:34, and 3:21. This last one usually spurs me into action and helps stop me from just stopping.

When a child reaches puberty, parents become so curious about their sex lives and whereabouts, put them behind bars to their own detriment. When such a child breaks free, don’t be surprised to see him/her...

I live for the moment and love for eternity. I mean I’d like to, but I’m too impatient for either.

I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.

No, I really did. I walked into that room and saw the hottest, sexiest guy I’ve ever seen – wet and half naked. And I said, “E”I know. How am I still single, right?

I’ve won Satan’s lottery.

Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.

The wall between writing and painting is just good grammar. Moderation in moderation. Fun is scary with a happy ending. Just love. If love doesn’t transform that which annoys you, it will be easier to...

The Money River, where the wealth of the nation flows. We were born on the banks of it-and so were most of the mediocre people we grew up with, went to private schools with, sailed...

Why is it called a flight of stairs? It should be called a walk of stairs.

Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a...

You’ve brushed your teeth,” He says, staring at me.”I used your toothbrush.”His lips quirk up in a half smile. “Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you?

Mind you, I’m a fine one to talke. I mean, I killed myself and just look at me now: I’m a qualified pilot, I can escape from a cockpit in five metres of water and...

He’s a year shorter than me, but he’s a foot younger. I love him like the brother of an only child.

An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps

The mascot for the New York Mets should be a handshake. But first, let me wash my hands.

If green carpet grew on trees instead of leaves, I’d pick off a few cats—with my rifle.

Because you can’t argue with all the fools in the world. It’s easier to let them have their way, then trick them when they’re not paying attention.

Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn’t get any better than this.”You have low standards,’ Chait grinned over his shoulder and dropped bread into the toaster. ‘If I had two hot girls in my...

Mom and Dad exchange a nervous glance and have a telepathic conversation about it. I hear every word. Do we let her out? It’s past curfew. True, but look at that—at least she asked! I...

Bet you ten bucks we make it.”What are the odds? she thought, and realized with sudden, blinding clarity that she wouldn’t take the other side of that bet, that only a loser would bet against...

Through the window yesterday I saw a fool talking to himself, and it made me laugh, until I realized it was a mirrored window.

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America.

If you can love cats, you can love human beings, because you have to be able to love them without getting them at all.

Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.

My flashlight’s not working. I don’t know if the batteries are dead, but my mother-in-law sure as hell isn’t. When she dies, my love can live.

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

I’d rather own something that’s worth millions to nobody, than something that’s worth nothing to millions.

In New York I’d go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I’ve upped it to six or seven, mainly because I’m too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the...

Do not mess with this man’s threads!

What’s a philosopher?’ said Brutha.Someone who’s bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,’ said a voice in his head.

We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, but only after we buy some milk, cereal, and a book of baby names.

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.

How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let me check and see if Helen Keller wrote a dictionary that’s touchable, like...

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.

People need hope Michael, as much as they need a leader. You and Gabe are the answer to both of those things. You’ll lead the people of earth to victory and Gabe will give them...

I’ll not listen to reason… reason always means what someone else has got to say.

As I nodded and smiled and umm-hmm’d and oh, my’d my way down the drive, I wondered if boys had any sort of magazine that told them how to attract women and, if so, did...

Never miss a party…good for the nerves–like celery.

Cats are geniuses, because they know that looking out windows is better than watching Reality TV.

I’ve always had a thing for men with large hadron colliders.

Wizards don’t believe in gods in the same way that most people don’t find it necessary to believe in, say, tables. They know they’re there, they know they’re there for a purpose, they’d probably agree...

I’m not flat broke. I’m a little hilly.

The morning slathers its whateveracross the thing.

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

Sebastian it is. You can tell me what a patron saint is later, since I have no knowledge of such things. Sebastian Kane.”Sebastian Kane Cannon. You’re going to marry me and use my last name,...

I hold my cats like any other broom you’d use to sweep the floor. I’m a janitor among animal lovers.