A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

but does it have a winning taste? I’d hardly call silver a champion flavor. No, I’ll stick to my red wine.

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.

Vivi muito tempo no mundo das pessoas grandes. Vi-as de bem perto.Não fiquei com muito melhor opinião delas.

I have tutored Little Igor to be a man of this world. For example, I exhibited him a smutty magazine three days yore, so that he should be appraised of the many positions in which...

If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?

I love nature. It beats having to flush.

People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing...

I have a whisper like a zipper. Your secret is safe in my pants.

More like an offer I’m hoping you can’t refuse.

If Makar Denisych was just a clerk or a junior manager, then no one would have dared talk to him in such a condescending, casual tone, but he is a ‘writer’, and a talentless mediocrity!People...

It smells terrible in here.’Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere...

A romantic man often feels more uplifted with two women than with one: his love seems to hit the ideal mark somewhere between two different faces.

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

For the longest time I thought I was blind, until I realized my eyelids were just shut. So I unzipped my pants and got on with my life. After I quit the Helen Keller Society,...

Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me.

Enjoy your Evening.””That will depend on the menu. If it’s beef, it will be a tolerable meal. If it’s chicken…” Elliot shuddered. “What is the point of chicken?””Eggs?

In my youth, I was always one for the dramatic entrance. Now, in keeping with my character, I gravitate more toward the subtle and refined. Okay, with the occasional feathered serpent thrown in.

#Networking is people looking for people looking for people. As for me, I’m more of a birdwatcher.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do,...

The easiest way to hide your gold is to disguise it as Spanish bullion and store it on the bottom of the ocean floor.

The little weasel ripped all the buttons off my couch.Ivan Petrovsky, pg 350

We have to destroy the radioactive brain of Madame Curie.

Children have a tendency to behave as poorly as the most poorly behaved kid in the room. The laws of physics dictate that if there is a kid screaming and running in the hallway of...

Bercelak’s kin kept themselves busy by sharpening weapons, reading, talking, or setting things on fire with small bursts of flame.

Are you okay?” It’s like asking someone if they think you look fat. You’re almost guaranteed to get a lie.

The only way I’ll play beer pong is if the room was a sterile room, the table was stainless steel sprayed down with disinfectant, the ball brand new, and everybody playing wore gloves and hairnets...

It’s why I get miffed at all the dashing around in recent zombie films. It completely misses the point; transforms the threat to a straightforward physical danger from the zombies themselves, rather than our own...

If he’s like any other man I’ve ever met, it’s not my smile he’s going to be looking at.

We’re a couple of travelers!” I called up to her. “I’m Briony, and this is Ella!””Grammy said I ought not to talk to strangers!” she called back.”We’re not strangers!” Ella shouted. “We’re with the union!”I...

I’ll give you the key to my heart, if you promise not to make duplicates.

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

A mechanical toothbrush is the greatest oral device in the history of the sex toy industry.

Abe held my gaze a bit longer and then broke into an easy smile. ʺOf course, of course. This is a family gathering. A celebration. And look: hereʹs our newest member.ʺ Dimitri had joined us...

Always watch where you are going. Otherwise, you may step on a piece of the Forest that was left out by mistake.

—,Así que no vas a preguntar?Lo estudié, entrecerrando los ojos. Tenía un mal presentimientos sobre esto. Pero las palabras salieron de mi boca, totalmente fuera de mi control.—,Por qué te llaman Horse?—Porque me cuelga como...

How is that . . .” Braith shook her head. She wouldn’t go from arguing with one idiot to arguing with three.

I shouldn’t believe anything I say, if I were you-and that includes what I just told you.

I love the world, just, you know…not the people in it.

Oh… Adrian, I’ve got one more favor to ask you. A big one.” “Fondue?” he asked hopefully.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.

Parsley is gharsley.

My heart hated her, but my penis loved her. Taken together, I felt normal.

Americans are self-reliant—on the government.

My first coaching experience led to a 77-0 defeat. But that’s not so bad, considering I taught the team one important thing: the value of cheating.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.

Nothing says you care like sending someone a kitten.

Jack had wondered how geometers could be so inventive as to produce so many types and families of curves. Later he had come to perceive that of curves there was no end, and the true...

All men that are ruined are ruined on the side of their natural propensities,” the note concludes.This is surely true. Yet the vivacity with which he embraces ruin is unexampled, in my experience.

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.