Sherrie would be there, and the last time I’d seen her at a social event she burst into tears when she saw me and ran out of the room. You’re upset, I’d yelled after her,...

I’m sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

Another thing about pain – it renders you incapable of bullshit.

I suppose I look acceptable, the black (haired) sheep among the Barrett blondes.

Sorry, one night stands don’t stack up as credentials for tending bar.

I prefer to make up my own quotes and attribute them to very smart people, so that I can use them to win arguments

Go make love to a tube sock.

Like most people raised on American movies, I have poor access to my emotions, but can banter like a motherfucker.

The following Discourse [on art, by Sir Joshua Reynolds] is particularly Interesting to Blockheads as it endeavours to prove that There is No such thing as Inspiration & that any Man of a plain Understanding...

Whatever crimes this man had committed, they weren’t as egregious as his inflated self-image.

You are an ass,” Julian muttered.

Hello, Mrs. Tran…I have David’s homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you’ll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.

You don’t have to make fun of it.””Actually I do,” I said. “I make fun of almost everything.

You’ve missed a lot of things. But mostly I think you’ve missed several opportunities to leave. Let me assist you to the door so that you won’t miss this next one.

My inner goddess confirms that staring at a beautiful/rich/powerful face is the basis of True Love.

When words come out of your mouth, do your ears just block all incoming sound waves?

Spike (to Giles) : Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes — ‘Cuppa tea, cuppa tea… almost got shagged… cuppa tea’?

Carla was wearing a No Fear sweatshirt. You are too old, Amy wanted to tell her, for legible clothing.

John: I’m experiencing an odd sensation. I think it might be patriotism.Spitfire: Steady. Too much of that can damage your health.

Why, that’s adorable!

Words cannot express my disappointment that I must pass on the invitation to once again witness your gelatinous buttocks swaying as you try to climb a greased pole naked in search of athletic glory. Sadly,...

He’s asleep in the harbor, disguised as dog shit.

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars.

Ah, Proph.” Tom paused. “You did have a nightmare last night.””And here I thought maybe I dreamed it,” Prophet muttered sarcastically.

That’s my girl,” he murmured.”I’m not your girl.””Well,” he said not bothering to hide his smile from her sightless eyes, “the good news is that the honey gave you back your sparkling personality.””And the bad...

…It was borne in upon her audience that the outside of Jane’s charming head was distinctly superior to the inside.

Cleverness is like rouge – liberal application makes a woman look common and desperate. Wit is knowing how to apply it.

How many kids are in the Graveyard?””A bunch.””Who sends your supplies?””George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.””How often do you receive new arrivals?””About as often as you beat your wife.

Miss Fitt, you know curiosity gets men killed.”I grinned. “Then I daresay it’s good I’m a woman.

How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going...

Gabi glared. “If you want to add some variety to your sex life, why don’t you just use your other hand?

Rumors had their own classic epidemiology. Each started with a single germinating event. Information spread from that point, mutating and interbreeding—a conical mass of threads, expanding into the future from the apex of their common...

I mean, I don’t know why, since I’m simply delightful to be around. But to each his own taste.

Yeah, that’s it. I’m building a harem.

People who use snark attacks confuse cleverness with cruelty.

Look, this is helping me out quite a bit, but could you just get to the punishment part? We’re at the end of World War Two in history, and I can’t wait to find out...

If God gave Dad Alzheimer’s, He’s got to understand when Dad forgets what church he belongs to.

Going to take it up as a hobby?

And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked.

Now let’s get out of here before the healthy ecosystem eats us.

Yeah, doesn’t work on them either.

A lot of people have it in for me. It’s practically a school sport.

I always wonder why condescending snarkiness is the chosen method of communication for so many forum users. It seems to me like these things would be much better expressed in non-confrontational, polite manner.

He shakes his head and his mouth is quirked at one corner. I can’t tell if he thinks I am sort of amusing or truly pathetic. It’s especially hard to tell because we are both...

Because I want to have sex with him–and because that’s sinful–I’m blushing and flushing furiously under his scrutinizing scrutiny.

We don’t have dealings. He just stalks me. I’m popular like that.

Counseling, drugs, a religious advisor, a girlfriend.

Your powers of observation are formidable,” Michael says and Darien giggles behind one perfectly manicured hand, like some sort of preppie geisha.

Ignore the reek of feces in the air, the bloodstains on the ground, and you have yourself a glorious night.